Jump to content
  • entry
    1
  • comment
    1
  • views
    1,854

Insomniacs anonamous


Belladonna

372 views

Well, its a quarter past 4 in the morning... I'm awake and i cant sleep, because i utterly hate myself.

This is going to be dire, so if you don't really care, don't read this....

 

I think i may possibly have the lowest self esteem a human being can possess...

I'm a *badgeress*, an utter heartless cold stone faced *badgeress*... i know this, i cant help it, Im a *badgeress* to people on the forums, and on irc, and for some reason, once i start, i cant stop, and i just outpour my baggage onto them as bitchiness.... Yeah, its all my fault. Not saying that in the 'i want attention' way, just a point. It is me, i'm doing it.

I don't even know why i quit then come back, i just don't have anyplace better to go. Sad really, i really like everyone on irc, and most of the forum. they're good people. I guess i'm like the worlds worst neurotic *badgeress*... I'm really stuck up, and up myself, but i'm really not. Its a defense mechanism... If i say what i feel, they just agree, and i feel worse, so i gloss it over, and act all cheery, and happy, like i'm gorgeous and popular, and it just keeps me from opening my veins i guess.

:unsure:

Not many of you know me, properly at least. Probably a lot of you know OF me... i'm a favorite topic for a few American posters... who love to reenact the crying game memes whenever i post something... (love you guys btw) That doesn't necessarily bother me, as your combined IQ is less than my bra size... but hey, credit where its due, good effort...you'll make fine poopies one day when you finally pass puberty...

Back to my original whine... Yeah, i hate myself. I'm not satisfied with being an ugly girl (how i see myself if i'm honest) theres bouts of weak happiness where i see something good, but mostly i cant. Its frustrating, and tiring. The number of times I've put my glock in my mouth, wishing it had bullets in it instead of weak, safe plastic ######.

I don't know if i can actually go on...

My family pretend i don't exist, my grandmother, the only person who loved me died just before my 20th birthday back in October, and i'm terminally single.

I don't think its possible to understand how lonely one gets. Its why i keep coming back when i swear to quit... I hate some people so much some times, yet i come back, as human contact is better than none.

I guess this sort of rant belongs on myspace, with a suitable emo backing track for my page, and possibly something gothic for a backdrop, but i just thought it might be more use here... where maybe you can understand why im such a cow... hopefully this explains sortof where im coming from.

I'm sorry for moaning and whining...

Alyssa White.

1 Comment


Recommended Comments

I read this poem once when I was in my 20s. I didn't quite get the meaning of it then -- but then again, nothing seemed to mean anything back then, except the regular staccato of my M16 during training exercises.

 

There's a particular paragraph in that poem that reverberates everytime I read it. Perhaps, I, too, have had a few pistols (xcept mine had the 9mm metal jacket instead of the plastic 6mm) locked, oaded and pointed where they never should be pointed; especially when times were particularly hard.

 

The paragraph goes:

 

"Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."

 

The poem, Desiderata, was written by Max Ehrrman (1920).

 

Feel free to find the link here --> http://www.fleurdelis.com/desiderata.htm

 

Cheers!

 

/ao

Link to comment
Guest
Add a comment...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use and the use of session cookies.