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Puzo

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Skippys List

 

37. Our medic is called “Sgt Larwasa”, not “Dr. Feelgood”.

 

95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.

 

98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not “Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.”

 

177. I am not to refer to a formation as “the boxy rectangle thingie”.

 

205. Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")

 

210. Must not make T-shirts up depicting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.

 

:D

I lol'd.

 

(Warning: Long Read Ahead)

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26. Never tell a German soldier that “We kicked your *albatross* in World War 2!” But it's factually correct.

 

77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for." I figure this would work on American troops.

 

152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries. Why not?

 

191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot. And that's what's wrong with the American military.

 

:zorro:

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  • 3 months later...

200. My chain of command is not interested in why I “just happen” to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.

 

207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)

 

209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism...this was the same dinner.)

 

211. Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.

 

:rofl:

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145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.

 

146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.

 

205. Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")

 

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:'

 

 

Edit: I like the ones by skippy's fans, too.

 

36.

Combining blanks and cleaning rods in the M16A2 rifle is not an acceptable means of acquiring "meat for the tribe." It should be noted it's a *badgeress* unpinning a squirrel from a tree and you NEVER get your cleaning rod back.

 

44.Do not attempt to place subliminal messages on the power point slides.

 

67.Do not mix fake fangs and dress inspections.

 

68.Do not run up to refueling helicopters with a squeegee and a bucket, and ask for a dollar to wash their windows.

 

69.Do not say "Oops" when working with explosives, just to be funny.

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I've got some of my own...

 

"When a 1.st lieutenant tells you to take care of your APC and give it a name, it does not mean that you can put 10cm tall white letters saying "MARIAH" on both sides of it."

 

"When you get to handle assault rifles for the first time and your squad leader asks you: 'What are you, a gun freak?', the proper response is not 'Sir, that exactly, sir!'"

 

I think I've got some more in my sleeve but I'm too drunk to get nostalgic about the army right now.

 

-Sale

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"When you get to handle assault rifles for the first time and your squad leader asks you: 'What are you, a gun freak?', the proper response is not 'Sir, that exactly, sir!'"

 

ROFL

 

61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean “I have been promoted three more times than you”.

67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.

68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to “Block out the space mind control lasers”.

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22. Must never call an SAS a “W*****”.

 

33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.

 

34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.

 

78. I may not call block my chain of command

 

80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.

 

81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance

 

83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."

 

84. Must not use military vehicles to “Squish” things.

 

87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

 

94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.

 

98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not “Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.”

 

99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.

 

100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.

 

102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".

 

113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from “Full Monty” every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".

 

114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.

 

116. Crucifying mice - bad idea.

 

131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.

 

137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.

 

138. Even if my commander did it.

 

163. Take that hat off

 

174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).

 

187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.

 

189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.

 

Now to the best of Skippys friends

 

15. Your rifle may not be set to stun.

 

17. At the grenade launcher range, do not yell "M-203, I choose you!"

 

31. Whenever the phrase "Is this ###### flammable?" is heard, RUN. 9 for 10, the source of that phrase already has their zippo burning and is finding out.

 

32. Advising the gate guard that you left your thermonuclear warhead in your other backpack is never a good idea

 

61. Never tell a military pilot "There’s not enough room to fly under that!", unless you want him to try.

 

62. Do not yell "Fire in the hole!" while your buddies are handling live ordinance, no matter how funny the look on their face.

 

68. Do not run up to refueling helicopters with a squeegee and a bucket, and ask for a dollar to wash their windows.

 

 

 

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

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1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working.

124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.

125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.

126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.

151. The proper way to report to my Commander is “Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir” not “You can't prove a thing!”

152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries

167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.

174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).

-this is true, its because it is a recording device. We were warned about them when they boomed in popularity.

187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.

205. Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")

87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a “Cool Mint” Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.

 

 

A few additional ones from my career that navy folk might understand.

 

Military Radio communications may not be used to take "food orders" for people on duty.

we came up with a code to get around this.

 

Nubs (New useless bodies) are not to be ductapped in their first week on the ship.

later my DIVO expanded on this rule with.. or the second week

 

Driving the Naval Station Norfolk CO's base vehicle to pick him up from the bar due to intoxication is something i should feel privliged to do, not an excuse to get pulled over and direct the police officer to "Look in the back".

 

Our right to have women in the barracks does not supercede the rules restricting the new female recruits in the A school from entering male barracks.

 

Using the excuse that "I didn't know" twice in a row for the same violations of rules doesn't work.

Telling the coucleing officer in said previous encounter that "it works if you don't have that rule in writting with my signature under it" does work.

 

"with all due respect sir" does not make an offensive remark ok to say.

 

involving ductape in a pipe repair process to stop a leak is ok,

including it in your SITREP is not.

 

The purpose of the Quarter deck Messanger of the Watch during after hours is to keep the CDO (command duty officer) informed of any emergencies, and to direct transfered military members to their proper locations of assignment, not to instruct member's

directions to every location that has been "Black Listed" by the base.

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"When at the firing range and suggested you switch fire mode of your weapon to full auto, do not reply that you are not a "rock and roll" listener and continue to fire in semiautomatic."

 

"Hummvees with a Browning M2HBMG mounted are not to be used as "convenient hanging locations for a solar shower" while parked in a motor pool next to a main base road"

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4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.

31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

 

32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.

 

35. Not allowed to sing “High Speed Dirt” by Megadeth during airborne operations. (“See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker”)

 

36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over).

 

37. Our medic is called “Sgt Larwasa”, not “Dr. Feelgood”.

 

38. Our supply Sgt is “Sgt Watkins” not “Sugar Daddy”.

 

39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.

 

65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.

 

66. There is no “Anti-Mime” campaign in Bosnia.

 

91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.

 

101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.

 

102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".

 

103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.

 

104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a “Cool Mint” Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.

 

105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.

 

106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.

 

129. The Microsoft ® “Dancing Paperclip” is not authorized to countermand any orders.

 

154. Shouldn't treat “######-bottles” with extra-strength icy hot. Funny band camp story about that

 

171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter.

 

172. “A full magazine and some privacy” is not the way to help a potential suicide.

 

173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.

 

174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).

 

175. We do not “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts”.

 

176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.

 

177. I am not to refer to a formation as “the boxy rectangle thingie”.

 

178. I am not “A lesbian trapped in a man's body”.

 

179. On Army documents, my race is not “Other”.

 

191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

 

192. The proper response to a briefing is not “That's what you think”.

 

196. I am not allowed to give tattoos.

 

As much as i hate 1337, LMAO. I almost Pis*ed my pants reading this. Yeah...almost...

 

A few of my own:

1) it is not a good idea to wrap yourself in a sheet, then run through camp with an AK yelling "Jihad!!"

2) no matter how much i want it, shaking your gun making laser noises doesn't actually shoot

3) An insanity plead is not as effective at a military base

4) A scope is not for looking into a women's sleeping quarters

5) A wheeled stretcher is not a race car

6) I am not allowed to sell my commanding officer to children

7) Yelling "take it off!" to the queen's daughter will not end well

8) Being out of ammo isn't an excuse to throw your gun at a bunker

9) Black Hawk Down is not an appropriate movie

10) any special called "the futility of war" or anything similar is not appripriate.

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