I dunno how much of this I'll actually get away with, as these are the opinions of my good friend Christopher ; or, `CrispyFur` as he has been known to us for a few years, due to his alledged plushy fetish (ewwwww...) that we insist he has and he usually insists he has too. This says something about the guy, but not as much as this email I received from him not 10 minutes ago:
`Saw the definitions for 'British' on some online dictionary that included such doosies as:
british people complain a lot and can be hypocrites.
None of which I actually disagree with. Still, there were loads of entries either like this or 'english people are actually very good people.. etc. etc.' so I thought I would write my own definition to the mix.. thought you guys would find it as gut wrenchingly funny as I did writing it. Stupid damn Americans...
Volatile sadistic geniuses.
Speaking as a British person, I would like to say how shocked I am that the insults directed at us here concern mainly our accents and dental hygiene.
It is true that we have a murky colonial past, which probably accounts for a lot of the ill will, but most people are forgetting a critical aspect of our so-called 'British' identity.
We are all incurably evil.
Personally, I enjoy being a drunk, erudite snob with bad teeth and a sexually ambiguous accent. It will in no way diminish the joy I'll feel as I target my death beam squarely on Paris and flick 'engage'.
I couldn't care less if my gay accent forces some Neanderthal homophobe to wrestle with his prejudices. Just because his anus was split by 'uncle Jed' as a child and he is coming to realise the counseling fee might well have been wasted due to his secret, insatiable, love of cock does not tar the majesty of my words when I say;
'Wipe them out. All of them.'
Nor do I care if the stench of my teeth churns your stomach to such a point that you're forced to dispel the hideous mix of Pop Tarts and Republican semen that you suckle on each day.
In short, gay accents and bad teeth only enhance the experience of reigning fiery annihilation down from an orbiting death ray platform, I assure you.
A British Person`
I mean c'mon, I laughed so hard I nearly dislodged my sense of humour - that s*** is f***ing funny I could almost be forgiven for nicking someone else's work for my blog just as I'm sure George Lucas would forgive anyone so clearly obsessed with his original trilogy for assuming the best feature thereof for his own sadistic machinations. Probably.
Assuming that hamster-faced f*** can stop relieving himself all over his original masterwork for long enough to register the notion
Oh, and a brief complete-lack-of-apology to all Americans for any comments made