"Week off to go holiday, go holiday in sunshine sunshine, sunnyshine, wanna week orff go 'oliday and wannit naowww!!!" said I to my superiors in the main office, which led to my immediate removal from company property - probably on compassionate grounds - and, by a roundabout way, my requested holiday. Well it was sort-of like that in my head, anyway.
Taking a week off work to go nowhere was not what I intended but after discovering the total travesty that is `last minute` holidays (they still need booking a week in advance - hardly last-minute - and they cost as much as any other package deal anyway it seems) I've had to make the best of a bad job, and going around seeing old faces and friends I hadn't seen in a long time has been a good way to fill the time. I think I've triple-booked myself for Saturday night now, but hey its either a techno-hardcore night in the SE1 club underneath London Bridge, or a couple of local bands in another place more local to me, or some house party somewhere near Winchester.
*fruitcage* it, actually I might just stay in and pass out early just to spite them all
But the lack of holiday sunshine is going to irritate me somewhat, I can tell. I really could do with a break with good old-fashioned Vitamin D at the top of the agenda, and despite the fact I can't stand the idea of going to another country to lie on a bloody beach for a week, that really is precisely what I need.
Dr. 'hippy has spoken; your prescription is: Portugal!! Ha, lets make sure we plan ahead and book it early enough at www.lastminute.com of course
Selling stuff is going very well, an awful lot of people have been truly fantastic - and I will get around to thanking them properly when all is said and done - and a few people;possibly some of our, errm, younger members; have really made me laugh.
My favourite so far has been the frankly astonishing haggling skills of one chap (who also has the best handle/username I have ever seen; I really can't spell it out but if you see it you will laugh out loud ) who sent me a message entitled "wot u got".
I mean, really.
I answered politely of course, and, in the next message, I was graced with some punctuation!!!
The sequel: "wot u got?" landed squarely in my inbox in-between a charmingly bizarre message from RedRonin__CaptainLu (who must know more ways to extract emoticons from puntuation marks than seems wholly Christian) and another enquiry from a young chap who, in contrast to wotugot boy, was polite enough to use the odd capital letter, words like `please` and `thanks`, and didn't try to send the following messages (directly quoted) all within about 2 hours of each other -
"wot hav u got that you would sell for £50? " - I dunno kid, err, some old tyres in my garage? An Aunt I dont like much? A plot of land on the moon?? Well I did tell him about the 2 guns that fell into his price range and a couple just over it. I received in reply:
"wot u got yoou could do me a deal for £50 the mauser broomhandle i really want" ....... - even ignoring the syntax horror that is this "sentence" there seems to be something unforgiveably missing - `it` - was that the word you were seeking? `it`?? It is such a small word but that doesnt mean it deserves to be discriminated against, c'mon, let the 9th and 20th letters of the alphabet come together in glorious union and shine some light upon your literacy.
Needless to say the broomhandle Mauser wasn't a gun I had mentioned to be within his price range.
Striking a new blow for lunacy the lad then sends me a message entitled "£35" Oh dear. You can guess what's coming next:
"could you do one of the glocks for £35 and 25 dvd's?" Well, aside from the fact that your turn of phrase rather suggests I might engage in some kind of ballistic prostitution, no, I would not `do` one of my Glocks for £35 and "some DVDs"??? Honestly, if I wanted DVDs I would have asked, I am quite capable of being very demanding indeed, and had I wanted them I woulda bloody said. The DVDs I might receive... I shudder to think. Would they be antique Disney, or low-grade porn? Dreadful 80's films that the world would rather forget, or exercise DVDs by Z-list celebrities that, in reality, make us exercise nothing but extreme caution? I wonder (but I'd really rather not).
In any case the cheapest Glock was £60 and no amount of moustachioed pornography/Danniella Westbroke in Lycra (same thing?) was going to make me take any less.
It aint even halfway over by this point mind you, here are a few more choice samples from several message impatiently sent within the space of 20 minutes, the contents thereof being:
"wot guns have you got left that you could do for £35 to £50?" - he really wasn't listening the first time was he? I answered, same as before.
"do me a glock for £50 and we got a deal" - again, my son, your lack of punctuation makes baby Jesus wet the bed in agony, and coming from a dude who's one day gonna be nailed to 2 *fruitcage* big sticks and left to die this means something. I declined his offer but did offer him the price of £55, including postage (I had no delusions that this guy was going to help me out on postage costs but, like a good Hippy, I took mercy on him) for a Glock27 in superb condition. He replied:
"£50 mate is all i got cummon its just £10 of your asking" - well tell ya what kiddo, how about you swap your family's retro porn/disney DVD collection for one of my guns then pay me £50 on top then give me your Momma's address so I can go round and XXXXXXXXXXXX etc etc etc. This is not negotiating my little lad, this is just you making ill-conceived demands. If you'd started off without laying your cards on the table you might have done better, being brutally honest, but somehow I still doubt it
The last I've heard from him so far is this:
"can you do me a glock for £50 then?" which really goes to show that a little insistant mewing, an impressive lack of grammar, diction or common sense, and the total inability to process conversations does not a world-class negotiator make I could have been less cruel but hey, its my birthday today and I'll cry/be an ###### if I want to.
In the cold light of sobriety - Apparently this holiday thing can actually be done at the eleventh hour according to some friends who actually did it, the girls who did/do my dreads managed to book something to Tunisia one night while slightly drunk and be on the plane by 3pm the next day - guess I fail at thar intarwebs or something I still maintain that they hardly make it easy, at least.
And now, seeing as its taken me a week to write this entry, it really is my birthday today - 25 be my number and in a bid to avoid cliches I will say that I am neither old, nor young, nor any fraction of a century that one may pluck from the air it is just a number, after all.
One thing that is inescapable though: I cannot in all good conscience make any excuse or plead bewilderment at how unfit I am getting and how much weight I'm putting on, in light of this mediocre milestone of life it seems pointless in the extreme to ignore it any more.
However; I'm gonna try and make last night the last night that I have a normal dinner then get drunk and then order a Chinese takeaway, fit for at least 2 fat people, to eat all to myself. I mean thats 4 nights in a row I've done that and bugger me, I feel like an Anglican Kung Po meatbag with prawn crackers for ears and a tongue (and it feels so much like just that, eurgh...).
So I have to quit Chinese food too - when they say its addictive they didn't count on me to make that a literal truth! I now waddle to the bank to check my sales fund and go shopping, I feel guilt, shame Now which healthy exercise can I pretend to take up to make amends I wonder...? I really have to get things a little more under control and this week has been my week of holiday sin in lieu of it being a week in sunshine. Rats. I really wish I'd spoken to these girls earlier!
Oh well - think I've got some goodies sat in my office (those MP5K holsters for one thing) and some other assorted ###### I bought from Amazon while drunk throughout the last couple of weeks, and a nice weighty cheque sits in my wallet thanks to my indecision about what I might want from my parents, which is nice.
I would like to be less money-orientated at the moment but sadly, thats all I can make myself do just now. On the plus side the round-the-world trip isn't going to pay for itself (ha!) so every penny really does count.
Another reason to give up the drunken chinese food benders.