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christoff hitler

The joke thread.

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A Duck walks into a bar and says "Got any bread?"


The barman says "No"


The Duck says "oh okay....Got any Bread?"


The barman says "No, I don't have any bread"


The Duck says "oh okay....Got any Bread?"


The barman says "No, I don't have any fruitcage bread"


The Duck says "oh okay....Got any Bread?"


The Barman says "If you ask for bread one more time I'm going to nail your fruitcage beak to the fruitcage bar"


The Duck says "oh okay....Got any nails?"


The barman says "No"


The Duck says "Got any Bread?"

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Here's a christmas joke a freind text messaged to me:


For Christmas, little Darryl asked for a PS3. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £180,000 and your mother has just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."


The next day, the father saw his son heading out the front door with a small suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"


Little Darryl told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait, because she was coming too. I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an £180,000 mortgage and no games to play on!"


While I sit here seeing silly adverts for Beckham perfume it reminds me of another joke from years ago....


David and Victoria move to the States and decide to buy a ranch. After a while, Victoria decides to breed a herd as after all, they are on a ranch. She sets up a meeting with a breeder in the next state and tells David her plan.

"But babe" whines David "I've got an exhibition match that day"

Victoria tell him that she'll go alone but leaves him the address and some directions in case he can get away from the game.


On the way to the breeder's ranch, Victoria's car breaks down. Reaching for her phone she finds that she has no signal. She walks back to a small town for help. It's a desolate place with no garage but she finds a small shop. Opening the door she is greeted by a strange woman.

"Cahn aye help yah?" says the woman in a dim-witted way.

"Yes" replies Victoria, "I'm on my way to a local ranch to inspect some breeding stock but I've broken down and can't get my phone to work. Can I make a call from here?"

"Nope" comes the reply, "We ain't got no telefangles here. I cahn send a telegram if you lykhe?"

Not grasping the situation fully Victoria agrees. "Thaht'll be $5 a word" says the woman, "Ahn we don' take no plastik eever."

looking through her purse, Victoria only scrapes together a paltry $6 and 45 cents. All of her money is on the cards she carries. Thinking fast she lays $5 into the womans hand and says,

"Please send the word 'Comfortable' to my husband"

Taking the details, the woman looks a bit puzzled by the choice of message.

"Don't worry about it, David will understand" says Victoria, "after all, he always was a slow reader"





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One day an old couple walk into a fast food resturant, the old lady sits down and the old man heads to the counter.


He orders one burger, one portion of fries and a medium drink.


After receiving the order the old man sits down opposite the old lady, he proceeds to cut the burger neatly in half down the middle, counts the number and fries and shares them between himself and his wife.


Sititng on another table a young man is watching this. He thinks to himself "This is horrible those poor people can only afford one meal between each other" so he walks over and say "Please let me buy you another meal" to which to the old man replies "Its ok son, me and my wife have always shared everything" so the young man sits back down.


The old man starts eating his share of the meal and has a sip of the drink, his wife them has a sip of the drink but doesn't eat anything.


Once again the young man feeling sorry goes over and asks if he can buy another meal for the mans wife but once again he declines and says "We've always shared"


So the young man sits back down, a few more minutes and the old man slowly starts eating again but his wife is only sharing the drink at this point.


Now the young man is really concerned and walks over and asks if the old mans wife is ok due to her not eating anything to which she replies


"Its ok, we've always shared everything. Am just waiting for the teeth"

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Definition of screwed: A man has a house payment, a truck payment, a wife AND a girlfriend.



And they're all a month late.

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This is a classic by Monthy Python; this was commented by three eminent aussie scientists (Dr. Bruce, Professor Bruce and our dear colleague: Dr. Bruce), when before an american audience:


"You might wonder why we brought our own beer all the way from Australia. Well thats because we think that your american beer is a bit like making love in a canoe."


"Making love in a canoe!?"


"Yeah: it is *fruitcageing* close to water!"

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a man and his giraffe walk into a bar. they each get hammered. the man gets up to leave and the barman says "oi! u cant leave that lying there". the bloke says back "nah mate, its not a lion, its a giraffe"


28days later, what a comedy.

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Two elephants and a snake fall off a cliff..




Man goes into a bar and notices theres a donkey in the corner. Theres a sign next to it that reads: Make me laugh. The man asks

'whats that all about?'

'Well, its a pound a go, and if you make him laugh you win the cash' he replies, holding up a bucket of pound coins.


The man goes up to the donkey, cups his hand to its ear, and whispers something to it.

The donkey bursts out laughing, and the man takes the bucket has a great night out and goes home with the change.


Next week, same man, same pub, same game - this time the sign reads: Make me cry.

The man walks up to the donkey, takes a polaroid out of his wallet, holds it up, and taking two more out, makes them into a line. The donkey bursts into tears, and runs out the bar. The man takes the bucket of money, and buys the whole pub a drink. The barman leans over and asks,

'how did you do that?'

The man replies, 'Well, the first time i told him my fella was bigger than his, the second time i proved him wrong..'

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Nother one, guess this threads my private joke store:


A salesman knocks at a door, a young boy about 10 answers the door. He`s dressed in stockings and suspenders wearing makeup and lipstick. Hehas a glass of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other. The saleman says "Is your mam in" and the boy replies "Does it *fruitcaging* look like it"


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A couple...


some are a little off color so..


but my favorite first



two women sat next to each other quietly.



A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when

this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives

the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks



His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"


"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."


"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a



"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a

divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering

in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Infinities and Lexus in

the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."


Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on

his arm.


"Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife.


"That's his mistress," says her husband.


"Ours is prettier," she replies.





A Man Who Knows His Math

He writes:

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out the window and gave the woman the finger.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98 - and 34% cite men as their biggest problem.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? I don't think so!

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First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!' Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'



A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.


He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"


"Just water," says the priest.


The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"


The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

(Terrible, I know)


You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.


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three guys die and go to heaven. when they get there they are told that they will each receive cars based on their loyalty to their wives. the more loyal they are, the nicer of a car they will get.


the first man says "well.... my wife wasnt exactly a great looking woman.... and i was in my prime.... you cant blame me for slipping up every now and then." he is given a cruddy old car that barely ran.


the next man says "hey, y'know, i was pretty faithfull.... i had a fling once... but it wasn't anything big." this man gets an ok car, but it is far from anything to brag about.


the third man says "i would never cheat on my wife. i loved her with all my heart and i would never do anything to hurt her." he receives a beautiful brand new porsch.


the second guy is driving down the street when he sees the third guy sitting on the curb crying. the second man asks "hey, why arent you out cruising in your new porsch?" to which the third one replied between sobs, "well, i was driving around when all of a sudden i saw my wife riding around on roller skates!"

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Lots of work went into this,


if any are below pg13, just delete the select joke....







An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a

series of tests, the last of which had left his

bodily systems extremely upset.


Upon making several false alarm trips to the

bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another

and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea

and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.


In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of

bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out

the hospital window.


A drunk was walking by the hospital when the

sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing,

and swinging his arms violently trying to get the

unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled

sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.


As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet,

staring down at the sheets, a hospital security

guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who

had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked

'What the heck is going on here?'


The drunk, still staring down replied: ' I'm not real sure, but I think I just beat the ******** out of a ghost.'





A plane crashes in the middle of the pacific, leaving only two men and one woman as survivors stranded on a deserted island. They quickly fall into a routine of the men switching nightly which one gets to have sex with the woman. All were happy and content until one day when the woman suddenly fell ill and died. For the first week after the woman died both men were sad, the second week was horrible, the third week was unbearable, and by the fourth week they decided the finally bury her.






A surviving relative of Gen. George Custer was trying to think of a way to honor her relative.


So she commissioned a a painting to be made of what Custer last saw as he crested the hill at Little Bighorn.


Months went by, and finally the big day came, she had a big dinner party to unveil the creation, people ate, socialized and generally had a good time, and finally it cam time to unveil the creation....


Once unveiled everybody gasp with unbelief at the painting, the relative was enraged at the painting and what it contained...


It contained in one upper corner of the painting a bunch of cows with halos over their heads apparently suspended in air above Little Bighorn.


Down in the valley, there were all of these male Indian warriors, performing otherwise non hetero sexual acts on each other...


She exclaimed, "How do you figure this aboration is what General Custer last saw!"


The painter answered, "I put much thought into this before painting, and all I could come up with is 'Holy cow! Look at all those f***in' Indians!'"





One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."

Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"

Satan: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it!"

Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"

Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"

Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."

Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."

Guy: "Cool!"

Satan: "What about Drugs?"

Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"

Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."

Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

Satan: "You gay?"

Guy: "Hell No..."

Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."




A very unattractive, mean actin' woman walks into Walmart with her two


After shoving her way past several customers waiting to get carts, she


to the Walmart greeter, "Go through those carts and find me one that


need oiling for once!"


Yes Ma'am, happy to oblige," says the Greeter, and goes and picks out a


for her.


"Here you are, Ma'am, hope this one is okay," he says.




"If you'd get out of my way, maybe I could find out!" snaps the woman.




"Sorry, Ma'am," the Greeter says, standing aside, "And you and the twins

have a nice day."




The woman snarls, "They're not twins, you moron! They don't even look




The greeter smiles, "No they don't Ma'am. I just couldn't believe you got

laid twice."






A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.


Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an

amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the

mother's labor pain to the baby's father.


He asked if they were willing to try it out.


Both said they were very much in favor of it.


The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that

even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced



But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor

to go ahead and kick it up a notch.


The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband

was still feeling fine.


The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at

how well he was doing.. .. At this point they decided to try for 50%.


The husband continued to feel quite well.


Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably,

the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.


The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the

husband had experienced none.


She and her husband were ecstatic.


When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.









After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.

Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love.

Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you?

Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."






One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"






A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee

for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250

to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally,

he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.





Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might


as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked,

return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."


So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.


The husband says,




"Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"


He never heard the shot.


Funeral on Thursday at Noon.


Closed coffin.








Few facts....



Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.


What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.



Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.



Why did OJ Simpson want to

Move to West Virginia ?

Everyone has the same DNA.


Why do drivers' education

Classes in Redneck schools

Use the car only on Mondays,

Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.




What's the difference between

A southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal

On the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".




Two cannibals are sitting around eating a clown. The first turns to the second and says:

"Does this taste funny to you?"




What is Bethooven doing these days?






Why does a bride always wear white:



The dishwasher has to match the other appliances



Why did they throw Raggedy Anne out of the toy box?


She kept on sitting on Pinnochios nose yelling, "Tell me a lie!"










New State Mottos



Alabama : Hell Yes, We Have Electricity


Alaska : 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!


Arizona : But It's A Dry Heat


Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything


California : By 30,Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda


Colorado : If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother


Connecticut : Like Massachusetts, Only the Kennedy's Don't Own It yet


Delaware : We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water




Georgia : We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism


Hawaii : Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)


Idaho : More Than Just Potatoes...Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good


Illinois : Please Don't Pronounce the "S"


Indiana : 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free


Iowa : We Do Amazing Things With Corn


Kansas : First Of The Rectangle States


Kentucky : Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names


Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign


Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster


Maryland : If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It


Massachusetts : Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)


Michigan : First Line Of Defense From The Canadians


Minnesota : 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes


Mississippi : Come And Feel Better About Your Own State


Missouri : Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work


Montana : Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else


Nebraska : Ask About Our State Motto Contest


Nevada : Hookers and Poker!


New Hampshire : Go Away And Leave Us Alone


New Jersey : You Want A ##$%##! Motto?I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!


New Mexico : Lizards Make Excellent Pets


New York : You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...


North Carolina : Tobacco Is A Vegetable


North Dakota : We Really Are One Of The 50 States!


Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan


Oklahoma : Like The Play, Only No Singing


Oregon : Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner


Pennsylvania : Cook With Coal


Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island


South Carolina : Remember The Civil War? we Didn't Actually Surrender


South Dakota : Closer Than North Dakota


Tennessee : The Educashun State


Texas : Sí, Hablo Ingles


Utah : Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus


Vermont : Yep


Virginia : Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?


Washington : We have more rain than you do


Washington , D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?


West Virginia : One Big Happy Family...Really!


Wisconsin : Come Cut The Cheese


Wyoming : Where Men Are Men...And The Sheep Are Scared


Other stuff....



I had a job application for a throw-away job when I was in college. The application said: Sex:____


I wrote in : "Yes please."






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Time to continue the trend.


Why did the woman cross the road?

Wait, better question, why is she out of the kitchen!?


Why don't women need drivers licenses?

There is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.


What do you call a woman with two brain cells?



Why do women live longer than men?

Because God adds them the time that they wasted on parking.




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Thats enough of those jokes now.


Thread is somewhat lighter now, I guess in more than one way...


Please try to avoid rude or tasteless jokes that may offend some members, Rape/abuse/racism/pedophilia/ect. ect.


If your making a joke regarding another member/friend ask them for permission first, Please do not attack other members here, if you did not like what someone said just hit the report button and let the mods know instead.


Closure and warn points if it gets out of hand so.......


Play nice?




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Sorry for the huge post. Just happy the thread's open again.


Two engineers are walking to class when one says, “Where’d you get such a great bike?”


The second engineer replies, “Well yesterday I was on my way home when this beautiful girl rode in front of me, tossed the bike and her clothes to the ground and declared, ‘Take what you want!’”


The first engineer nods in approval, “Good choice - the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”


Q: What’s the difference between military engineers and civil engineers?


A: Military engineers build missiles. Civil engineers build targets.


Knock, knock.


Who’s there?




*fruitcage* who?


No, “*fruitcage* whom?”


Q: Why did the kid fall off his Bike?


A: Because a bus hit him.



All across the kingdom, the news travelled quickly that the Queen’s bell-ringer, who faithfully served the royal family for decades, had passed. The Queen made the royal decree that she was looking for someone to come and take his place.


The next day, a humble peasant was first in the long line of applicants for the job. “My Queen,” he entreated her, “since I was a youth, I have always wanted to serve our kingdom and the royal family in this way. Let me be your bell-ringer, and I will serve in earnest all the days of my life.”


The Queen appreciated the peasant’s words, but was puzzled. “My humble servant, I have but one question: how can you serve the kingdom as the royal bell-ringer? You don’t have any arms!”


The peasant smiled and said simply, “Take me to the tower and I will show you.”


The Queen, her entourage, and the peasant climbed the steps of the bell tower until they reached the top. The peasant looked over his shoulder at the queen, “Behold!” And with that, the peasant ran to the far side of the room, spun around and ran directly at the bell. Faster and faster he ran then leapt, flew through the air, and–WHAM!–hit the bell full-force with his face.


Stunned, the Queen hesitated. But, when she heard the bell peal as never before, she told the peasant, “the position is yours.”


Weeks went by as the peasant served faithfully and punctually, and always in the same way: he would run across the room, spin around, charge directly at the bell, leap, and–WHAM!–hit the bell full-force with his face.


Until, that is, one fateful morning when the peasant woke up late. Certain he could still make it in time, he ran from his common home, tore across the kingdom, scrambled up the tower, across the room, spun, leapt and…missed the bell entirely! He instead flew across the room, out the nearby window and plummeted a thousand feet to his death.


Having heard the commotion, the castle guards ran upstairs to find the empty room. They looked out the window to find a crowd gathering around the peasant’s body. The one guard looks at each other and says, “My God–that poor man! Have you any idea who he is?”


The other guard responds


“I don’t know, but his face rings a bell.” :P.


Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet?

A: To stamp out forest fires.


Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?

A: To stamp out flaming ducks




The three dumbest puns I have:


Two fish in a tank, one says to the other ‘how do you drive this thing?’


Two birds on a perch, ones says to the other ’smell something fishy?’


Fish swims up a river and hits a wall. Damn.


Q: How do you get a chav off your porch?


A: Pay for the pizza.


Q: What’s the best way to see flying saucers?


A: Trip the waitress.



An accountant, a lawyer, and a physicist are having a beer and talking about how to deal with women. The accountant says “Have girlfriend. You keep your independence and can spend more time with your friends.” The lawyer says “Better to have a wife. She can help you advance your career.” The physicist says “No, no. Best to have a wife *and* a girlfriend. That way the wife thinks you’re with the girlfriend and the girlfriend thinks you’re with the wife. Meanwhile you can be down at the lab.”



What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and could kill you if it fell from a tree?


A pool table.





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