Military jokes/quotes.

[Silent_Assassin]

question - why would a sa80 a1 draw out unemployment benefit?

 

answer - because it dosen't work....

 

badoom tish!

 

Go stand in the corner and hang your head in shame

[Nihil_75]

Heres one common in Israel...

 

When a paratrooper makes a mistake, a paratrooper dies.

 

When artillery makes a mistake, a paratrooper dies.

 

[aerodrew]

[Fin]

"A smart man finds a way not to go to war" George bush was not a smart man, what....so.......%*&£ing.......ever

[Jester83]

A friend of the family asked me after a deployment to Iraq what we did for fun? With a straight face I told him..."Bob, we would jump in a humvee and go out to the local Iraqi strip club. Instead of getting naked, they would just remove their veil and smile with their 'Billy Bob teeth' and giggle. You just have to be worried about the ticking ones."

 

[Mister Cookie]

"Do not touch anything unnecessarily. Beware of pretty girls in dance halls and parks who may be spies, as well as bicycles, revolvers, uniforms, arms, dead horses, and men lying on roads -- they are not there accidentally."

-Soviet infantry manual, issued in the 1930's

 

"One of the serious problems in planning the fight against American doctrine, is that the Americans do not read their manuals, nor do they feel any obligation to follow their doctrine..."

- From a Soviet Junior Lt's Notebook

 

"The best tank terrain is that without anti-tank weapons."

-Russian military doctrine.

 

CANNON, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries

[terrorist killer]

you got almost all of that off COD4

[raz96]

Don´t forget....

 

Murphys Law of Combat Operations:

1. Friendly fire - isn't.

2. Recoilless rifles - aren't.

3. Suppressive fires - won't.

4. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.

5. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.

6. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

7. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.

8. If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike.

9. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.

10. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

11. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.

12. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

13. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.

14. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.

15. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:

a. When they're ready.

b. When you're not.

16. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.

17. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.

18. Five second fuses always burn three seconds.

19. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

20. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.

21. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.

22. The easy way is always mined.

23. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

24. Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.

25. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.

26. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.

27. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.

28. Incoming fire has the right of way.

29. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

30. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.

31. If the enemy is within range, so are you.

32. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

33. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.

34. Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.

35. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.

36. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both).

37. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.

38. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.

39. Tracers work both ways.

40. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.

41. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.

42. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.

43. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.

44. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.

45. Weather ain't neutral.

46. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.

47. Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.

48. 'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go'.

49. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.

50. Napalm is an area support weapon.

51. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

52. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.

53. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.

54. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.

55. The one item you need is always in short supply.

56. Interchangeable parts aren't.

57. It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.

58. When in doubt, empty your magazine.

59. The side with the simplest uniforms wins.

60. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

61. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

62. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.

63. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.

64. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.

65. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.

66. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.

67. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.

68. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.

69. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.

70. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.

71. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.

72. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.

73. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

74. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.

75. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.

76. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)

77. Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.

78. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.

79. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.

80. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.

81. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.

82. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.

83. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.

84. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.

85. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.

86. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

87. Murphy was a grunt.

88. Beer Math --> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.

89. Body count Math --> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.

90. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.

91. All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.

92. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.

93. The crucial round is a dud.

94. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.

95. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.

96. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.

97. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.

98. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.

99. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.

100. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.

101. Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.

102. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.

103. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).

104. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.

105. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.

106. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.

107. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.

108. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.

109. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.

110. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.

111. Walking point = sniper bait.

112. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.

113. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.

114. Radios function perfectly until you need fire support.

115. What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank.

116. Odd objects attract fire. You are odd.

117. Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud.

118. Mine fields are not neutral.

119. The weight of your equipment is proportional to the time you have been carrying it.

120. Things that must be together to work can never be shipped together.

121. If you need an officer in a hurry take a nap.

122. The effective killing radius is greater than the average soldier can throw it.

123. Professionals are predictable, its the amateurs that are dangerous.

124. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.

125. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.

126. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small. (or "on order")

127. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.

128. When a front line soldier overhears two General Staff officers conferring,

he has fallen back too far.

129. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.

130. If at first you don't succeed, then bomb disposal probably isn't for you.

131. Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . . once.

132. Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.

133. If you find yourself in front of your platoon they know something you don't.

134. The seriousness of a wound (in a firefight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.

135. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.

136. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not your friend.

137 When the enemy is closing, the artillery will always be to long

138 Smart bombs have bad days too.

139 Uncrating and assembly instructions are always inside the crate.

140 If you have a personality conflict with your superior: he has the personality, you have the conflict.

141 If you enter the CO's Presence with an idea, you will leave his Presence with the CO's idea.

 

142. All or any of the Murphys Laws above combined.

[askeytheman]

Dude, i play CoD4.. but its sad you spotted that!

 

Love ya really!

 

A group of Royal Marine NCOs are dining in the officers mess when an officer from a French regiment enters and sits at the end of the table. Without taking off his hat he starts to dine. A Colour Sergeant asks the french officer,

"Can you pass the Salt?"

And is ignored. Taking no notice, they continue.

The next day the same thing happens, same officer and same NCOs. This time the officer, is joined by another French officer.

The CSgt says again

"can you pass the salt?"

again, no reply

the CSgt takes offence his request being ignored, and renews his assault, this time with a cough

*cough* "can you pass the salt?!"

again he is ignored. When the french officer leaves his fellow approaches the Royals.

"The regimental custom for our officers is that when an officer dines with his hat on, he wishes not to speak"

The next day, the same officers are dining. Again the french officer is wearing his hat at the table, and again the CSgt asks

"can you pass the salt?"

No reply. So he gets up, walks down the table, puts his size 11 boot in the Captains bowl, and says:

"In my regiment, when an officer puts his boot in your cereal, it means to pass the fruitcaging salt!"

[Counting Count]

That's an old one... but a good one.

[mattmanic]

Dude, i play CoD4.. but its sad you spotted that!

 

Those quotes have always been in the cod series.

[black team-2]

hilarioius especialy the ied ones. now heres my contribution

 

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

 

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

 

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

 

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

 

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

 

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET; WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

 

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

 

Thats the best one 1 have read yet

 

[Hedganian]

How to Secure a Building

 

The Minister of Defence decided to gather officers from the Army, Navy, Marines, and Air Force in order to try to explain why there’s so much difficulty in communicating with each other.

The Minister arranges the meeting, and tells the assembled officers that their first task is to “secure” a particular building. He orders them to back to their quarters in order to prepare a list of steps for the plan and bring it back to him the next morning.

 

The Royal Navy Lieutenant calls his Chief Petty Officer and says, “Tell the men to:

• Unplug the coffee pots

• Turn off the computers

• Turn out the lights

• Lock the doors and leave the building unoccupied”

 

The Army Captain has her list in her notepad:

• Assemble the company

• Appoint Orderly Officer and Guard Commander

• Take control of all exits

• Make sure no one gets into the building without a pass

 

The Royal Marines Captain writes down his plan on palm of his hand:

• Assemble the platoon and supplies

• Approach the building along three axes

• Bring the building under mortar fire

• Assault the building under covering fire

• Sequester surviving prisoners

• Establish arcs of fire

• Prepare artillery calls

• Repel counterattacks

 

The Royal Air Force Flight Lieutenant types his list into his laptop:

• Contact estate agent

• Negotiate 3-year lease

• Be sure to get option to buy

[Hedganian]

How the Military has Changed over the Years

 

1945 - NCOs had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports.

2000 - Everyone has an Internet ready computer, and their OCs wonder why no work is being done.

 

1945 - Soldiers were taught to aim at their enemy and shoot him.

2000 - Soldiers spray 500 bullets into the brush, don’t hit anything, and retreat because they’re out of ammo.

 

1945 - Canteens were made of steel, and you could heat tea, coffee or hot chocolate in them.

2000 - Canteens are made of plastic, you can’t heat anything in them, and anything you put in them always tastes like plastic.

 

1945 - We defeated powerful countries like Germany and Japan.

2000 - We come up short against Iraq and Yugoslavia.

 

1945 - If you wanted beer and conversation you went to the NCO’s or Officers’ Mess.

2000 - The beer will cost you £2.50, membership is forced, someone is watching how much you drink and the conversation isn’t worth having.

 

1945 - We called the enemy names like “Krauts” and “Japs” because we didn’t like them.

2000 - We call the enemy the “Opposing force” or “Aggressor” because we don’t want to offend them.

 

1945 - Victory was declared when the enemy was defeated and all his things were broken.

2000 - Victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry.

 

[Hedganian]

Differences in 'Military Intelligence'

 

Take the Army, for instance. When the balloon goes up, the young private wakes up at a bellow from the Platoon Sergeant. He grabs a set of combats out of his locker, gets dressed, runs down to the cookhouse for a breakfast on the run, then jumps into his tank. Pretty soon, the Platoon Commander arrives, gives him a big salute, and says, “Give ’em Hell, men.”

 

Now take the Royal Marines. When the balloon goes up, the young Marine is kicked out of bed by his Platoon Sergeant, puts on a muddy set of combats because he just got back in from the field three hours before. He gets no breakfast, but is told to feel free to chew on his boots. He runs out and forms up with his rifle. Pretty soon, his Platoon Commander comes out, gives his Marines a sharp salute, and says, “Give ’em Hell, Marines!”

 

Let’s look at the Royal Navy. When the balloon goes up, the young Sailor is eating breakfast in the mess. He walks 20 feet to his battle station, stuffing extra pastries in his pocket as he goes. There he sits, in the middle of a steel target, with nowhere to run, when the Captain comes on the PA system and says, “Give ’em Hell, Sailors! I salute you!”

 

Now the Royal Air Force. When the balloon goes up, the Airman receives a phone call in his off-base quarters. He gets up, showers, shaves, and puts on a fresh uniform he had just picked up from the dry-cleaners the day before. He jumps in his car, and stops at McDonalds for a McMuffin on his way into work. Once he arrives at work, he signs in on the duty roster and proceeds to his Tornado. He spends 30 minutes pre-flighting it, signs off the forms. Pretty soon the Pilot, a young Flight Lieutenant, walks out and straps into the plane. He starts the engines. Our young Airman stands at attention, gives the pilot a sharp salute, and says, “Give ’em Hell, Sir!”

 

 

Who's really the most intelligent?

[Hedganian]

Many of these have been posted before, but I'm sure some haven't. And it's too late at night and I'm too tired to go through and edit them. So you'll just have to bear with me through any duplicates....

 

Laws of Combat

 

• Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.

• Try to look unimportant because the enemy may be low on ammo.

• If you are short of everything except enemy, you are in combat.

• When you have secured an area, don’t forget to tell the enemy.

• If your attack is going really well, you’re about to be ambushed.

• The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

• Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you can’t get out.

• Professional soldiers are predictable but the world is full of amateurs.

• Once you are in the fight, it is far too late to wonder if this is a good idea.

• If everything is as clear as a bell and everything is going exactly as planned, you’re about to be surprised.

• No matter what you do, the bullet with your name on it will get you. So, too, can the ones addressed “To Whom It May Concern”.

• If you are allergic to lead, it is best to avoid a war zone.

• A sucking chest wound may be God’s way of telling you it’s time to go.

• There is only one rule in war: when you win, you get to make up the Rules.

• Medals are nice, but having your body and all your friends in one piece at the end of the day is better.

• Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate – the bombs always hit the ground.

• “You, you and you: panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

• The best defence is to stay out of range.

• Remember – all your equipment was made by the lowest bidder.

• Smart bombs have bad days too.

• A Purple Heart just proves that you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

• Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

• Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.

• Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

• Don’t draw fire, it irritates the people around you.

• Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last and don’t ever volunteer for anything.

• Five second fuses only last three seconds.

• Friendly fire – isn’t.

• Suppressing fire – doesn’t.

• If God had wanted us to be in the Army, we would have been born with green, baggy skin.

• If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.

• If the enemy is in range, so are you.

• If you can’t remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.

• Incoming fire has the right of way.

• It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

• Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

• Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.

• Never trust a private with a loaded weapon, or an officer with a map.

• No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

• Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.

• Push to test. Release to detonate.

• War seems to be the government’s way of teaching geography to the masses.

• Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.

• The easy way is always mined.

• The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.

• The side with the simplest uniforms wins.

• There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

• Those who beat their swords into ploughs will plough for those who don’t.

• Tracer rounds work both ways.

• We are not retreating; we are advancing in another direction.

• When in doubt, empty the magazine.

• Without the safety pin, Mr. Grenade is not your friend.

• Who cares if a laser guided, 1000 lb bomb is accurate to within 9 feet?

• Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.

• “A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.” – US Army Handbook

• “You don’t win a war by dying for your country; You win a war by making the other SOB die for his country.” – General Patton

• “We sleep safely in our beds, because rough men stand ready in the night to inflict violence on those who would harm us.” – George Orwell

 

[chas]

REAL story from when my brother was an MP:

 

One boring night he had to pull guard, he was strolling around the base and found a locked room wich had a "Detention Room" sign on its door, but was far away from the cells and had never even been in it. He asked his seargent what was with that room and the srgt. got the keys and showed him around: in the room (looked like a dumpster) he saw all kinds of stuff, like a few sprypaint cans some pacifist had used to graffity on the base's walls, a Cetme rifle a guy had used to shoot himself, some books and magazines that had been confiscated and a steet light, just like the ones you could see all over the base: a complete street lamp with pole and everything.

 

Turns out a sergeant, who was bloody drunk, ran into the light, got a blue eye and a swolen nose from the encounter, and had the light detained.

 

Im not ###### you.

[James Kelly]

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but I didn't stop."

 

SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul reported one exchange. His SR-71 was screaming across Southern California, 13 miles high and its crew were monitoring cockpit chatter as they entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control the SR-71, LA monitored its movement across their scope. The SR-71 crew heard a Cessna ask for a readout of groundspeed.

"90 knots" Center replied.

Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same.

"120 knots," Center answered.

An F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout."

Center (after a slight pause): "525 knots on the ground, Dusty".

The SR-71 realised how ripe a situation this was for one-upmanship: "Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?"

Center (after a longer than normal pause): "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots"

No further groundspeed inquiries were heard on that frequency.

 

In similar vein (airport not stated), an SR-71 crew were listening in on a similar "match this" contest. A Cessna asked to clear to 4000 ft, a corporate jet requested clearance to 12,000, an airliner to 18,000, etc. Finally the SR-71 called ATC.

SR-71: "Request clearance to 80,000 ft"

Tower: "Just how in hell do you plan to get up there?"

SR-71: "Uh Tower, I'm descending to 80,000".

 

A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German aeroplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

 

The quotes are from Here though I am certian I have heard them somewhere else as well

[scorch]

I'm surprised I've not seen Skippy's list on here.

 

The site requests that you don't post the entire list.

 

BUT here be a link.

[sandstorm]

Hmm, I thought Skippy's list was stickified in here...

--

To not just spam, here's a joke from pre-Winter War negotiations between Finland and Soviet Union (Winter War, part of Phony War before general hostilities opened in Europe...)

 

Molotov was trying to intimidate the Finnish negotiators to give up so that Red Army wouldn't need to expend ammunition to invade, so he gets a recent intel briefing and tells the Finns that they have fifty thousand men at the border, while Soviets have hundred thousand at ready. The finnish negotiator turns toward an aide and tells him to take a telegram to be sent to Finnish High Command. "Authorizing the distribution of second cartridge to every soldier. Stop. Any misses will be deducted from soldier's pay. Stop."

 

[Silent_Assassin]

 

@James Kelly... Just told that to my work mate and both being exRAF (me be slightly less however) found it very funny.

[Hoodlum]

freindly fire-isnt.