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rocky164

Random Jokes

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One night in 1876, a British Colonialist is sitting at home in India when his wife comes running up.

 

"George Dear, come quickly, my mother's missing!"

 

So he grabs his rifle and they both go looking for her.

 

Eventually, they find his mother-in-law in a clearing with a tiger. The M-I-L is trapped.

 

The Colonialist just stands there, and his wife nudges him.

 

"For heaven's sakes, shoot the tiger!" Says she.

 

"No" says the husband, "The tiger got himself in this mess, he can get himself out."

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What's the differenc between a politian and a frog?

 

One is a slimy, disgusting creature that everybody hates, and the other one eats flies.

 

Politicians eat flies? :P

 

Continuing the baby jokes...

 

Q: How do you fit 100 babies into a bucket?

A: A Blender

 

 

Q: How do you get them back out?

A: Pringle 'Dippas'

 

Q: Why did the dead baby cross the road?

A: Its head was stapled to the chicken.

 

Ok, the last one's a bit sick, blame my brother.

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General Custer is in his fort when a tracker comes rushing towards him.

"Lots of indians coming!" he tells Custer.

"How many?" asks Custer.

The Tracker places his ear to the ground

"5000 warhorses!" he replies.

Custer looks on in amazement.

"Really? What else?"

The Tracker puts his ear back to the ground.

"4000 Apache's" he replies.

Custer shakes his head in disbelief.

"What else?" he urges.

The Tracker puts his ear to the ground again.

"9000 Cherokee!" comes the Trackers reply.

Custer is amazed and asks,

"How do you know this by putting your ear to the ground?"

The Tracker replies,

"I can see their feet under the gate!"

 

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

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rofl i like that one, keep em coming:

 

to all irish people... (me included) i apologise...

 

someone in a bar had a bit too much to drink, and he announced loudly:

"OK everyone, I got an Irish Joke for you."

A massive man next to him spoke: "You'd better not let me hear, 'cos I'm Irish."

To which the first man said: "Don't worry then, I'll explain it to you..."

 

:P

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Soldier 3: "The tip of me ###### to me balls, sir!" General: "That's a strange request, but drop your trousers, son! As the general begins the measurement: "My god, son, where are your balls?"

Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sir!"

 

OMFG ROFL LMFAO!

 

 

 

 

A couple had been married for several years when suddenly the wife decides she'd like to have breast implants.

 

The husband says, "Now, honey, you know we can't afford that kind of thing right now."

 

"But I see you looking at other women," pleaded his wife, "and I want to be as attractive as they are to you."

 

Days go by and the wife keeps insisting she needs breast implants, despite the protests of her husband. Finally, the husband has had it. So he says to his wife, "Honey, I have an idea. Every day, about twice a day, wad up some toilet paper, then rub it between your breasts. Repeat it 3 or 4 times each time."

 

"You think that'll make my breasts larger!?" asked his wife.

 

"Why not?" says the husband, "It worked on your *albatross*!"

 

 

 

 

A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he’s perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed.

 

“Son, there’s been a bit of a mix-up,” admits the surgeon. “I’m afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis.”

 

“What!” gasps the patient. “You mean I’ll never experience another erection?”

 

“Oh, you might,” the surgeon reassures him. “Just not yours.”

 

 

 

 

 

Mr. Cikoch was a biology instructor at a snobby suburban girl's junior college. During class one day he asked his student, "Miss Simison, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

 

Miss Simison gasped, and then said, "Mr. Cikoch, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this. "With that she sat down red-faced.

 

Mr. Cikoch then called on Miss Hakar and asked the same question. Miss Hakar, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

 

"Correct," said Mr. Cikoch. "And now, Miss Simison, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

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Did you know Helen Keller had a tree house?

 

Neither did she.

------------------------------------------------------------

 

My friend told me this one

 

Whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Cadillac?

 

I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.

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A man walks into a bar and sees a genie there. The genie says "I have granted everyone at this bar their one wish, so if you want, i will grant yours, just to be fair." So the man says "Alright. I wish for a million bucks." so the genie says "very well, but i must leave after this last wish, I have thing to do." POOF. suddenly a million ducks appear in the bar and the genie leaves. So the man turns to the guy next to him and says "I think that genie was kinda hard of hearing, he got my wish wrong, i wished for a million bucks and he gave me a million ducks." The man replies "I know", he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little man playing a piano, "What am i going to do with a 13 inch pianst?"

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You hear bout the dyslexic pimp? He bought a warehouse.

 

_____________________________________________________

 

A man marries a woman. But as he is a bit small "down there" so he uses a vibrator, and does it with the lights off.

 

They did this happily for 30 years, until 1 day the vibrator flicked into life. Instantly, the wife turns the lights on and is outraged.

 

"how could you lie to me all these years." she said. "i want an explanation"

 

To this he replies "I'll explain the toy, if you explain the kids"

 

__________________________________________________________

 

A man goes into a chemist, and asks for a packet of condoms.

 

"What size" asks the buxom female shop worker.

 

"umm....dunno," says the man. So she stick her hand down his trousers and says to the other shop owner "Pack of large"

 

The second man goes into a chemist, and asks for a packet of condoms.

 

"What size" asks the buxom female shop worker.

 

"umm....dunno," says the man. So she stick her hand down his trousers and says to the other shop owner "Pack of Medium"

 

Now the spotty teen sees this happen so he goes up and asks or a packet of condoms.

 

"What size" asks the buxom female shop worker.

 

"umm....dunno," says the man. So she stick her hand down his trousers and says to the other shop owner "Clean up on Aisle 4"

 

_________________________

 

Edit: for topical humour

 

Whats the difference between Buzz Aldrin and Micheal Jackson

 

Buzz was the 2nd man on the moon, and Jacko does things to little boys.

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Baby jokes seem fair enough, nothing extremely wqrong about them, they're just a little sick, so it's not really too shoking for a PG13 forum.

 

For all those who DIDN@T see Murphy's Law last week:

 

What do you get if you cross an Insomniac, an Agnostic, and a Dyslexic?

 

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a doG.

 

lol hope you like them, Joe

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Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

 

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try."

 

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house

 

 

Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

 

The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.

 

The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

 

1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.

 

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!”

 

The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples

 

 

 

An older man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along.

 

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

 

The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"

 

The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

 

 

 

Blond Joke- Apologies,

 

Quick Joke 1

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

 

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

 

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"

 

Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

 

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

 

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

 

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"

 

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

 

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

 

She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

 

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

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nice ones, though the blonde joke sucked more than a hungry ###### :P

still, +1 for the rest, just to get you going, also i'll scan through the others and give out reps for the good uns, as i promised

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A man goes into a rifle shop and asks for a 20x mag scope.

the sales man goes

"This is the best scope we have. It can see right into my house 3 miles away"

The man looks through and says "Err...buddy, i hate to tell you this but theres a naked man chasing a naked woman around your bedroom"

 

the shop owner has a look and goes "that b#$%h, im gonna kill her when i get home."

 

The man then goes "maybe i can help you, im a hitman, and i can do it for you, $5000 a shot"

SO the shop owner gives him a rifle and 2 bullets. "Rght, i want her shot through the mouth, and him shot in the b#£^%$ks"

 

The hitman, lines up the sights and waits. 10 minutes pass and he still hasnt fired. The shop owner goes "well....you gonna do it or not?"

 

The hitman goes "Shhhhhhhhh....i might be able to save you $5000"

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ok these are sick and mustnot be viewed by little kids.

(flame me if you find them offensive).

 

Q. whats worse then nailing 10 babys to a tree?.

 

A. nailing a baby to 10 tree's

 

i went into a chinese restaurant and got slapped real hard.

all i asked for was the cream of sumyung guy.

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ok these are sick and mustnot be viewed by little kids.

(flame me if you find them offensive).

 

Q. whats worse then nailing 10 babys to a tree?.

 

A. nailing a baby to 10 tree's

 

i went into a chinese restaurant and got slapped real hard.

all i asked for was the cream of sumyung guy.

 

aht.jpg

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*Disclaimer - Not exactly PG-13 so feel free to PM me if you want it removed*

 

A sexualy active man hears about a doctor who can diagnose any illness from a persons urine no matter what condition it is in. The doctor also has a competition on. If anyone can fool him they get free doctors treatment off him for a year. So he thinks hard and decides how to try and fool this guy.

 

he urinates into a jar knowing he has Tennis Elbow and thinking 'there's no way he can get Tennis elbow from this.'

But just to be sure He gets his 12 year old daughter, his playful dog and his wife to urinate into it as well. As a final measure he deposits some of his sperm into it.

 

He hands the guy the sample and tells him to wait for a call.

 

3 weeks later he gets a call to see the doctor. So he goes down and walks into the doctors office

 

"It was difficult but i worked it out in the end. Your Dog has Rabies, your wife has Syphilis, your daughter is pregnant and if you didn't keep w**king off you wouldn't have tennis elbow!"

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Did you know Helen Keller had a tree house?

 

Neither did she.

------------------------------------------------------------

 

My friend told me this one

 

Whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Cadillac?

 

I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.

 

vampire015sa.jpg

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*Disclaimer - Not exactly PG-13 so feel free to PM me if you want it removed*

 

A sexualy active man hears about a doctor who can diagnose any illness from a persons urine no matter what condition it is in. The doctor also has a competition on. If anyone can fool him they get free doctors treatment off him for a year. So he thinks hard and decides how to try and fool this guy.

 

he urinates into a jar knowing he has Tennis Elbow and thinking 'there's no way he can get Tennis elbow from this.'

But just to be sure He gets his 12 year old daughter, his playful dog and his wife to urinate into it as well. As a final measure he deposits some of his sperm into it.

 

He hands the guy the sample and tells him to wait for a call.

 

3 weeks later he gets a call to see the doctor. So he goes down and walks into the doctors office

 

"It was difficult but i worked it out in the end. Your Dog has Rabies, your wife has Syphilis, your daughter is pregnant and if you didn't keep w**king off you wouldn't have tennis elbow!"

 

 

teehee, i like it, and i don't suppose anyone below 13 would understand, but its wise to pm it to a mod first if you're ever unsure ;)

 

i don't get DresLawson's first joke: The Helen Kellr one... mainly cos i don't kow who whe is... and i found the baby/cadillac one frankly disturbing... :blink:

 

keep em coming, i like this thread (if i do say so myself)

 

Joe

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So do i get a +1 for that or not???

 

Helen Keller was both blind and deaf therfore probably was unaware of a tree house if she had one but i still don't get why it's supposed to be funny

 

Edit - I was incorrect first time round

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So do i get a +1 for that or not???

 

Helen Keller was both blind and deaf therfore probably was unaware of a tree house if she had one but i still don't get why it's supposed to be funny

 

Edit - I was incorrect first time round

aahh, that is definately a joke that you shouldn't tell on a forum

 

that is quite harsh, not great after your recent incidents eh Drew? :P

 

I do recall the story about Hellen Keller now, yes.

 

And oh alright, you do get a +1, indeedy

 

I have yet to receive any for mine tho...

 

humph :angry:

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