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The joke thread.


christoff hitler

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While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against it. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"

 

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

 

"You've gotta be kiddin' me."

 

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

 

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, and then stripped him naked and left.

 

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

 

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said:

 

"This just ain't gonna be your day, cup cake"

 

:zorro:

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4 soldiers escape from a german POW camp, but are soon recaptured, one happens to be scottish, one welsh one english and the other american.

 

the german officer in charge of the camp tells them they will be shot the next morning as an example to the other prisoners, but allows each one, one last request...

 

the scots man asks that all the other scottish prisoners be rounded up and sing scotland the brave before he's executed, the german agrees.

 

next the welsh man is brought forward and asked for his last request, he asks that all the welsh soldiers be rounded up and sing Mae Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau just as hes executed, the german again agrees.

 

the american strolls up and again is asked what he wants for his last request, he asks in turn for all the american soldiers to be rounded up for his execution and sing the stars and stripes.

 

the english man then steps forward, and is asked by the german what his last request is, the english man simply replies, "can i be shot first."

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While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against it. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"

 

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

 

"You've gotta be kiddin' me."

 

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

 

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, and then stripped him naked and left.

 

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

 

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said:

 

"This just ain't gonna be your day, cup cake"

 

:zorro:

 

wrong...but very funny

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Three cowboys are sitting around the campfire telling stories.

 

The first says " I once broke my collar bone and rode the trail for two weeks to bring the cattle in"

 

The second says "I once rode a month with a broken leg and a bullet in me"

 

The last says nothing, he just sits there stirring the embers...

 

with his johnson

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  • 4 weeks later...

Here's a topper:

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience."

 

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

 

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "Sh*t!" said the hypnotist.

 

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

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A man and his wife were getting ready to have sex on their wedding night. Before this, they have never seen the other naked or have had any sexual encounters with each other thus far.

 

The wife tells her new husband "take off your socks" He does so and she notices a horrible, gross and swollen toe. She asks "what happened to your toe?"

"Toelio" he replied.

"Don't you mean polio?" she asked.

"No, it was a very localized case of polio" He replied.

"Oh, ok" she said.

 

She then tells him to remove his pants, and then notices that his knee looked odd. "What happened to your knee?" she asked.

"I had the kneesles" he replied.

"Don't you mean measles?" she asked.

"No, it was very localized, just to the knee" he said.

 

She accepted that as true, so she asked him to remove his boxers. She than said "don't tell me, small cox"

:P

 

-Sh0ty

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So a leper walks in to the doctor's office in a great panic.

 

Leper: Doc! I have a problem, when I lost a finger it was no big deal. When I lost my left ear, I really didn't care. But Doc, now my penis has fallen off...you have to help me.

 

Doctor: Calm down Mr. Jones, we have some brand new procedures in place and we are able to start replacing lost apendages.

 

Leper: Oh this is great news Doc!

 

Doctor: Yes, I just need the penis...did you bring it with you?

 

Leper: Yes Doc, it's right here in my shirt pocket.

 

So the doctor reaches in to his pocket...

 

Doctor: Mr. Jones, I hate to break this to you but this is only a cigar.

 

Leper: Oh ######! I smoked my cock!

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The Badger will add his single joke to the pile.

 

An Englishman, a Saudi man and a Frenchman run out of a bar in Iraq, and proceed to run down the street shouting and making a general nuisance of themselves. Eventually the Iraqi police capture them and put them before a judge. The Judge says "Do any of you realize the punishment in Iraq for public drunkenness? It is ten lashes, but seeing as you are foreigners i will grant you one wish each." The Saudi man is the first to be whipped so he says "please tie a pillow to my back" The judge agrees so a pillow is tied to his back. After five lashes the pillow disintegrates and the Saudi man takes the remaining five lashes to the back, he falls in pain and is dragged off sobbing. The Frenchman is the next to be whipped and asks "Please tie two pillows to be tied to his back. After eight lashes the pillows disintegrate and the Frenchman takes two lashes to the back. He is pulled away sobbing in pain. Finally the Englishman is put before the judge, the judge says "since you English were so brave and helped me escape Saddam's prison, i will grant you two wishes" The Englishman thinks for a minute, and then says, "for my first wish, i want to receive a hundred lashes." the judge starts and says, "my you are brave, and your second wish?" the Englishman looks the judge in the eye and says, "Tie the Frenchman to my back"

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The Badger will add his single joke to the pile.

 

An Englishman, a Saudi man and a Frenchman run out of a bar in Iraq, and proceed to run down the street shouting and making a general nuisance of themselves. Eventually the Iraqi police capture them and put them before a judge. The Judge says "Do any of you realize the punishment in Iraq for public drunkenness? It is ten lashes, but seeing as you are foreigners i will grant you one wish each." The Saudi man is the first to be whipped so he says "please tie a pillow to my back" The judge agrees so a pillow is tied to his back. After five lashes the pillow disintegrates and the Saudi man takes the remaining five lashes to the back, he falls in pain and is dragged off sobbing. The Frenchman is the next to be whipped and asks "Please tie two pillows to be tied to his back. After eight lashes the pillows disintegrate and the Frenchman takes two lashes to the back.  He is pulled away sobbing in pain. Finally the Englishman is put before the judge, the judge says "since you English were so brave and helped me escape Saddam's prison, i will grant you two wishes" The Englishman thinks for a minute, and then says, "for my first wish, i want to receive a hundred lashes." the judge starts and says, "my you are brave, and your second wish?" the Englishman looks the judge in the eye and says, "Tie the Frenchman to my back"

 

epic win for sure

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3 nuns are talking one day. The first nun says to the other "when I was cleaning the pastor's room yesterday I found a bunch of pornographic magazines!" "what did you do with them?" says the other nun, "I threw them away of course!" then the second nun says "well when I was cleaning his room last week I found a box of condoms!" "what did you do with them?" asks the first nun "well I poked holes in all of them!" the second nun says. The third nun faints.

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One day, 3 nuns decided that they didn't want to be nuns anymore, so they asked the head nun what they have to do in order to quit. The head nun said: "You must go out for one day, and commit a sin, then come back here and tell me what you did." So the nuns went out to town and returned the next day. The first nun said: "I stole a bike." The head nun said: "ok, sister, now go drink some holy water and you may leave." So the nun does this and leaves. The second nun said: "I went out and had sex." The head nun said: "ok, sister, now go drink some holy water and you may leave." So the nun does this and leaves. And then the third nun, with a huge grin on her face, said: "I peed in the holy water..."

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  • 2 months later...

its not really a joke but it is funny:

 

He laid her on the table, so white, clean and bare

His foreward wet with beads of sweat, he rubbed her here and there

He touched her neck and felt her breast, then drooling felt her thigh

The slit was wet and all was set, he gave a joyous cry

The hole was wide... He looked inside, all was dark and murky

He rubbed his hands and streched his arms.....

 

 

 

 

 

Then STUFFED the Xmas turkey!!

 

 

Merry Christmas to you and your dirty mind LOL :)

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A Letter that should not be read on points of view:

 

Dear Points of View

 

I watched Queer eye for the straight guy

And i thought that being friends with a couple of gay friends

I would pick up some handy fashion tips

Actually, they *fruitcage*ed me.

 

:mellow:

 

Here's another one:

 

Dear Points of view

I watched Silent Witness with the sound off

And it didn't make any bloody sense.

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