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R22Master

Telemarketers

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My favourite is this:

Me: Hello (in my best home counties phone manner)

Them: Good afternoon, my name is Alan and I am calling on behalf of onetel. Can I speak to Mr. S****k please (people who used to live here).

Me: This is a government installation. Please remove this number from your call list now.

 

or my other favourite for when they have a name of the person they want to speak to

 

Me: Hello

Them: Good afternoon, my name is alan and I am calling on behalf of onetel. Can I speak to Mr. S******** please?

Me: He doesn't live here anymore

Them: Are you the home owner?

Me: He doesn't live here anymore

Them: Can I speak to the person who pays the bills please?

Me: He doesn't live here anymore

etc etc

 

My record is 17 of "He doesn't live here anymore".

 

Edit: One of my housemates has the ability to belch really loudly on demand. As soon as it's a telesales call he belches "No thank you" and put the phone down.

Alternatively you could just breathe heavily throughout their entire pitch. The game here is to keep them on the line as long as possible without buying anything or giving them any details, but keeping them hooked enough to feel really uncomfortable as they pitch to me.

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someone phoned my house whilst I was watching 24 on dvd once, and asked to speak to Mr Elijah Strain. he was in fact loking for my mum, Mrs Elizabeth Strachan.

a letter came in for my Gran recently from littlewoods and direct line insurance, asking her if she wanted to take out insurance on my Grandad. this was more than a month after Littlewoods had been sent my Grans Death certificate.

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One of the funniest ones i have ever heard done

was my friend got a call from a conservatorys salesmen

 

he put the phone on speaker phone so we could lissen, and he started to sound really interested, after about 20 minutes of discussing varius options he started to set up a sale and gave a fake address and then when it was all sorted for a man to come round the next day his last line before he hung up the phone was....

"cheers mate no problem you can't miss it, red door, eight floor,

impossible to miss"

 

it was so funny because he was on there so long and treated us really nicely (it was literally 25 minutes) and we do not think he realised that we were taking the ######.

 

The only one i have done was one called and luckily i was playing with my 100 decibel trips and after about thirty seconds i asked him in a really quiet voice

about what he was selling, so his ear was closer to the speaker then triggered my trip next to the phone it must of defened him for a bit. I mean that volume can seriously damage your hearing over long periods of time

 

Cheers

Pariah :sheep:

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The funniest one I have ever heard was when a windows company rang us up when we were at a mates and his parents had gone away. The guy on the other end just wouldn't quit until he put the phone down. So the next day we looked the company up in the yellow pages and rang them back and it went like this...

 

Salesman: hello 'companys name' windows, how can I help you.

 

Us: Yes hello you called yesterday and agreed to send a man round to give us a quote.

 

Salesman: yes, has there been a problem.

 

Us: well he's upstairs having sex with my dad

 

Salesman: *silence* ...What?

 

Us: well my dad opened the door and he just, sort of... jumped on him.

 

Then there was a ten second silence

 

Salesman: I'm sorry but all our sales personel have returned, goodbye.

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Once, a telemarketer called asking for my grandfather, whom had been deceased for about a year and a half at the time. I yelled really loudly, "C'MON GRANDMA, LET'S GO DIG GRANDPA OUT OF HIS GRAVE SO HE CAN ANSWER THE PHONE." Then in a normal tone, I put the phone back to my head and tell them, "He'll be right with you. I hope you have better luck at getting him to talk than the last person."

 

The lady said, "That's...uhh...okay. Can I speak to his wife?"

 

"Oh, she's busy getting the shovel."

 

"Is there anyone over 18 I can speak to there?"

 

"Yeah, me."

 

"...Nevermind." <hangs up>

 

I was laughing for quite some time.

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Once, a telemarketer called asking for my grandfather, whom had been deceased for about a year and a half at the time.  I yelled really loudly, "C'MON GRANDMA, LET'S GO DIG GRANDPA OUT OF HIS GRAVE SO HE CAN ANSWER THE PHONE."  Then in a normal tone, I put the phone back to my head and tell them, "He'll be right with you.  I hope you have better luck at getting him to talk than the last person."

 

The lady said, "That's...uhh...okay.  Can I speak to his wife?"

 

"Oh, she's busy getting the shovel."

 

"Is there anyone over 18 I can speak to there?"

 

"Yeah, me."

 

"...Nevermind." <hangs up>

 

I was laughing for quite some time.

Best. Response. Ever!

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lol pwned.

 

i've been having ever so much fun in hong kong.

i have to post in this thread because after studying a few years at uni, you do tend to pick up a few skills here and there. studying sports tourism management which for some reason teaches you marketing in leisure and hospitality fields as well. some basics of business etc.

 

cutting the story short, these GCSE students wanted to get a summer job, with hong kong's damn high competition with jobs, they're left with the *suitcasey* ones like a part time telemarketer spamming your phones.

it's gotten so bad they spam even mobiles (you get charged minutes for receiving calls too but no such things as phone bills in hong kong) sometimes with a computer recorded message.

 

so if i dont know the number, i'll just let it go to my customised answer message. i'm sure some of you might have heard it when i told you to call my milton keynes number.

 

this is self service pwnage.

 

record your own message something along the lines of:

hello? hey how's it going?

hello? i cant hear you can you speak up?

you're kinda breaking up now.

huh? sorry you gotta speak up, i could just bearly hear you.

*wait for 5 seconds*

*rub the microphone for a lil bit* (makes some weird noise i suppose)

hello? you keep cutting out.

*answer machine bleeps*

 

you'll usually hear someone screaming at the top of their voice. :D

 

i used to come home to listen to my messages to cheer myself up :)

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Pretend that you were calling them to sell them a product. If you're confident enough it completely throws people off and they're not sure what to say.

 

Or just breathe heavily down the phone. Add a few grunts and groans now and then just to emphasise.

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Why Heeeeelllo mr Wall-ace! We at Evershams Kitchens Direct wish to upgrade your kitchen now!

 

Me: I'm sorry, our kitchen was bombed by the Russki's in 1939 and we cook on a camping stove...

 

All riiiight Mr Wall-ace! We here can provide you with a top notch kitchen for your family!

 

Me: I don't have any family. I killed them, and I'm coming for you.

 

We *Errrrr* Can provide you with free mobile phones as well, you just have to sign onto this monthly contract!

 

Me: I've already got 103 mobile phones, what makes you think i need another?

 

But it is free! Mr Wall-ace!

 

Me: But you still have to pay for the Turkeys right?

 

*Dialtone*

 

That really happenned, those indain call centre blockes just can't pronounce Wallace can they?

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Just repeat everything they say back to them, including the accent if they have one.

 

Or hover your finger over the secrecy button and press it on and off intermittently as you're speaking so that you sound as if you're breaking up.

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Was once walking past a phone box (the old red kind) when the phone inside rings. I picked it up (stupid thing to do, I know) and answered. On the other end of the line a voice said

"Hello, this is Anglian windows and could we arrange for our representative to come out to discuss double glazing". They were NOT impressed when I told them to come round and gave them the address

"Yes, it's on the corner of ####### road, outside the post office."

"The post office on the corner of ####### road?"

"No - outside the post office, I'm homeless and I live in the phone box." For some reason they hung up.

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BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, we get ours free due to being near the airport and we get em calling every other day, i now have my amp rig'd up to my emac, now i play "static X-Get To The Gone" to them, or what ever works, i evin have a play list with song specualy for them :D

At my missus' place of work (tattoo & piercing studio) when they call she asks them to stay on hold and plays the Crazy Frog ringtone... that remix one that goes "Ringdingdingding F*CK OFF dadingding poch Daaah dah dah dah F*CK OFF".

 

They get the message.

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I used to just say "Im sorry you have got the wrong number, as then under the Data protection act they must remove your details from the list. Sad ive missed all these opportunities to mess about with them though. Can imagine it now

 

"Hello Mr blahblah, are you interested in taking out a mobile phone contract?" "Sorry i dont have a telephone, i dont see the point in owning any form of telephone, they are useless." "errr, ok"

 

Liked the one about the blood stained carpet. :D

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If you dont hang up it blocks there line so they wont be able to plague anyone else for a while :)

 

Or just answer it then roll the phone off the bed (so it sounds like you answered it by accident), place it on loudspeaker, then shout "OH FIDO YES! FIDO! OH MY GOD! YES!" (throw in a few barks and woofs here and there :) )

 

Usually they hang up the phone after this.

 

Or say "im in the middle of something hold on a minute" then make orgasm sounds down the phone :)

 

Or say "oh sorry i dialled the wrong number, sorry about that, BYE" that usually confuses them, a lot!

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It's best to say that you 'recently passed-away' and the family would prefer charity donations over flowers...

 

They tend to apologies and leave you to grieve.

 

:P

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I love telemarketers actually. They are a way to vent all the anger that builds up during school. One way to scare the **** out of them is to buy a blank pistol and a small window. While they are talking, ask them about there product, and right when theyre in the middle of describing something, smash the glass. Scream loudly and fire the blank pistol into the air (does NOT work well in apartments). Drop the phone onto the ground and then pick it up and hang up. I did that once (using my dad's blank-firing revolver) about 2 years ago, and I haven't gotten a telemarketer call since.

 

I will not be held liable if the cops show up at your house when you neighbor calls after hearing glass breaking, screams, and a pistol firing.

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He he he worth noting, this thread :D

 

I/we get insane numbers of indian chaps and lasses calling up regarding the apparent need they have to `speak to the managing director`, or `Mr Halsachey` (real name Halfacre: Pron. half-acre. Acre is an especially tricky word if your not English :D ) so we can spot them in a split second - bearing in mind we get lots of calls to `speak to Mr Halfacre` and they are the bread and butter of our business as they are usually people put onto us by satisfied customers.

 

So my old favourite is to feign extreme interest for about 15 seconds, until they get right into the meat of their pitch, then leave the phone next to my keyboard as I type.

 

This gets tedious after the 3rd or 4th call of the day - we get around 6-8 calls from India every day, week in, week out - so now I slip into sales autopilot and start selling them bricks, tiles, crash barriers, telegraph poles, whatever comes to mind without thinking.

 

They quickly catch on that I'm now pitching them and am a lot better at it than they are, get annoyed when I wont shut up, and hang up :D They still call, I still pitch them.

The bonus is that it sounds exactly like I am working hard to the rest of the office, and I can carry on surfing Arnies at the same time.

 

I must admit I was a salesperson myself once - I had to knock doors for a living and I was pretty damn good though I do say so, but on bad or boring days the funniest thing in the world to do is go up to a door, knock and wait for the occupant to answer then as soon as the door is opened throw up a hand palm-outwards and say `Not Interested!` in a loud and irritable voice and storm off down the driveway :D

 

Never answer their enquiring shouts though, just leave that street for someone else in your team ;)

 

I almost miss those days, in sadistic kind of way.

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a good one is start talking with them, this only works with cordless phones like i have, as your talking go to your room and get you GBB pistol. when your ready, shout 'who the hell are you?' fire the pistol twice near the phone, flop to the floor and sigh lowldy before hnaging up. i just never have it loaded when thay call :(

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