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christoff hitler

The joke thread.

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No, what's green and brown, has 8 legs and would kill you if it fell out a tree on your head?

 

A snooker table.

 

----------------------

 

What's the difference between a duck?

 

One of its legs are both the same.

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Whats white and can't climb trees?

 

A fridge.

 

Whats brown and sticky?

 

A Stick.

 

Whats pink and fluffy?

 

Pink fluff.

 

Whats green and blue and eats buses?

 

The green and blue bus eating monster.

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i got one, i heard this joke from my uncle.

 

 

A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it.

 

He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

 

While he is in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck . If he wants Bow Chika wow wow, don't resist, just do what he tells you! This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

 

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very attractive, and asked if we kept any vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too..

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Little Robert wakes up several nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents` room. Finally, one morning he says to his mom, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you`re bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh...well...ah...well, I`m bouncing on his stomach because he`s fat and that makes him thin again." The boy responds, "That won`t work!" His mom says, "Why not?" The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave for work each day and blows him back up.

 

 

A guy that was in the bar for awhile goes up to the bartender and says "you see that cup over there?"(pointing to a small cup behind the counter)"i`ll bet you $100 that i can stand on that table over there"(pointing to a table at the far end of the bar)"and pee so that it gets into that cup." The bartender smiles and agrees to the offer, cause, you know, he`s thinking easy money. So the guy goes and stands on the table, does his thing and starts spinning around in circles, completely missing the cup. The whole time the bartender is smiling, thinking about the money. So the guy finishes and goes to the bartender, smiling. The bartender said "why are you smiling? you just lost $100." The guy looked at the bartender and said "yeah, well, you see those guys over there? I bet them $1000 that I could pee all over your bar, and you`d be smiling."

 

 

 

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This was read by my area manager before a meeting. He had everyone in stiches lol. Hope you like ;)

 

 

5 MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

 

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

 

Before she! says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel, '

 

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

 

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

 

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

 

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

 

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

 

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

 

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

 

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

 

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

 

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129

 

It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

 

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

 

 

 

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

 

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

 

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

 

Puff! She's gone.

 

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

 

Puff! He's gone.

 

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

 

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

 

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

 

 

 

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

 

The eagle answered: ' Sure , why not.'

 

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

 

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

 

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

 

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

 

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients.' !

 

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

 

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the! tree.

 

Moral of the story:

Bull *beep* might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

 

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

 

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

 

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

 

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who *suitcases* on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of *beep* is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep *beep*, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

 

THIS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

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More horrid pun jokes:

 

The World Expert on European Wasps

 

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local town. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye: "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World and the sounds that they make - available now"

 

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

 

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

 

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

 

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Three minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

 

"I'm very sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth again, I can play you have another track."

 

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.

 

Three minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

 

"I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could hear another track."

 

Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.

 

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."

 

"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant,

 

.

.

 

"I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."

 

==================================================

 

The Tramp's Holiday

 

A tramp who has been very poor throughout his life finds a ten pound note on the ground. He's thrilled and decides to go on vacation.

 

He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!"

 

"Ahem, which holiday would sir like?" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.

 

"Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten pounds," replies the tramp.

 

"Well you'll never believe it," she says to the tramp. "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten pounds."

 

"Yippee!" exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it!"

 

A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen.

 

The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship!

 

The tramp is delighted.

 

"I'm glad you like it," replies the captain, "but there is one more thing... Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."

 

Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...

 

Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below.

 

He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived...

 

... and what a dive...!

 

Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this.

 

"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"

 

"Um, well I've never actually dived before," replied the tramp.

 

"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen..." He broke off. "Hey, I've got an idea", he started again. "How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"

 

"It's a deal!" says our man.

Then one morning the captain comes to talk. "Okay, I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you."

 

"Okay," agreed the tramp.

 

Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.

 

"Well, tramp," said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie. And the tramp began to climb...

 

up and up...

below him the ship grew smaller...

on and on...

past a solitary albatross...

and still higher...

till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below...

and on still further...

he reached the board.

He climbed on top...

and then...he jumped.

 

and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,

hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final stretch

Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,

"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!!"

The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove...

NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!

DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!

SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!

DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!

SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!

DOWN!

THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!

THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!

AND DOWN THROUGH THE DOUBLE-STRENGTH STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!

SMASH!

Into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.

He swam back up...

Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim.

 

"HERO!" "WONDERFUL!" "AMAZING!" "GOOD SHOW THAT!"

 

"Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen."

 

The captain went on, "but tell me, most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it."

 

And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly: "Well you see...I'm a just poor tramp, so you must understand that I've been through many a hard ship in my life."

 

===========================================================

 

I was visiting France, and while in Paris I decided to take a guided tour around the beautiful cathedral on the banks of the Seine. As we were being shown around the building, all of a sudden I spotted a sandwich box lying on the floor.

 

So I picked it up, and handed it to the guide. He was very apologetic, and hurried off with it. After a few minutes, I could hear him calling up the bell tower:

"Quazimodo! You left your sandwich box lying around again!"

 

When the guide returned, he apologised again, and when we asked him about the sandwiches, he said: "Don't worry about it... it's just the Lunchpack of Notredame."

 

============================================

 

If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?

 

========================================

 

Q: How do you recognize a blonde at a car wash?

A: He's the one on his bike.

 

=====================================

 

Kate Moss is at the top of mountain, looking down, when suddenly she slips, and starts falling down, down, down....

But as she falls, she realises that amazingly, she's missing all the boulders and rocks that litter the sides of the mountain. When she finally stops falling, she gets up, and finds that she's totally uninjured.

And the moral of this story is...?

 

A rolling Moss gathers no stones.

 

====================================

 

Q: What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?

A: They drowned in Spring training.

 

======================================

Pessimism:

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

My job is secure. No one else wants it.

Conclusion: the place where you got tired of thinking.

A bus station is where a bus stops...

A train station is where a train stops...

On my desk, I have a work station.

 

 

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