rocky164 Posted May 21, 2005 Report Share Posted May 21, 2005 Okay, I'm sure this has come up before, but it has died down again... pity. Stick your random jokes here please, any jokes so long as they're suitable for a PG-13 Forum. (If the Rep System comes back, rep-points will be awarded for any jokes that make me laugh, and i'm sure others will do the same.) Ta Link to post Share on other sites
rocky164 Posted May 21, 2005 Author Report Share Posted May 21, 2005 god you're all bloody useless here's some to get you started... The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?" The other old lady said, "It's a condom." "A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?" The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two men went into a very expensive restaurant, took out their sandwiches, and started eating them. It did not take long for the manager to arrive at the scene, mildly ###### off. He said "Hey! You can't eat you own sandwiched in here!" The pair looked at each other, swapped lunches, and carried on eating. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three elderly ladies were sitting on a bench at the bus stop, when an old man walked up and stopped infront of them, facing them in nothing but a long trench-coat. He threw the coat open. The first lady gasped and had a stroke. The second lady gasped, and she too had a stroke. The third lady couldn't reach so she didn't have a stroke. Hope you liked them, sorry for any that were appalling, help me out here. joe Link to post Share on other sites
Night_raven Posted May 22, 2005 Report Share Posted May 22, 2005 lol there good if a little long erm one sec while i dive into my archive of clean good jokes: ok here's a few (no offence to blonde's) what do u call a blonde with a brain? a golden retreiver blonde and a brunette jump off a building who hits the ground first? brunette, blonde has to stop and ask for directions. 3 men where standing outside a pharmacists when one of the men went into the pharmacists and asked if he sold condoms the pharmacist goes "yes we have a black one a blue one and a white one" the man goes "i'll have the white one" the second man goes in and buys the black one the third man goes in and buys the blue one 9 months later the men return and they go in and go "thanks to you i have a white baby" "thanks to you i have a black baby" "thanks to you i have a "fruitcage" smurf" thats my lot Night_raven Link to post Share on other sites
DrewLawson Posted May 22, 2005 Report Share Posted May 22, 2005 OK well I have tons of jokes Ive heard and most of them are racial humor so I wont tell them unless you ask. But heres one (not racial humor) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Arguing on the internet is like the Special Olympics, even if you win your still retarded. Link to post Share on other sites
DarkLite Posted May 22, 2005 Report Share Posted May 22, 2005 Confucious say: "Man who scratches *albartroth* often have dirty fingernails" Link to post Share on other sites
rhino Posted May 22, 2005 Report Share Posted May 22, 2005 2 cows in a field. One of 'em's got Mad Cows Disease. First cow goes "Moooo!" Second cow says "you T**t, i was gonna say that!" Link to post Share on other sites
nuclear_darkness Posted May 22, 2005 Report Share Posted May 22, 2005 (read this one out loud or you may not get it) A man goes into a restaurant and orders duck. The waiter tells the man that they don't serve duck. The man and the waiter argue for ages about not serving duck but the man insists he wants duck. Eventually the waiter says "ok say fish without the letter F" The main looks confused but obediently replies "ish" "Ok" says the waiter "now say duck without the letter F" The man looks very puzzled and replies "But there is no F in duck" Link to post Share on other sites
HaVoC Posted May 22, 2005 Report Share Posted May 22, 2005 Lol, not bad Link to post Share on other sites
rocky164 Posted May 22, 2005 Author Report Share Posted May 22, 2005 Lol, not bad <{POST_SNAPBACK}> hehe, i like that one, don't get rhinos though, thanks for you're jokes, i was beginning to think you're all bloody useless, now i'm sure Link to post Share on other sites
rhino Posted May 22, 2005 Report Share Posted May 22, 2005 Mine are "Nonsense" jokes here's one of my faves... Quasimodo walks into a pub. He says to the Landlord "I'll have a whiskey." Landlord says "Bells alright?" Quasimodo replies "Mind your own f***ing business!" Link to post Share on other sites
rhino Posted May 22, 2005 Report Share Posted May 22, 2005 Quasimodo comes home from work and finds Esmerelda in the kitchen with a Wok. "Are we having Chinese tonight?" he asks. Esmerelda replies, "No you daft sod... I'm ironing your shirt!" Quasimodo running down the street with a gang of kids chasing him. He finally stops, turns to the kids and shouts "I HAVEN'T GOT YOUR BLOODY BALL!!!!!" Link to post Share on other sites
DrewLawson Posted May 23, 2005 Report Share Posted May 23, 2005 well ok, while the mods arent lookin Link to post Share on other sites
HaVoC Posted May 23, 2005 Report Share Posted May 23, 2005 Uh oh... Link to post Share on other sites
Un_FriendlyFire Posted May 24, 2005 Report Share Posted May 24, 2005 A mans in a room with two girls and he asks them their names, The first daughter says "my names petal because when my mum was pregnant a petal fell on her belly so she named me that" The second daughter says "my names daisy because when my mum was pregnant with me a daisy fell on her belly" Moments later another girl hobbles in on crutches with deformed legs and the man asks "whats your name?" "Breeze Block" Link to post Share on other sites
thegunnut Posted May 24, 2005 Report Share Posted May 24, 2005 10 ways to ###### off your roommate 1: Go to the bathroom every 5 minutes. Flush the toilet 15 times. 2: Glue all his belongings to the ceiling 3: Hide a bag of chips and some snickers on the bottom of a garbage can. Dig them up whenever you get hungry. 4: Put porn mags under his bed. When his family comes to visit him, pretend to find them. 5: When he is about to fall asleep, ask him things like "have you ever wondered..". Be creative. 6: Kill spiders with awrench, while whistling Wagners "Flight of the Valkyries". 7: Wear a WWII gas mask. All the time. 8: One word: pigeon costume. 9: Develop a sudden passion for Pokemon. 10: Fake a heartattack. Often. Link to post Share on other sites
Kosac Posted May 24, 2005 Report Share Posted May 24, 2005 Right to ###### off my room mate i need to be a pokemon obsessed gas mask wearing pigeon with verbal and actual diarhea - lolish Link to post Share on other sites
thegunnut Posted May 24, 2005 Report Share Posted May 24, 2005 I certainly hope that you´re not referring to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Kosac Posted May 24, 2005 Report Share Posted May 24, 2005 no no not at all ( no sarcasm) Link to post Share on other sites
Vostok Posted May 24, 2005 Report Share Posted May 24, 2005 The elephant said to the naked man "Sure, it's cute, but can you breath through it?" ______________________________________________________________________ Whats the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits a wind shield? Its butt ______________________________________________________________________ A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to Britain from the South Atlantic island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given 2 pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?" Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sir!" General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds" Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!" General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds" Soldier 3: "The tip of me ###### to me balls, sir!" General: "That's a strange request, but drop your trousers, son! As the general begins the measurement: "My god, son, where are your balls?" Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sir!" ______________________________________________________________________ A man dies and finds himself in hell. Being that he's in hell, he is very depressed and spends his days moping about down by the lake of fire. I demon passing by sees this guy day after day, just moping. One day, he walks up to the guy and says, "Okay, what's the deal here? All I have ever seen tou do is sulk." "Well, " explains the man, "I'm here in hell. Whay should I be happy?" "Hell is a happening place, man!" the demon exclaims. "I mean, it's all going on here. For example, do you like to drink?" "Of course I do! That's no doubt part of why I'm here." "Well, you are going to LOVE Mondays. We all get together on the beach on the other side of the lake and me drink all day long... man, you should come, we have everything there... you'll get WASTED! You'll really love Mondays." "Well that doesn't sound bad..." says the man. "Wait, there's more. Do you smoke?" "sure..." "Great, 'cause on Tuesdays, we go over to the clubhouse and light it all up over some cards. Cubans, pipes, cigarettes... you can't see two inches through that smoke by the time we're done. You'll love Tuesdays" The man's spirits lift a little and he asks whant else goes on. "I thought you'd never aske. You like drugs? Yeah, of course you do... On Wednsdays, we go over to the caves and shoot up, smoke up, and snort up anything we can. You're gonna love it, get so high! You're gonna dig Wednsdays." "Wow," said the man, "this is great! You're right, this place is all right!" "Oh, there's more. Are you gay?" "Well of course not!" "Too bad. You're gonna hate Thursdays." _____________________________________________________________________ A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that's a good start". "Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a Ghost." The student replies, "Ghost?!? Oh! I thought you said `goats`." Link to post Share on other sites
HaVoC Posted May 24, 2005 Report Share Posted May 24, 2005 A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that's a good start". "Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a Ghost." The student replies, "Ghost?!? Oh! I thought you said `goats`." Link to post Share on other sites
Ghost_Rider Posted May 25, 2005 Report Share Posted May 25, 2005 An group of airsofters and a group of paintballers in the same town find that there is a pub about midway between the two sites, so they agree, in a spirit of cameraderie, that they should have a drinking competition. It gets about halfway through when a member of each party gets up to visit the mens room. After they've both urinated, the airsofter heads straight for the door. Seeing an oportuinty for a sly dig, the paintballer calls after him. "You know, at our site all the paintballers wash their hands after they ######." The airsofter turns and smiles. "Yeah, but airsofters aren't stupid enough to ###### on their hands." Link to post Share on other sites
DarkLite Posted May 25, 2005 Report Share Posted May 25, 2005 What's the differenc between a politian and a frog? One is a slimy, disgusting creature that everybody hates, and the other one eats flies. Link to post Share on other sites
thegunnut Posted May 25, 2005 Report Share Posted May 25, 2005 Whats the difference between a run over lawyer and a run over badger? There are brake marks in front of the badger. Link to post Share on other sites
rocky164 Posted May 25, 2005 Author Report Share Posted May 25, 2005 lol i like those. some baby jokes now, not for the pregnant mother. What goes red-silver-red-silver-red-silver-red-silver? A baby going through a bacon slicer! What sits in front of a mirror and gets smaller and smaller? A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler! What's blue and orange and cold and sits at the bottom of a swimming pool? A baby with burst armbands! keep em coming, Joe Link to post Share on other sites
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