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rocky164

Random Jokes

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A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

 

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

 

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

 

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

 

 

12+

 

The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."

Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

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Brilliant but i got some blonde jokes for you all. Here goes

 

Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?

A: There's a fold-up bed in the Stock room and permanent smiles on the Bosses' faces

 

Q: How do you know when a blonde's been in your refridgerator?

A: There's lipstick on your cucumbers/courgette/zuchini.

 

Q: What did the blondes left leg say to her right?

A: As if they've ever met!

 

Q: Have you heard about the blonde virgin?

A: She hangs out with the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus

 

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and most men?

A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.

 

Q: In a Blonde's mind what is long and hard?

A: Grade 4.

 

She was so blonde that...

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

 

She managed to trip over my cordless phone.

 

On the bottom of the job application where it said 'Sign Here' she wrote 'Aquarias'.

 

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

 

She told me to meet her on the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".

 

She tried to place a bag of M&M's in alphabetical order.

 

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

 

She took a ruler to bed so she could see how long she slept.

 

When she got an AM radio, it took her 10 month to figure out she could use it at night.

 

She spent 25 minutes staring at the Orange juice box cos it said - "concentrate"

 

She got stabbed in a Shoot out.

 

She used to sit on the tv so she could watch the couch.

 

She thinks Eartha Kitt is a set of gardening tools.

 

When she saw the sign for YMCA she said: "LOOK, they've spelled MACY's wrong!!!"

 

If you offered her a Penny for her thoughts, you'd get change.

 

She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

 

She took a Spoon to the Super Bowl.

 

It takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.

 

She asked for a Price-check at the 'Everythings a Pound' store.

 

They had to burn her school down to get her outta 4th grade.

 

She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

 

When I was drowning in a lake and screaming out for a life saver she asked: "Grape or Cherry?"

 

She thought Meow Mix was a record for Cats.

 

She thought that Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.

 

Q: How do you get a blonde to stay in the shower all day?

A: Lend her your bottle of Shampoo that says "lather, rinse, repeat".

 

Q: What do you call a blonde on a University Campus?

A: A visitor

 

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?

A: To see what was on the other side.

 

Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words?

A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

 

Q: How do you drive a blonde Insane?

A: Hide her Hair Dryer.

 

Q: How do blonde braincells die?

A: alone.

 

Q: How do you know a blonde has robbed your house?

A: You notice the microwave is gone, but a note is there in it's place saying: "Thanks for the TV"

 

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?

A: You don't. They're born that way.

 

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?

A: 144 blondes

 

Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?

A: She fell out of the tree

 

That's it from me

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A ventriloquist is doing a tour around the bars of britain and he goes up for a gig in a pub. So as part of his routine he gets this little puppet to tell blonde jokes, hafway through this routine though a blonde woman stands up at the back and starts screaming "WHY DO MEN HAVE TO TELL THESE RETARDED JOKES! I AM MALIGNED AND HUMILIATED BECAUSE OF BLONDE JOKES AND MY QUALITY OF LIFE HAS SUFFERED ALL BECAUSE OF IDIOTS LIKE YOU!"...

theres a stunned silence and the man just stammers "I...im sorry about the effect of these jokes on"

"SHUT UP YOU IM TALKING TO THAT LITTLE ###### ON YOUR KNEE!"

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ok. A blonde, a brunette, and a red head go to the doctors office to see if they are pregnat. First, the brunette says, "I think I'm going to have a boy because I was on top." Then, the red head goes, "I think I'm going to have a girl beacuse I was on the bottom." The blonde starts the cry and the other girls ask her whats wrong. Then the blonde sobs, "I'm going to have puppies."

:P

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What are the two main similarities between a blonde and a washing machine?

 

You press a button to turn them on, and they both drip when they're f***ed.

 

 

 

:unsure:

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Ok, here's a personal favorite of mine.

 

A man's wife find him passed out on their living room floor, reeking of booze. The wife says to her husband,

 

"You were out drinking with women last night, weren't you?"

 

The husband, after wakig up, defends himself saying,

 

"No, I wasn't, darling! Please you have to believe me, I was just drinking like usual, but at this new pub called O'Bernies'."

 

His wife, still suspicious, asks him, "And how will I know you were at O'Bernies?"

 

"Call them up. They have a golden bar, golden barstools, and a golden toilet. Ask O'Bernie if that's true and he'll prove my innocence," the husband begs.

 

"Alright, then," his wife sighs as she dials the operator for O'Berinies'. Her call is transfered and a man picks up the phone.

 

"O'Bernies' Pub. What can I do for you?" the man asks.

 

"Yes, I wanted to confirm that my husband was at your pub last night. Tell me does your pub have a golden bar?"

 

"Yes it does," the man answers.

 

"Alright, does it have golden bartstools?"

 

"Yup."

 

"And does it have a golden toilet?"

 

The man on the phone was silent for a moment. Then he asked, "Who told you we have a golden toilet?"

 

"My husband said you had a golden toilet, why?"

 

The man was silent for a second, but was then heard yelling in the background "Hey, Phil! I think I found the guy that peed in your saxohphone last night!"

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A boy and his mum go to the zoo and walk past the elephant enclosure when the boy saw a rather rude object, the boy turns to his mum and goes "mum whats that?"

 

The mother turn around and replys "thats nothing son lets keep moving" so they did.

 

A week later the boy and his dad go to the zoo and again they walk past the elephant enclosure and the boy see's the same thing again,

so he asks his dad "whats that dad" and his dad replys "that son is a 24 inch penis", the boy looks puzzled at this and replys "but mummy said that was nothing" to which the father replied "yes son thats because your mother is spoilt".

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George best was in hospital when the docotor goes to him "George i have some good news and some bad news" to which George replys "well whats the bad news", the docotr says "well george you have 1 hour to live, however the good news is that its happy hour"

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Tony Blair and the Labour Cabinet are on their way to the Labour Party Conference when they are all killed in a terrible motorway pileup. In the afterlife, they find they have been sent to hell, where they are tortured for eternity in the firey pit.

 

This isn't a joke, but it always makes me smile.

 

:zorro:

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Tony Blair and the Labour Cabinet are on their way to the Labour Party Conference when they are all killed in a terrible motorway pileup. In the afterlife, they find they have been sent to hell, where they are tortured for eternity in the firey pit.

 

This isn't a joke, but it always makes me smile.

 

:zorro:

Lmao! Thats wonderful.

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Right.

 

A singer finally got his break by getting a gig at a new resteraunt. He packed his guitar and went away.

 

When he got backstage, the entertainment manager said "You're not a hypnotist are you, 'cos if you are you can just go now".

 

The singer is puzzled and says "Ummm...no, I'm a singer. Why don't you like hypnotists?".

 

The manager said "We had a hypnotist last week. He got twenty people hypnotized on stage, but he tripped over the microphone wire and said 'S**T' and we've been cleaning it up all week!"

 

:D

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There was a professor at a local university who was known for making rather obscene and scandalous comments. One day he said to his class, 'There is no God! He is a figment of our overactive imaginations! If he is all powerful, then he will strike me down in 15 minutes or less!' Well, the class sat there as time passed. Ten minutes were gone when a Marine, fresh from Iraq, stood up and walked calmly towards the professor. Without a word, he punched the professor in the face. People asked him why he did such a thing. The Marine turned and said, 'God was busy at the moment, so he sent me instead.'

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Whats the difference between an uzi and an accordion?

An uzi stops after 20 rounds!

 

Why did the raisin go out with the prune?

Because he couldnt find a date!

 

Hope this doesnt offend anyone im English too lol,

 

Sure signs your English,

 

You treat anyone foreign with suspicion.

you never leave home without an umbrella.

you havent been to the millenium dome.

on holiday in Spain, you search for a bar that serves roast beef.

you understant the rules of cricket.

you care about the rules of cricket.

you're still menatally at war with Germany, France, Scotland, the American colonies, the Danes, the Celts, the vikings, the Romans.

you think the weather is a more exciting topic of conversation than baseball.

you dont expect any form of public transport to run on time.

 

Baby jokes?!

 

definitions,

Baby- A loud noise at one end and no sense of resposibility at the other!

Feedback- the result when a baby doesnt appreciate the strained carrots!

 

thats it for now lol :rolleyes:

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Sure everyone knows how most of the world's greatest inventions were made in the Soviet Union by komrade Uspat Regoff. Due to a different alphabet, we write his name "US Pat Reg Off".

 

-Sale

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I'm sorry by any misunderstandment that the joke caused so i simply deleted

 

If you wanna hear it and you don't mind your religius believe PM to send it t you

Sorry if any problems were caused

 

El Rulfo

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Rulfo: I'm not gonna lie, I laughed at that one. Although I've heard the version where you just put them in the ashtray.

 

Still, posting that here isn't the smartest thing you can do. I'd edit the post if I were you.

 

-Sale

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