Jump to content

God forced to recall Humans


Stealthbomber

Recommended Posts

There was bad news for God this week as the well-known deity was forced to recall thousands of examples of His popular Human Being after reports that the model could be prone to unexpected attacks of unbelievable stupidity.

 

Initial reports of blithering idiocy emerged from the United States last year but these were thought to be isolated incidents caused by people who are so thick that if a floormat was touching their accelerator pedal would prefer to scream ‘Aaaaaaargh’ until they drove into a river rather than simply moving the mat backwards with their foot. However, it now seems the monumental stupidity is more widespread and may cause some Human Beings to decide that the best course of action in the event of being in a car with a throttle that won’t release is to telephone someone rather than to, for example, put the f**king car into neutral and bring it to a halt using the brakes as normal.

 

Jesus Christ, a member of the original God family, who now runs his Father’s business, is expected to make a full statement shortly. In the meantime, the Archbishop of Canterbury, a senior manager at God’s UK operation, has told reporters that there are almost certainly Human Beings here in Britain that will need to be examined for signs of being so sodding thick that they probably shouldn’t have a driving licence in the first place. “It’s too early to say how this might affect people in the UK,” Mr Canterbury is quoted as saying. “But we have every reason to believe that there are some Human Beings that may being so brain fartingly stupid that if the throttle in their car became stuck, they would never think simply to depress the clutch and coast to a halt”.

 

However, it is understood that God’s representatives in the UK are keen to manage any recall as quickly and efficiently as possible, thereby minimising the number of mithering suburban twits who ring in to the Jeremy Vine show on Radio 2 and witter on about how they’re too scared to drive their Yaris to such a blindingly crass degree that listeners eventually start to get a sense of what it would be like if the editor of the Daily Mail did a stool into a syringe and then used it to inject vile reactionary sh*t into their ears.

 

As God seeks to clarify the extent of the stupidity problem and establish how many Human Beings will need to be recalled, theologians have been assessing just what has caused the problem of quite extraordinarily thick behaviour in the first place. “I suspect the problem lies in the rather clever engineering God has given the Human Being,” noted Dr Peter Peter Cockandballs of St Gobain College, Oxford. “The modern Human Being is actually remarkably durable and reliable, capable of lasting well over 80 years, but among its clever systems is something called Cognitive Reasoning. Normally this works very well, but over time Human Beings get used to being spoon fed blindingly obvious information such as those signs on motorways that say ‘fog’, and eventually they can just give up trying to have any discernment or ability to think rationally. Basically, the Human Being becomes a stupid moron. Hence the popularly of ITV’s Loose Women”.

 

Taken from the latest Sniff Petrol. Possibly the funniest car-related website in the world.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey, wait a minute.

 

I take offence at that, I quite clearly remember being in a Frame Steer Dump Truck on a mountain track.

The truck then jammed of full power and the brakes failed and I went off a hairpin and was killed to death.

 

Hmmm, wait.

 

No, I remember, I put it in neutral and then dropped the skip and dragged it along until I was going slowly enough for it to be safe for me to crash into the side of the mountain.

 

When these reports first came out I did think: "man, that must be a pretty comprehensive problem for it to jam the car on full power, disable the foot brake and hand brake, jam the gearbox in gear (and if a manual, disable the clutch too) and prevent the key from killing the engine too.".

 

Then I remembered my friend's car.

Electric start/stop button, electric handbrake, fly by wire throttle and everything on the car controlled by a computer.

 

All that would have to happen is the brakes fail and everything else could be down to malicious programming.

 

 

Then I remembered that the reason I hate almost everybody (including myself from time to time) is that they are so stupid they make me want to chew off my own arm.

 

That is a much more likely reason than an evil sabotage conspiracy.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I have a confession to make here...

 

This did actually happen to me once.

 

I went to overtake a lorry, put my foot down in 3rd, went to change up into 4th and the engine bounced off the rev limiter.

Bearing in mind that I was on the wrong side of the road at the time, alongside a lorry, I had a split second of "WTF?" then I realised that the throttle pedal wasn't moving back up again and I moved the mat with my foot.

 

After that, I guess I can relate to the confusion. My first thought was that I didn't want my engine to over-rev and blow up (or crash into a lorry and die). Fortunately, I seem to possess the intrinsic deductive skills to move the mat out of the way when it happened. :D

Link to post
Share on other sites

Usually happens when you've got crusty old mats that take on their own shape after a while and bend up at the front.

Once that happens, if the mat moves around you can push down on the pedal and it'll end up trapped under the front edge of the mat.

 

Course, it won't happen if you buy a Porsche. They have floor-mounted accelerators.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Usually happens when you've got crusty old mats that take on their own shape after a while and bend up at the front.

Once that happens, if the mat moves around you can push down on the pedal and it'll end up trapped under the front edge of the mat.

 

Course, it won't happen if you buy a Porsche. They have floor-mounted accelerators.

 

I should hope that no one with the resources to buy a Porsche would be stupid enough not to understand how to work his clutch or parking brake...

 

Also, implying that the average Porsche driver doesn't have his foot to the floor most of the time anyways. :P

Link to post
Share on other sites
Fortunately, I seem to possess the intrinsic deductive skills to move the mat out of the way when it happened. :D

 

What you mean you have sufficient common sense to resolve this kind of issue??????? We are obviously a dying breed!!!

 

There does seem to be a mahoosive lean towards the "but it didn't do it for me!" mentality......

 

What is to become of us???????

Link to post
Share on other sites

even my wife understands the concept of the engine driving the gearbox which drives the wheels (eventually through all the other gubbings)

 

she also knows that if there is a break in the system between the engine and the wheels, the wheels are no longer powered.

 

if only somebody would manufacture a fail safe device into these machines....... i dunno...... what about a CLUTCH or even NEUTRAL GEAR.

 

common sense is a dying artform!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use and the use of session cookies.