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christoff hitler

The joke thread.

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Number 1:

 

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

 

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

 

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous at the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

 

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

 

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

 

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

 

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his *albatross*.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his *albatross*.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me".

12) The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry".

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

 

Number 2:

 

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

 

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

 

Number 3:

 

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says,

"No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?", asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's brexxt."

Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! he hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

 

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penxs."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP-- the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet.

"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hand."

 

Number 4:

 

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

 

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".

 

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

 

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and

squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

 

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

 

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were

watching."

 

MORAL OF THE STORY: Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

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I apologize to any of the international members, but this made me lmao!

 

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from 'Miffed' to 'Peeved.' Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to 'Irritated' or even 'A Bit Cross.' Londoners have not been 'A Bit Cross' since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from 'Tiresome' to a 'Bloody Nuisance.' The last time the British issued a 'Bloody Nuisance' warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

 

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide.' The only two higher levels in France are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate.' The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

 

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from 'Shout Loudly and Excitedly' to 'Elaborate Military Posturing.' Two more levels remain: 'Ineffective Combat Operations' and 'Change Sides.'

 

The Germans also increased their alert state from 'Disdainful Arrogance' to 'Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.' They also have two higher levels: 'Invade a Neighbour' and 'Lose.'

 

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

 

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

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Laxplayer19x93 - QUALITY, its old, but still awesome

 

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they ever touch a firearm."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

 

 

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.

"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."

"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.

The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom. "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead.

More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens.

Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him. "Bangety Bang Bang!" shouts the recruit.

The German keeps coming.

"Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!"

It's no use. The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground and says... "Tankety Tank Tank."

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A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

 

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

 

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

 

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks her: "Why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?"

 

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

 

"We just love the chocolate around them."

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A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

 

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

 

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

 

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks her: "Why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?"

 

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

 

"We just love the chocolate around them."

 

Heard it before but still made me lol.

 

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

 

And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

 

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

 

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

 

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

 

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

 

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

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Ahhhh....wellll...i'll try not to be too racist. I'll make fun of everybody...

 

 

What would Hitler nam his fast foot chain?

 

A. Burger Fuerher

 

What do you do if a blond throws a nade at you?

 

A. pull the pin and throw it back.

 

How do you kill a blond?

 

A. put a scratch n sniff at the bottom of a pool/ put spikes onher sholders and ask a question.

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^^^^ You spellt fuhrer wrong.

 

Anyways new jokes.

 

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

 

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

 

Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.

The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."

So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our f*cking car."

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Q: How many Vietnam veterans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

A: You weren't there man, you weren't there...

 

---

 

Q: How many womens rights activists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

A: That's not funny.

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Q: How many Vietnam veterans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

A: You weren't there man, you weren't there...

There's also a funny version of that.

 

Q: How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

A: I don't know.

 

That's right! You don't know! You weren't there, man. YOU WEREN'T THERE!

 

:zorro:

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Q: How many emos does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

A: None. They'd rather cut themselves in the dark.

 

 

Q: How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

A: Two minimum, but they have to be rather small.

 

 

Q: How many Kidscotlands does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

A: One. He holds the lightbulb up and the entire universe revolves around him.

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What do you do if a blond throws a nade at you?

 

A. pull the pin and throw it back.

 

How do you kill a blond?

 

A. put a scratch n sniff at the bottom of a pool/ put spikes onher sholders and ask a question.

 

Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?

 

A: So brunettes can remember them.

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Q: How many Western Arms owners does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

A: There is nothing wrong with the lightbulb. Whilst I appreciate that some people insist on a lightbulb emitting light, some of us prefer to focus on the excellent trademarks and finish of this lightbulb. By the way, could someone lend me a torch?

 

:P Nothing but love for ya, guys. ;)

 

:zorro:

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this may be old, but i'll give it a try anyway:

 

a man and his wife are in bed together, and all of a sudden she turns around to find him pleasuring her with a cucumber. she screams "explain yourself!"

the husband replies, "i'll explain the cucumber if you explain the two kids."

 

 

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated

each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could

be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I

will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for

the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of

the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's

relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went

straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no

tomorrow..

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that

he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come

back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried

upside down......"

 

 

A fleeing al Qaeda guerilla, desperate for water,

was plodding through the desert when he saw

something far off in the distance. Hoping to find

water, he walked toward the object, only to find a

little old Jewish man at a small stand selling

neckties.

 

The guerilla asked, "Do you have water?"

 

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you

like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

 

The guerilla shouted, "Idiot Jew! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you,

but I must find water

first."

 

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "it does not matter

that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate

me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If

you continue over that hill to the east for about

two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has

all the water you need. Shalom."

 

Muttering, the guerilla staggered away over the hill.

 

Several hours later he staggered back, near

collapse. "Your brother won't let me in without a

tie."

 

 

 

A Very Short Story

 

 

Man driving down road.

 

Woman driving up same road.

 

They pass each other.

 

The woman yells out the window, PIG!

 

Man yells out window, B**CH!

 

Man rounds next curve.

 

Crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

 

Thought For the Day: If only men would listen.

 

 

 

and the best for last:

 

 

Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John

Edwards were flying to a convention. Barack looked at Hillary,

chuckled

and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window

right

now and make somebody very happy."

 

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100

bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

 

John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10

bills out

of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

 

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his

copilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out

of the

window and make 156 million people very happy."

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Q. What have Harold Shipman and Gareth Gates got in common?

 

A. Neither of them can finish a sentence!

 

I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

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NECROPOST!!! But no one cares because this is pinned.

 

Anyway:

 

A very wealthy man wants to enroll his son in a prestigious school, and when his son was excepted, he was very happy, so he took his entire family to meet the principal (headmaster for all you Brits :P ). After some greetings, the butler introduced him and his family, "This is Mr. Bates, his wife Marsha Bates, their daughter Mistress Bates, and their son Master Bates." The principal nodded and said, "We'll soon cure that"

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..10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.

 

..9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

 

..8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

 

..7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.

 

..6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.

 

..5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

 

..4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.

 

..3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

 

..2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

 

And the number one why a handgun is better than a woman. . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

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two nuns are going down a road in a horse and carriage. Suddenly they stop and they both get out of the cart to see what's going on and they see that there's a vampire in the middle of the road. Both of the nuns gasp and one of them says to the other Mary show him your cross and so the nun says get out of the effin road!

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These jokes can also apply to chavs:

 

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

His mouth moves.

 

What do you call 3 lawyers buried up to their necks in s###?

Not enough s###.

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