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Belladonna

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Blog Entries posted by Belladonna

  1. Belladonna
    Well, its a quarter past 4 in the morning... I'm awake and i cant sleep, because i utterly hate myself.
    This is going to be dire, so if you don't really care, don't read this....
     
    I think i may possibly have the lowest self esteem a human being can possess...
    I'm a *badgeress*, an utter heartless cold stone faced *badgeress*... i know this, i cant help it, Im a *badgeress* to people on the forums, and on irc, and for some reason, once i start, i cant stop, and i just outpour my baggage onto them as bitchiness.... Yeah, its all my fault. Not saying that in the 'i want attention' way, just a point. It is me, i'm doing it.
    I don't even know why i quit then come back, i just don't have anyplace better to go. Sad really, i really like everyone on irc, and most of the forum. they're good people. I guess i'm like the worlds worst neurotic *badgeress*... I'm really stuck up, and up myself, but i'm really not. Its a defense mechanism... If i say what i feel, they just agree, and i feel worse, so i gloss it over, and act all cheery, and happy, like i'm gorgeous and popular, and it just keeps me from opening my veins i guess.

    Not many of you know me, properly at least. Probably a lot of you know OF me... i'm a favorite topic for a few American posters... who love to reenact the crying game memes whenever i post something... (love you guys btw) That doesn't necessarily bother me, as your combined IQ is less than my bra size... but hey, credit where its due, good effort...you'll make fine poopies one day when you finally pass puberty...
    Back to my original whine... Yeah, i hate myself. I'm not satisfied with being an ugly girl (how i see myself if i'm honest) theres bouts of weak happiness where i see something good, but mostly i cant. Its frustrating, and tiring. The number of times I've put my glock in my mouth, wishing it had bullets in it instead of weak, safe plastic ######.
    I don't know if i can actually go on...
    My family pretend i don't exist, my grandmother, the only person who loved me died just before my 20th birthday back in October, and i'm terminally single.
    I don't think its possible to understand how lonely one gets. Its why i keep coming back when i swear to quit... I hate some people so much some times, yet i come back, as human contact is better than none.
    I guess this sort of rant belongs on myspace, with a suitable emo backing track for my page, and possibly something gothic for a backdrop, but i just thought it might be more use here... where maybe you can understand why im such a cow... hopefully this explains sortof where im coming from.
    I'm sorry for moaning and whining...
    Alyssa White.
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