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"I've passed the bar, and I'm on a mission from God"


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A quick narrative. I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It is a '70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the prototypical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch your crotch and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires, tra la la la.


I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this assh*le, over aerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up.


Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance. She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you %$@ idiot." I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, "*beep*" at me again. Twice? *&%$# that. I turn around and drive up next to her.


"Do you have a problem?" I ask.


"Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?"


"I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly?"


"You were speeding. I watched you." "You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?" (Ever the interrogator, I am.)


"I heard you."


"So, you measured my speed by ear?"


"I can hear."


"How fast did you HEAR me going?"


"Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a cop. I'll wave him down."


THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding.


"What happened?" he asks. I told him the story, and told him that I accelerated to an indicated 30 mph (the speed limit is 50) to avoid a collision.


"Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks.


She's pushing it. I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them." I give the paperwork to the cop.


She tries to find another thing to screw me with. She says "What about those big tires? They CAN'T be legal. " I began feeling little overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn.


"These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429, " I told the cop, " Which makes them street legal as a replacement."


Ethel gets angry. She whines, "So you're not going to give out any tickets to this assh*le?"


The cop says, "No, I am not."


I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that she left the street at the corner, and then she met up with my car here. According to Title 19, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable offence."


"What?" The cop looks confused.


"Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A citizen can't detain someone without probable cause, under Terry v. Ohio (My new favorite case). Since she couldn't measure my speed, she had no probable cause to detain me. That is an indictable offence."


The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this."


"But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street."


The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he authorized the summonses.


She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth a total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate insurance surcharge!


Of course, if she demands a trial I won't prosecute. But the look on her face as she walked away was more than enough satisfaction for me.


Yeah, I've passed the bar, and I'm on a mission from God.




Granted, this probably is a myth/urban legend, but I lol'd anyways.

Not sure how old it is, but to my knowledge hasn't been posted yet.

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An officer of the court can demand someone's arrest? The little I know of American law would suggest otherwise although things may have changed since my internship there.


One can speak from the Bar in the course of proceedings to authenticate on oath of profession. That would be the extent of it to my understanding. Its similar here as it is for attorney's in the US in that respect.


That sounds somewhat implausible but an amusing story if nothing else. Perhaps I need a sense of humor bypass.


I have had experiences in the past where my profession has stood me in good stead. A while back I had a "gentleman" from TV licensing come to my door just as I was leaving for court one morning. He wanted to ensure I had no television and I told him that I did not. His response was that he had a legal power under PACE to come in and check. I told him that his pace power extended to ask a question and record an answer under caution anf that even if he were to be given powers of a constable under PACE he would sill require reasonable suspicion to get a warrant and then enter with said warrant.


The learned gentleman's response was "What makes you an expert"


To which I pulled out my Wig and Gown from my bag and said "perhaps my work clothes might indicate my expertise"


He has then invited to leave my doorstep and desist from harrasing me before someone with PACE powers was telephoned to arrest him.


I chuckled all the way to the County Court that morning :) For the record I had no television at the time





on me





it was in the house.....:)


Well he did ask if I had a television, I took that in the literal sense. Perhaps he should have formed his question in a more coherent fashion "Do you have a television in the house Sir?"

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Anyone can demand anything of anyone.


Doesn't mean they're going to get it, though.


Of course, I presumed that the bit about being an officer of the court meant that the person in question was an ADA or somesuch. Of course, I should know better than that, at least with the way it's worded.

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An officer of the court can demand someone's arrest? The little I know of American law would suggest otherwise although things may have changed since my internship there.


It was my understanding from the story that the individual asked that the woman be cited for a traffic infraction, not for her arrest.


As for an actual arrest, if he was simply a common citizen, depending on the state and the nature of the crime he could make a citizen's arrest, or as a prosecutor could possibly have asked for her to be detained as a suspect.

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