Joint Operations: On duty with the MoD Police, Duke Of Yorks Barracks Re-Opening ceremony, Knightsbridge, London, 18th June 1995. In case you're wondering, that's me on the right, wearing the RMP beret! (photo from Authors' personal collection, copyright 1995-2002, Roger Stenning)

Once apon a time, I served for seven and a half years in the Teritorial Army, as a member of the Royal Military Police (volunteers), leaving as a full Corporal. During our basic training, we had to come up with a cabaret, for the end-of-course evening, hosted, of course, by us, the recruits. This is one of the pieces (modified to suit the present day, of course) that we came up with... serving and ex-serving serviceman will relate to this, I'm sure!

THE NCO SAFETY RULE

It is clear from the Gulf, Bosnian, and Kosovan operational theatres, that too few of our troops are properly suited for Service Life. To correct this failing, the NCO SAFETY RULE and the NCO IMMEDIATE ACTION DRILL are reproduced below. They are to be included in any future edition of 'Survive To Skive'. Service personnel are required to be familiar with this drill, in the same way that they are expected to know the Chemical Safety Rule.

IF YOU -

• EXPERIENCE a b*ll*cking of any kind
• SIGHT hostile or unfreindly high-flying Sergeants,
• SEE
  • suspected
  • mental
  • sadistic and/or
  • deranged
  Sergeants
• SMELL a rat
• Notice SYMPTOMS in yourself or others, such as
  • Dimness of virtue,
  • Irritation of the eardrum
  • Sudden heartaches
  • Tightness of the B*ll*cks
  • Running feet

Assume it is an NCO attack, and carry out the NCO Immediate Action Drill.

THE NCO IMMEDIATE ACTION DRILL

1. Assume standing foetal position, with one leg wrapped around the other, curled in as tight a ball as you can, wrapping your arms (in protection position) around your head.
2. Scream in terror.
3. Do not relax this position until the attack has ceased, or until told to do so by your local commander (that's anyone below the rank of Sergeant, by the way) that it is safe to do so.

This amendment care of RED SYNDICATE, RMP(v) Basic Provost Course Number 88, Longmoor camp, 4th through 18th November 1990.

Go to the top of the page...