Winter Blues = Miserable Sod 'hippy :P
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Holy freakin' sh** - things are somewhat hectic of late.
Right, this is by way of explanation to those guys who may be wondering why I haven't posted off the stuff I've sold immediately, and generally because I'm feeling just a little bit snowed-under and have an awful lot of stuff on my mind.
Also I need to vent my spleen because stuff is a little difficult at the moment so if you don't want to hear a grown man whinging then stop reading right now 
Lets begin at the beginning - January 3rd.
See, I've been wanting to leave this job of mine for quite a while, but because I have not-very-many actual qualifications, per se (read: I got asked to leave college 
and went and got a job instead of going to university), I'm simply not gonna get another job with this kind of money for another 5-10 years, which really throws my plans into a cocked hat because I'm getting a house & mortgage with my best friend Jason. Poor, poor Jason...
So, I went for a graduate-intake scheme interview even though I'm not a grad; I managed to sweet-talk the girl who did the telephone interview into bending the rules just for little me. Swish ###### ain't I 
So I went to the interview and smelled corporate bulls**t from the word go - fair enough, I'd have to put up with all that brainwashing buzzword-happy bollo*** for a good few years if I want a well-paid job. Then they told me I'd have to cut my hair off completely, no dreaded ponytails are allowed in business apparently - and that, combined with my disdain for their procedure and some generalised nerves put paid to that.
Leaving me stuck where I am and no way out in sight.
S**t.
So then 2 days later I get together with this truly wonderful girl who I could have got together with a couple of months before, and after the all-too-brief time we had together she f***s off to India for 6 months and tells me from there that there ain't gonna be anything from me for her to come back too because its just not gonna be the same half a year later, and without actually having changed the way we feel the simple assumption that we will change has put paid to the whole idea.
To say I was (and am) gutted is like saying Elton John is `a bit gay`.
The biggest sadness and disappointment in my life is being lonely. There, I said it. Men don't really have either an issue with this because they have girlfriends all the time, or can't really admit it to themselves that that is the single biggest thing, but to me it is.
If I ever manage to find a girl who stays with me for more than a month or three then I have a good shot at becoming a totally new, fully enriched person, because to be honest with you here that has never happened to me, and with me at 25 years old in about 3 weeks I'm starting to feel like there's some major personality disorder that I suffer from or something because this just ain't right. What the *fruitcage* I have to do to be normal in this area I do not know but rigt now, I feel like a bit of a freak 
-
So I've got this idea on my mind to leave work, thus eliminating the huge stress that its putting on me at times (running a small business with a turnover of more than £1.25m per year and getting absolutely no *fruitcage* ing appreciation for it) but bringing new stress of finding a job that actually pays well.
And on -
I'm desperately trying to get the hell out of Dodge, or, at least, out of England. I've had a cold for 3 weeks (since new year really) and the weather ain't improving my temper - and I've got a huge travel plan; to see the whole damn world; in the back of my mind as well. This requires a good amount of undiluted thought to make sure it goes right and involves spending at least Five Thousand Quid, but first:
I'm selling everything I own and trying to make good deals for people that still allows me to reach my target amount with which to travel & save for my mortgage.
Packing stuff is the main buggeration with this, and with all these monies coming in from everywhere; PayPal, cash into my bank, online bank transfers, cheques, postal orders and probably bloody stamps the way things are going, its getting to be a litle bit of a headache keeping track of what to send and when.
But there are more important things;
I'm still an alcoholic sonofab*tch and I've started to see some people about this, at last. Its a scary thing to go to an NHS addiction centre and be sat in the foyer with grubby 30-somethings who are so obviously either on heroin or crack, or have lost their grip on sanity so long ago that they just look like it when they're sober.
Hats off to the staff there though; the general impression of the enterprise that one is left with is one of benevolent genius merely tempered by suicidal desperation. Madness - but now I have a plan and a person I can contact about all this stuff, and I'm gonna go to meetings and everything as of next week.
Trying to stay not-too-drunk to get everything else done has been *fruitcage* difficult for the last couple of years anyway, so now having meetings to attend and sessions to have with a care worker as well means although I'm getting something done about it, I also now have less free time than ever. Hmmm.
But, the most important thing is getting a house - and now Jason wants us to buy a house NEXT WEEK and basically just buy-to-let so we have some kind of property to our name. Wonderful idea, but the stresses of buying/arranging a mortgage and getting a property agent to manage the new property, and deal with all the legal paperwork that ensues, and having to consider seriously my plans for travel or staying put or whatever are stresses I could kinda do without.
A goddamn drink would feel pretty good about now, eh?
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Thats most of it, apart from the usual existential dread and anxiety about life, the world, people, the future and what it all means, so besides all that ###### (which I can kinda compartmentalise when I want to just relax and have fun) life is still good and things are sweet.
This cold has to leave me soon, despite the fact that I'm working outdoors labouring a lot this week because the foreman is off sick (so I'm doing most of his job as well as the company secretary's, and I'm technically just the IT guy ... ), and then everything will be a bit easier. I really wish an ex-girlfriend hadn't texted me 12 times last night to slag me off and demean me over some *beep* that really doesn't concern her, but after feeling totally abused and belittled by the b*tch, I did at least manage to turn it around and take the pi** so badly that she couldn't even respond after a while 
Only thing thats actually annoying me though is I'm really hating that it seems like a chore to go climbing, and I missed last week so its full steam ahead tonight - lets see if I can fall off something really big!
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