Silent_Assassin Posted January 8, 2008 Report Share Posted January 8, 2008 During trench warfare, when the English and French artillery fired the Germans ducked. when the German artillery fired the French ducked. And when the American artillery fired everyone ducked. ******************************************************************************** ****** The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other *beep* die for his. George S. Patton ******************************************************************************** ****** War does not determine who is right - only who is left. Bertrand Russell ******************************************************************************** ****** Artillerymen believe the world consist of two types of people; other Artillerymen and targets. Unknown ******************************************************************************** ****** The enemy should be in no doubt that we are his nemesis and that we are bringing about his rightful destruction. Lieutenant Colonel Tim Collins - Start of the war in Iraq ******************************************************************************** ****** Special Orders to No.1 Section 13/3/18 (1) This position will be held, and the section will remain here until relieved. (2) The enemy cannot be allowed to interfere with this programme. (3) If the section cannot remain here alive, it will remain here dead, but in any case it will remain here. (4) Should any man, through shell shock or other cause, attempt to surrender, he will remain here dead. (5) Should all guns be blown out, the section will use Mills grenades and other novelties. (6) Finally, the position as stated, will be held ******************************************************************************** ****** It is better to live one day as a lion than a hundred years as a sheep. Italian proverb ******************************************************************************** ****** When you are the anvil, be patient. When you are the hammer, strike. Arabian Proverb ******************************************************************************** ****** I do not know with what weapons WWIII will be fought with, but WWIV will be fought with sticks and stones. Albert Einstein ******************************************************************************** ****** Wars may be fought with weapons, but they are won by men. General George Patton Jr ******************************************************************************** ****** "Si vis pacem, para bellum" ("If you want peace, prepare for war!") Flavius Vegetius Renatus (ca 390 AD Link to post Share on other sites
Silent_Assassin Posted January 8, 2008 Author Report Share Posted January 8, 2008 Some more... THE FIVE MOST DANGEROUS THINGS IN THE ARMY: A Private saying, "I learned this in boot camp...." A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..." A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based on my experience..." A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..." and a Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this *beep*..." THE FIVE MOST DANGEROUS THINGS IN MARINE CORPS: A Private saying, "I just got the word...." A Sergeant saying, "Lock and Load!" A Second Lieutenant saying, "Follow me!" A Captain saying to an in-bound A-6, "Our position is....." A Lt. Col. chuckling, "I've seen this *beep* before...." Back -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The difference between Infantry, Cavalry and Artillery. HAPPINESS IS . . . Infantry: A good rifle Cavalry: A big tank Artillery: A loud boom UPON HEARING FIREWORKS Infantry: Cool, just like a live fire exercise Cavalry: Not loud enough Artillery: Fireworks? What fireworks? OTHER TRADES Infantry: Waste of rations Cavalry: Waste of rations Artillery: Waste of rations IDEA OF FUN Infantry: Not having to "pepper-pot" an entire grid square before the objective Cavalry: Racing across a grid square on "full stab" Artillery: Leveling a grid square FAVOURITE SONG Infantry: "Ballad of the Green Beret" Cavalry: "Purple Haze" Artillery: Anything, just play it LOUD! BIGGEST LUXURY IN THE FIELD Infantry: Engineers blowing trenches for them with C4 Cavalry: Grunts to dig their trenches for them Artillery: Cable A LONG ROUTE MARCH WITH FULL KIT Infantry: 20 clicks Cavalry: From the hangars to the tank Artillery: What's a route march? OFFICERS Infantry: Are morons and should stay away from the trenchlines Cavalry: Are morons and should stay out of the vehicles Artillery: Are morons and should stay away from the gun lines FAVORITE MODE OF TRANSPORTATION Infantry: Anything but walking Cavalry: Tanks. Tanks. Tanks. TankstankstankstanksTANKS! Artillery: Don't you have to move around to require transport? BIGGEST GRIPE IN THE FIELD Infantry: The weather Cavalry: Coffee maker in tank not working Artillery: Only having basic cable BREAKFAST IN THE FIELD Infantry: I don't care what it is, just so long as I can sit down to eat it Cavalry: Hot coffee and rum with a beer chaser Artillery: Eggs over easy, crispy bacon, sausages, toast and Tim Horton's coffee WHAT THEY CALL THEMSELVES Infantry: Death Techs Cavalry: Cavalry Artillery: 10 Mile Snipers Back -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Comparison of military operational tactics (Snake model) Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes. Aviation: Has GPS coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake Force projection. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area ofOperations. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost. Back -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Military comparisons of the word "sucks" An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 15 kg. pack on his back, 5 kg. weapon in hand, after having marched 15 km, and says, "This sucks." An Army Airborne Ranger stands waist deep in the rain with a 25 kg. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 30 km, and says with a smile, "This sucks just fine!" A Special Forces soldier lies in the mud, 40 kg pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 km to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 40 km at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, while biting the head of a snake "This really sucks, I wish it could suck more....." An Air Force Pilot flying over the battlefield, the rain is pouring down, looks down at the soldiers below and says: "Sure sucks down there!" An Air Force officer sits in an easy chair in his air conditioned, carpeted room and says to his friend, "Man.. Cable's out! This sucks!" Back -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rules of a Gunfight Avoid them like the plague Be aware of what is going on around you by staying in condition yellow. Have a plan or two. (If not, a "Last Will & Testament will do.) Corollary: No plan survives contact with the enemy. Bring at least one gun (don't bring a knife). Bring the biggest gun you can handle. Bring friends (as friendly witnesses or fire support).* Let close air support or artillery soften-up the target for you. Make use of available cover. Remember the difference between concealment and cover. Don't get shot (Use cover to your advantage). Place your shots well. Pay attention to where your shots fall. "Speed's fine, but accuracy is final." Don't miss. (You can't miss fast enough to win.) Never assume your opponent is out of ammo. Bring lots of ammo. In combat, you will be scared. You will have a tendency to shoot high. Be aware of this and aim low. Back -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rules of drawing If you're the bad guy, draw & shoot first. If you're the good guy, draw second and shoot first. Never turn your back on an armed bad guy, even if he's down. Back -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rules of wounds A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down. If you're bleeding to death, say something witty. If you're actually dying, say something deep. Back -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rules of quitting Don't quit just because you're hit; GET EVEN! Never quit, period. There is no prize for second place. There's no such thing as "unfair advantage." He who lives to run away will live to run another day (the best strategy is being somewhere else). It is better to give than receive (Just like Christmas). Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing. If your opponents didn't have the courtesy to "Count Off!" before beginning, assume that there's one more somewhere. When the cops pull up, think fast and move slow. Say nothing afterwards but the Seven Magic Words: "I'd like to speak with my attorney." Distribute press releases indicating you target belongs to a cult.* Drop the one with the shotgun first. Afterward, alter evidence to favor your position and plan for perjury.* Use cutesy green-and-purple colored weapons and ammo so the press won't show any video of your non-evil-looking equipment. Fuzzy rifle-wrap works best. Insist on at least $50K from tabloid TV producers. Back -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Trouble with the chain-of-command A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS: "Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it." EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER: "By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years." COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT: "By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years." LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT: "Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area." SERGEANT TO SQUAD: "When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues." Back -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- US Army telephone answering machine. We're sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, region, specific crisis and a number where you can be reached. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the streets of Washington, D.C. and attending the compulsary Consideration of Others Training, we will return your call. Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please choose from the following options: If your crisis is small and is located near the sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps. If your concern is distant, with temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low-risk high-altitude bombing runs, press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note that this service is not available after 1630 hours , or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding. If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of grey funnel,bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-serve basis. If your inquiry is not urgent, press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force. If you are in really hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be answered by the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a mandatory credit check will be done to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also, be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it is classified If you are interested in joining the U S Army, and you wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, and are prepared to work your *albatross* off, risking your life in all weather and terrains, both day and night, whilst watching Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line. Your call will be answered shortly by the next available bitter passed -over for promotion Army Recruiter located in a strip mall down by the post office. Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United States Army! Back -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- RANK RECOGNITION MADE EASY General Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Walks on water. Lunches with God, but must pick up tab. Colonel Almost as fast as a speeding bullet. More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline. Leaps short buildings with a single bound. Walks on water if sea is calm. Talks to God. Lieutenant-Colonel Faster than an energetically thrown rock. Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet. Leaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds. Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present. May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least three working days in advance. Major Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy. Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical. Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall buildings. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God, in passing. Captain Can sometimes handle firearm without shooting self. Is run over by trains. Barely clears outhouse. Dog paddles. Mumbles to self. Lieutenant Is dangerous to self and comrades if armed and unsupervised. Recognizes trains two out of three times. Runs into tall buildings. Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of life jacket and water wings. Talks to walls. 2nd Lieutenant Can be trusted with either gun or ammunition but never both. Must have train ticket pinned to jacket and mittens tied to sleeves. Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter tall buildings. Plays in Mud puddles. Studders. Officer Cadet Under no circumstances to be issued with gun or ammunition, and must even be closely supervised when handling sharp pieces of paper - staples are right out. Says: "Look at choo choo!" Not allowed inside buildings of any size. Makes good boat anchor. Mere existence makes God shudder. Sergeant-Major Catches hyper sonic armour peircing fin stabilized discarding sabot depleted uranium long rod penetrators in his teeth and eats them. Kicks bullet trains off their tracks. Uproots tall buildings and walk under them. Freezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling gesture. Is God. Link to post Share on other sites
swannie_2006 Posted January 8, 2008 Report Share Posted January 8, 2008 Epic! Link to post Share on other sites
Silent_Assassin Posted January 8, 2008 Author Report Share Posted January 8, 2008 The 1st joke is my favourite. Although the last time I said something like that about the US armed forces I got an abusive PM from an American calling me a bigot. I don't know why?, I like black people. Link to post Share on other sites
FarEast Posted January 8, 2008 Report Share Posted January 8, 2008 The most dangerous part of any firearm is the trigger. Link to post Share on other sites
GuzziHero Posted January 8, 2008 Report Share Posted January 8, 2008 Best military joke EVER: "Mission Accomplished" Link to post Share on other sites
Silent_Assassin Posted January 8, 2008 Author Report Share Posted January 8, 2008 The most dangerous part of any firearm is the trigger. Really?, I would have considered the solid metal projectile travelling 3 times the speed of sound comming out of the muzzle to be the most dangerous part of any firearm. Or am I just being Cr4zY Link to post Share on other sites
sturgis Posted January 8, 2008 Report Share Posted January 8, 2008 lol, a couple of good ones there had read a couple before though. here's two that always stuck with me : A naval officer walks into the mens restroom in a bar. As he is taking a ######, a Marine walks in and does his thing aswell next to him. Upon finishing the naval officer walks over to the sink and starts washing his hands. While the officer is drying his hands, he notices the Marine zip up, walking right past him into the corridor that leads to the bar and outraged, yell's out to the Marine: "Hey, do they not teach you to wash your hands after your done peeing in the Marine corps!!??" The Marine stops, turns round, and barks out :"SIR, in the Corps we are thought NOT to ###### on our hands, SIR!!" Uncle Bob ------------ A teacher gives his 4th grade class a task for homework. They should talk to their parents and try to come up with a story that has a moral at the end of it, wich they will need to present in class. The next day, all the kids get to tell their story one by one. Bobby says: "My dad is a farmer, and we have lots of chicken who lay eggs, wich we sell for a small profit. One day, we were taking our eggs to the market in a basket wich was on the frontseat of the truck. When we hit a bump in the road, all the eggs flew out of the basket and they all broke and made a mes of the car." "So, what's the moral of this story?" , asks the teacher to Bobby. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" replies Bobby "very good!", says the teacher : "now you tell a story Amy." "Well, my daddy is a farmer to, but we raise chickens for the meat market. We had 15 eggs once, but only 10 of them hatched! So the moral is, don't count your chickens until they are hatched!" says Amy. "That's a very good story! Jimmy you tell a story now." says the teacher " Well, my uncle Bob was a green beret in Vietnam. One time, his helicopter was hit and the only things he had with him were an M16, a machette and a bottle of Whiskey. He drank the bottle of Whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break as he crashlanded in the middle of enemy territory with 250 VC. He killed a hundred with his M16 until he ran out of ammo, he killed seventy more using the empty gun as a baseball bat until it broke in half, he then killed fifty more with his machette until the blade broke, and killed the remaining thirty with his bare hands..." "Good Lord!!" gasped the teacher horrified , "Wich moral does that story have?" "Don't *fruitcage* with uncle Bob when hes been drinking..." Link to post Share on other sites
Mike_West Posted January 8, 2008 Report Share Posted January 8, 2008 Actual radio dialogue from the Iraq war: Capt. Kelly: "I can't see *beep* out here!" *Artillery blast* Unknown soldier: "Is that bright enough for you, sir?!" Link to post Share on other sites
Fin Posted January 8, 2008 Report Share Posted January 8, 2008 Heres two off the top of my head "It will all be over by Christmas!" and "Dont worry the Americans have us covered" at which point you drop more of a brick than when you learned the enemy out numbered you 10 to 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Libris Posted January 8, 2008 Report Share Posted January 8, 2008 Really?, I would have considered the solid metal projectile travelling 3 times the speed of sound comming out of the muzzle to be the most dangerous part of any firearm. Or am I just being Cr4zY No, you're just being crazy 'cause without the trigger they're going nowhere... Link to post Share on other sites
sillyp Posted January 8, 2008 Report Share Posted January 8, 2008 Navy Maintenance rules(literally things I live by. more to come) If it's jammed, force it. If it breaks, hide it. "Holiday Routine" really means normal routine during the holidays. Link to post Share on other sites
Counting Count Posted January 8, 2008 Report Share Posted January 8, 2008 Military phrases that you would rather not hear: Of course the Claymore is pointing away from us...er..which way are WE pointing ? The RAF will be providing the close air support Move to Grid 12345678 where the helicopters will pick you up at 0300 Good effort lads, outstanding entry drills, but it's the wrong house Soldier, I'm the Platoon Commander, I should have the map You are cordially invited to the 3 Para Mortar Platoon Rohypnol Party Pick up the log It's character building It's your turn to blow the blind grenade OK, integrity question, did you do it? Follow me, it's a short cut Your new Troop Sgt has just done P company You feature rather a lot in the Christmas duty list We're all out of them, fill out all these forms and we will indent for them The RSM wants your feet in his in tray NOW Tony needs something to whip up voter support and he's decided on another war Right, lads, this one's a silent breach Right-ho chaps, I know where we are, follow me! Can you just have a quick look at my 432? Don't worry lads. I was in the RAF you know You'll like Osnabruck its a great posting Tony has decided to send troops to the Lebanon on peace keeping duties... ...using UN rules of engagement...with only 2 rounds each! Yup I've been on the other millitary humour site... one or two may know where I mean... Link to post Share on other sites
Cyber Soldier Posted January 8, 2008 Report Share Posted January 8, 2008 This whole place smells of ARRSE Link to post Share on other sites
Counting Count Posted January 8, 2008 Report Share Posted January 8, 2008 Got it in one Cyber... the Bootneck spec one don't get used much.... it was tempting... anyhow anyone read the Free market Fairy Tales page? Link to post Share on other sites
Silent_Assassin Posted January 9, 2008 Author Report Share Posted January 9, 2008 The most dangerous part of any firearm is the trigger. Ok, new game. The most dangerous part of any firearm is..... The American holding it. Link to post Share on other sites
thewallhitme Posted January 9, 2008 Report Share Posted January 9, 2008 Ok, new game. The most dangerous part of any firearm is..... The American holding it. +1 americans can make anything dangerous, just give them a bit of time. however, we (the british) can laugh at anything we want to according to our "british humour". during WW1, some germans were sitting in their trench. a brit gets bored one day and says to his mate "watch this. IS THAT YOU FRITZ?!" to which a german voice replies "yeh" and a head appears over the parapet. the brit shoots him. so the 2 brits keep doing this over and over again. after the bodies pile up, the germans start to catch on. one of them says "is that you tommy?!" to which the brit replies "yeh!" and is soon shot. so before anyone else gets killed a brit waits for the german to ask again. "is that you tommy?!" "yeh" he says keeping his head down, "is that you fritz" "yeh" bang! Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Blackgoat Posted January 12, 2008 Report Share Posted January 12, 2008 Someone asks an American: "Why are you so sure Iraq has WMDs?" "Because we kept the invoices..." Link to post Share on other sites
Shriven Posted January 12, 2008 Report Share Posted January 12, 2008 To be fair.. the same thing could be said for us Brits! Link to post Share on other sites
Holmes Posted January 13, 2008 Report Share Posted January 13, 2008 Or us Canadians. Sorry guys, we're all human, and we all suck as one species, not as separate countries Link to post Share on other sites
darthrebelpenguin Posted January 13, 2008 Report Share Posted January 13, 2008 What? No John Paul Jones? "An honorable Peace is and always was my first wish! I can take no delight in the effusion of human Blood; but, if this War should continue, I wish to have the most active part in it." "I wish to have no connection with any ship that does not sail fast; for I intend to go in harm's way." "Whoever can surprise well must conquer" “It is by no means enough that an officer be capable...He should be a gentleman of liberal education, refined, manners, punctilious courtesy, and the nicest sense of personal honor... No meritorious act of a subordinate should escape his attention, even if the reward be only one word of approval. Conversely, he should not be blind to a single fault in any subordinate." Saving the best for last, "I have not yet begun to fight!" Link to post Share on other sites
NeoVeNoM Posted January 13, 2008 Report Share Posted January 13, 2008 This was once asked a special forces sniper. "what do you feel when you shoot down the enemy?" "recoil" he said. People who call themselves God, are going to have one hell of a time explaining themselves to their maker. If it runs, shoot it. If it shoots back, bomb it, If it bombs back, Nuke the SOB. Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Blackgoat Posted January 13, 2008 Report Share Posted January 13, 2008 To be fair.. the same thing could be said for us Brits! Or us Canadians. Sorry guys, we're all human, and we all suck as one species, not as separate countries Or us for that matter! We were actually also trying to preserve some of our interests while trying to convince the coalition it was a mistake to invade Iraq. As well as the fact that we could not afford it, militarily or economically. Anyway, it's too late now... Back on topic: Hierarchy is vital. A system that gives you a Sergeant is a blessing: it gives the enemy a more important target than you, to shoot at! (I'm Sergeant BTW!!) Link to post Share on other sites
Desolation mkII Posted January 15, 2008 Report Share Posted January 15, 2008 Someone asks an American: "Why are you so sure Iraq has WMDs?" "Because we kept the invoices..." Wasn't it the French that sold the Iraqis a nuclear reactor... Link to post Share on other sites
black team-2 Posted January 15, 2008 Report Share Posted January 15, 2008 i havent laughed so hard in ages Link to post Share on other sites
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