With Love, America

[Epyon]

Taken from SomethingAwful.com

 

With Love, America

 

 

If you are reading this then it must mean I am dead. I can only hope that this will and testament is being executed after a long and illustrious career as a great nation. I have surely made a lot of mistakes along the way, but I've always liked to think that my heart was in the right place.

 

Whatever end befell me, I hope that you can look back on my lifetime as the world leader as a period of unparalleled progress and liberty. If I was blown up somehow, well, that's how these things can go. I just hope that the rest of the world is doing okay and that the Communists aren't in charge.

 

I've had a lot of great leaders, so instead of remembering the rotten ones try to remember guys like George Washington, Abe Lincoln and the last good guy I had as a President. Try to remember the good wars where we kicked *albatross* for freedom instead of all those creepy South American CIA wars. Picture in your mind's eye the Rocky Mountains at sunset and New York City after Guliani put all the homeless on a barge and sunk it in the Hudson, but before 9/11. Don't picture a superfund site in New Jersey with an eight-legged deer skeleton melting into toxic waste.

 

The properties dispensed in this document are only considered valid if they were in my possession at the time of death. If China or some multinational operating out of the Bahamas has them all then I'm sorry.

 

To my dear friend England I leave all of my giant burritos and/or burritos as large as a human head. You have been my friend since the beginning, excepting a couple of wars there during my rebellious youth, and I have been happy to kick *albatross* for freedom around the world with the Union Jack next to the Stars and Stripes. With me out of the picture it's up to you to become the world's fattest nation. I know you've got Indian food, but over here the giant burrito is my third world food of choice. You won't believe the size of these things and they come with extra cheese and sour cream. They're delicious!

 

To my oldest friend, France, I leave Hollywood. I know you've been envying it since about 1910 and it kills you that I've been the world's purveyor of culture. May you use Hollywood to make a hundred million dollar black and white movie about a gay love triangle. Imagine how many computer generated orcs Kieslowski could have put in the Three Colors trilogy with that sort of cash.

 

To Canada, so close and yet so far away, I leave all of my stockpiles of medical marijuana. I grew some really top shelf sticky icky, but I could never quite let the terminal cancer patients have any for fear that devil weed would fuel a crime spree. I also leave you all of my Sun Chips and Funions. Do with them as you must.

 

To my hombre Mexico I bequeath America's favorite bread-wrapped meat; the corn dog. Reverse engineer its wooden stick technology and create a bright tomorrow of delicious chicken tacos…on sticks. I also leave you Texas. You won at the Alamo so I don't remember how I ended up with it, but I'm willing to bet it involves mescal.

 

To the tribes indigenous to North America I leave all of my blankets, comforters and bedding. I promise that there is nothing weird with it and it's perfectly harmless. In fact, it's mostly high thread count Egyptian cotton.

 

To Germany, the friend I love to hate, I leave a fantastic gift with a poisonous sting. I entrust you with the American automotive industry, rich in history and monolithically vast. But along with this bounty comes the entire workforce with their bloated pensions, to be paid out until the day they die. Hey, maybe you can figure out an efficient way to kill off millions of people you view as money-grubbing interlopers.

 

To Austria I leave all of America's barbecues and shrimp boats as an apology for all of the idiots that think you are Australia. Red, white, red, until the gnarley sheila is dead!

 

To Australia I leave my entire arsenal of ICBMs. I think you have been out of circulation on the nuclear targets list for way too long. Now don't get ###### off at me, it's not all bad. Next time one of your citizens gets caught with five kilos of cocaine up her *albatross* by Balinese customs you can threaten to turn Denpasar into a glass-rimmed crater.

 

To Russia, I know we've almost never seen eye-to-eye, but I'm giving you Alaska. I'm doing it mostly to *fruitcage* with Canada's head, but I'm sure you can transform its millions of acres of pristine wilderness into one of those grim industrial hells you seem to fancy.

 

To Norway I say that I support your arts and I hereby bequeath all of my mega churches. May their burning inspire a thousand songs about frosted skulls and dire goblyns.

 

To the Netherlands, with the world's highest percentage of atheists, I leave America's Baptists. It's called Schadenfreude.

 

To Belgium, secret master of the french-fry, I donate all of my ketchup and ketchup manufacturers. All of those sissy European sauces and toppings are just pure silliness, and you'll realize that once you have some good old down home ketchup. Mayonnaise? Don't make me puke up Florida.

 

To Cuba, my wee nemesis to the South, I leave all of the Walt Disney parks. I hope they can make up for all of that tourism money you've missed out on since the revolution. I'm sure Walt Disney won't mind, just stick his frozen head in a giant mojito.

 

 

To troublesome Iraq I leave one million copies of Robert Persig's Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. I've never actually read it, but when I was going to Florida State I'd hang out in the student union holding the book. Freshmen psych majors would stop and chat thinking I was a pretty chilled out country and then I would get them drunk and have *albatross* sex with them. I'm pretty sure a lot more *albatross* sex is what Iraq needs to heal the wounds of strife.

 

To that special lady Burkina Faso I leave NASA and all its assets. You will always be Upper Volta to me - the most sensual of the Voltas - and I have long cherished those nights we spent together. We held each other beneath the night sky and watched meteors burn across the starry heavens. Now you can launch rockets there to rekindle our love.

 

To the Moon, most exotic of all my lovers, I bequeath the coastal oceans of North America. Their gentle carress against my shores reminds me of the tender way we once loved in that cold beyond of space. The way we touched, so gentle and fleeting, the way you took my lander into your tranquil seas. I wil never get you out of my head. I can only hope that you and Burkina Faso can become friends.

 

To Iran, whom I have never understood, I leave all of my M.C. Escher posters and puzzle books. I hope they screw with your head like you have always screwed with mine.

 

To Israel I leave New York City and Brooklyn. You're a great hunk of land, but maybe think about urging your people to go ahead and move to these two inheritances. Nobody really seems to get along with you where you are now.

 

To the jungle tribes of the Amazon River I leave all of America's multi-angle interactive adult DVDs. I know you probably don't have any DVD players, but you can use the discs as some sort of weapon or decoration. Actually, there are about 500 million of them, so you can probably use them to build a massive city with aqueducts and roads. Cream My Gape volumes 1-87 should make great load-bearing structures.

 

To each of the nations of South America I leave two things: my sincerest apologies and the CIA bases I used to overthrow your leftist governments in the latter half of the 20th century. I wish I could tell you where they are, but there are just so many I can't quite remember them all. I think Nicaragua's CIA base was inside a hollowed-out tree with a suspicious radio transmitter sitcking out of the top.

 

To Taiwan, one-time junk basket of the United States, I leave all of my airplanes and helicopters. Those decades of filling my vending machines and dollar stores with ###### eventually paid off and turned you into a first world country. Let's face it, though: one of these days China is going to get sick of you lording your standard of living over them and it's going to invade. Fly all of those airplanes and helicopters to Japan and ask really nicely if you can stay.

 

To inscrutable Japan I leave the Hank Williams Junior and Senior discographies. I was going to give you the Enola Gay for a museum or something, but I still don't really trust you so I'm just going to throw it in with the other ###### I gave Taiwan.

 

 

South Korea, buddy, I tried but those damn Chinese had to interfere. I hope eventually you can get your top half back and live in harmony. Until that day comes I'm leaving you Best Buy. You pretty much fill it up in the first place, so I figure I'll save you the time and you can just drive the trucks straight from the Samsung factories to the Best Buy stores.

 

Finally, to China, I leave this warning: I know you did this to me. I can't prove anything, because I'm dead, but friends and family should definitely investigate the possibility that I was murdered. Assuming you did murder me - and I am assuming that - I am going to haunt the *beep* out of that Forbidden City of yours. Everyone is going to be like, "Hey, what is that cold wind?" and you're just going to have to shake your head and say, "Freakin' America again."

 

I know a lot of you countries out there are probably feeling a little hurt right about now, wondering why your name didn't show up in my will. I admit, I was getting a little stressed out at the end there, so I might have forgotten a few of you, but most of you I didn't leave anything because I gave you everything I could during my lifetime.

 

Except for the African countries. You guys, well, sorry. You're pretty much screwed forever, so there's no point leaving you anything cool that might make you think you have a chance.

 

Anyway, good luck, world. I hope you guys build a cool statue to me or something. Make it out of something that kids can't deface. Maybe the world's first electrified statue.

 

Try to keep things under control.

 

With Love,

 

America

[sekiryu]

 

Except for the African countries. You guys, well, sorry. You're pretty much screwed forever, so there's no point leaving you anything cool that might make you think you have a chance.

 

Q-F-T!

[Munitions Man]

I second that!

[Slash']

An American kinda thing?

 

meh.

[Sledge]

So, this is comedy in America?

 

[AirRage]

So, this is comedy in America?

 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

100x better then Benny Hill & Mr. Bean. I feel sorry for the Brits on their comedy selections.

[amateurstuntman]

Yes of course, benny hill and mr bean.

Both more popular in the US than over here. Forgetting of course red dwarf, the office, spaced, little britain (I don't think it's funny but meh), monty python, etc etc etc.

Right back to shakespeare.

 

British comedy: making your sides split since before you were a country.

 

Stunt

[alpha54]

So, this is comedy in America?

 

This may help you understand:

Playground humour is the type of humour practised in Britain only in the playground by small children below the age of 6, but in America is the dominant form of humour and is called Humor. It involves words like poo and wee and oblique reference to body parts normally hidden from view even when bathing. In playground humour adding the word 'bum' to any sentence makes it funny (in America 'yo *albatross*' is substituted for the word bum. For instance the joke "Knock Knock, who's there, yo *albatross*" is, I am told, particularly popular in some states). Rule one of the Humor handbook states that a kick in the balls is the worlds funniest thing and therefore any joke or comic sketch that lacks a punchline can be ended with a kick in the balls and will always be funny. For examples of this see any Hollywood comedy billed as 'hilarious' or which the film reviewer from The Sun calls 'laugh-a-minute'.

[hardboiledcop]

now that, is funny.

[Sledge]

Worryingly accurate, too.

 

[Jett]

100x better then Benny Hill & Mr. Bean. I feel sorry for the Brits on their comedy selections. 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Damn straight. But don't forget Hale & Pace and the Krankies...

[Kyrian_Zenda]

100x better then Benny Hill & Mr. Bean. I feel sorry for the Brits on their comedy selections. 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Ah, yes, coming from the country that churn out generic un-funny "comedies" every week or so.

[Skarclaw]

Which comedy is the one where you laugh at people arguing about which countries humor is better?

[Epyon]

Which comedy is the one where you laugh at people arguing about which countries humor is better?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

 

 

[AirRage]

Ah, yes, coming from the country that churn out generic un-funny "comedies" every week or so.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

I think im going to use this reply as my sig. I feel bad for this guy though.

[sekiryu]

Forgetting of course red dwarf, the office, spaced, little britain (I don't think it's funny but meh), monty python, etc etc etc.

 

The Office is an American comedy....

[BakaBox]

Seriously, why is Norway only known for black metal in the US?

 

Hell, we got brown cheese!

[amateurstuntman]

The Office is an American comedy....

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

 

?

 

Are you mental?

 

 

http://www.rickygervais.com/office_international.php

 

 

Stunt

[Kyrian_Zenda]

The Office is an American comedy....

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[dismemberd]

I thought there was something where some british show did really well, so we they made a complete copy off of it...

[sekiryu]

Yes, obviously because it was directed by a British guy, but aired in the US, that makes it a British comedy [/sarcasm]

 

That's like saying the Late Late Show is Scottish just because Craig Ferguson is a Scott.

 

 

The Office was aired in America, filmed in America, with American actors, thus making it an American comedy.

[Kyrian_Zenda]

It's a direct carbon copy of a British comedy, even using the same actors with some characters, and using the same directors. The British version came first, it's a British comedy.

[sekiryu]

I prefer Japanese comedy anyway...

[Skarclaw]

Good argument there.

[DarkLite]

Yes, obviously because it was directed by a British guy, but aired in the US, that makes it a British comedy [/sarcasm]

 

That's like saying the Late Late Show is Scottish just because Craig Ferguson is a Scott.

The Office was aired in America, filmed in America, with American actors, thus making it an American comedy.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>