Jump to content

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

R22Master

Telemarketers

Recommended Posts

My uncle is quite lonely - he lives alone and is also pretty insane (in a good way).

He got a call from a telemarketer trying to sell him double glazing, and being alone and bored, he thought he'd entertain himself. The person asked would he like double glazing on his house. He replied "Oh yes, I'd LOVE double glazing thank you very much!" Probably a little shocked at this overly friendly response, the person continued: "And how many windows do you have on your house" "well.." he replied "It's a HUGE house, i think there are 12 large Georgian windows on the front.. and the same on the back".

"Oh right! Well would you like double glazing on all of them?" replied the now very excited i'm-gonna-get-a-big-bonus-outta-this-one telemarketer.

"I would indeed!" he gleefully responded.

A few moments of silence ensued, and the telemarketer returned to the line: "Right, well we can probably send someone out to give you a quote in say, a week?"

"A quote for what?" replied my uncle.

"well we send somebody out to look at your windows then tell you how much it's going to cost you" He replied.

"Cost me?" Replied my uncle. "Oh I see, so you ring me up offering me double glazing, then turn the tables and try and charge me for it! no thank you!"

And he hung up.

 

Might be worth a try. Depends how early on they mention the cost of course.

 

LLx

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

ive just been struck by another phone call by our favourite guys from india, 13mins 10 seconds conversation, i wish i knew how to recorded that.

 

I used the Al Pacino soundboard which as many of you may guess it contains a whole variety of swear words ranging from F's C' B's and A's. I must figure out a way to record it.

 

If any of you know how, please let me know.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This guy calls my house like once a month trying to sell me a kitchen, kitchens dirrect or something like that, I'm ganna wind him up big time next time he calls...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Here's my favorite i made up when someone called about impotency (I'm 15, do they really think i'm worried about that?)

in a marlon brando godfather voice say:

"Vinnie, you come around here asking me to buy a product i do not know. This shows me no respect. You come around pushing this bullsh*t again, i'll cut your penis clear off."

This got me a good 15 seconds of silence before he hung up.

Another one if there's a girl telemarketer calling.

*general telemarketer introduction*

Interrupt in the middle of their sentence and pretend they're your wife/girlfriend with:

"Oh, janet, I'm so horny i could just burst. We're gonna have some fun when you get home from work, you sexy beast."

I can guarantee they will hang up within 10 seconds of this response.

Another one for a girl telemarketer.

"Hi, i'm janet, and-"

"Janet, that's a pretty hot name. I love your voice. What are you doing after work?"

"Well, that's not really your business."

"I guess we'll have to do something about that. What's your number?"

"Sir, you really shouldn't ask about that sort of thing."

"Yeah, but that's what makes it so dirty. You like it dirty, don't you Janet?"

 

Trail on like that until they hang up, or they give in and you tell them you're 15 and threaten to call the police and call them a pedophile. It's bulletproof.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
IMPORTANT NOTE: No telemarketers were harmed in the making of this thread.

 

That's a shame... :D

 

I'm too nice to people, I know they're just doing a job... so I quietly put the receiver down and go into another room. For ten minutes. Only one person has lasted that long...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Glad to hear that my telemarketers guide is going down so well :)

 

I had another interesting one yesterday.

 

The conversation went thusly....

 

Telemarketer: Hello, do you have home insurance that covers everything you require?

 

Me: Actually no.

 

Telemarketer: Well we can cover your home from every conceivable threat and accident.

 

Me: Oh, that's good to hear. I manufacture dynamite and keep 3 tonnes of the stuff in my spare bedroom. I'm interested in taking out your cover.

 

Telemarketer: Dynamite?

 

Me: Yes. But I'm very safe - honest. My dog guards the stockpile and I only smoke cigarettes in that room no more than once a day.

 

Telemarketer: Dynaimite?

 

Me: YES - You got a problem with dynamite?

 

Telemarketer: That's an explosive isn't it?

 

Me: Well I suppose so. But I use it responsably.

 

Telemarketer: So you keep dynamite in your house?

 

Me: Yeah, but I only use it for tree-felling and lighting barbeques.

 

Telemarketer: Are you serious?

 

Me: Yeah, absolutely!

 

Telemarketer: <PAUSES> I'm sorry but you fall outside our company's cover.

 

Me: How come?

 

Telemarketer: Well it's an explosive!

 

Me: So you're prejudicial to rapidly expanding hydro-carbons then?

 

Telemarketer: eh?

 

Me: eh?

 

Telemarketer: Sorry, I'm not sure what you meant. What is "predicially expanding regi-carbons"?

 

Me: That makes no sense.

 

Telemarketer: What makes no sense?

 

Me: Apologies if this is above your head but what I actually mentioned was "rapidly expanding hydro-carbons".

 

Telemarketer: What has that got to do with the insurance plan we are offering?

 

Me: As I explained before, the VAST quantity of dynamite I have in my spare bedroom may lead to a rapidly expanding hydro-carbon scenario if the stockpile is introduced to a thermally inducive source. Is that a problem under your insurance terms?

 

Telemarketer: I think I'd better put you through to my supervisor.

 

<long wait>

 

Superviser: Hello, how can I help you.

 

Me: I'd like to know if a rapidly expanding hydro-carbon would be predjudicial to my taking out a policy with your company.

 

Superviser: In what sense?

 

Me: In the sense that I would be storing a potential source of HC emissions in my spare bedroom of the domicile where I make residence without an ignition source or any reactive or catalyctic source?

 

Suprviser: Ummmmmm.

 

Me: Is that ok?

 

Superviser: Yes, that sounds ok to me. Let me put you through to ***** again.

 

Me: Thank you.

 

<Phone clicks and whirrs as I am put back through to the bloke I was originally talking to (who for some reason now turns out to be a girl)>.

 

New female telemarketer: Hello?

 

Me: Hello.

 

New female telemarketer: Thank you for your patience.

 

Me: No problems. Glad to hear that my home is an acceptable insurance risk despite my explosive manufacturing plant.

 

New female telemarketer: Ummmm, yes. Well it looks like my superviser has approved the contract, so would you like to go ahead with the cover?

 

Me: OH MY GOD - THE FUSE IS LIT - COVER ME QUICKLY!!!!!

 

<I hang up dramatically>

 

(the final "gasp" of the telemarketer is worth the effort - trust me :D )

 

 

So can ANYONE explain to me why I am now on the blacklist for ALL double-glazing companies in the local area? I just can't figure it out - honestly :yu:

 

:P:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

"predicially expanding regi-carbons" - brilliant.

 

I recently "joined" the no-call list, and the level of telemarketer calls have since dropped dramatically. :busted_cop:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Glad to hear that my telemarketers guide is going down so well :)

 

I had another interesting one yesterday.

 

The conversation went thusly....

 

Telemarketer: Hello, do you have home insurance that covers everything you require?

 

Me: Actually no.

 

Telemarketer: Well we can cover your home from every conceivable threat and accident.

 

Me: Oh, that's good to hear.  I manufacture dynamite and keep 3 tonnes of the stuff in my spare bedroom.  I'm interested in taking out your cover.

 

Telemarketer: Dynamite?

 

Me: Yes.  But I'm very safe - honest.  My dog guards the stockpile and I only smoke cigarettes in that room no more than once a day.

 

Telemarketer: Dynaimite?

 

Me: YES - You got a problem with dynamite?

 

Telemarketer: That's an explosive isn't it?

 

Me: Well I suppose so.  But I use it responsably.

 

Telemarketer: So you keep dynamite in your house?

 

Me: Yeah, but I only use it for tree-felling and lighting barbeques.

 

Telemarketer: Are you serious?

 

Me: Yeah, absolutely!

 

Telemarketer: <PAUSES>  I'm sorry but you fall outside our company's cover.

 

Me: How come?

 

Telemarketer: Well it's an explosive!

 

Me: So you're prejudicial to rapidly expanding hydro-carbons then?

 

Telemarketer: eh?

 

Me: eh?

 

Telemarketer: Sorry, I'm not sure what you meant.  What is "predicially expanding regi-carbons"?

 

Me: That makes no sense.

 

Telemarketer: What makes no sense?

 

Me: Apologies if this is above your head but what I actually mentioned was "rapidly expanding hydro-carbons".

 

Telemarketer: What has that got to do with the insurance plan we are offering?

 

Me: As I explained before, the VAST quantity of dynamite I have in my spare bedroom may lead to a rapidly expanding hydro-carbon scenario if the stockpile is introduced to a thermally inducive source.  Is that a problem under your insurance terms?

 

Telemarketer: I think I'd better put you through to my supervisor.

 

<long wait>

 

Superviser: Hello, how can I help you.

 

Me: I'd like to know if a rapidly expanding hydro-carbon would be predjudicial to my taking out a policy with your company.

 

Superviser: In what sense?

 

Me: In the sense that I would be storing a potential source of HC emissions in my spare bedroom of the domicile where I make residence without an ignition source or any reactive or catalyctic source?

 

Suprviser: Ummmmmm.

 

Me: Is that ok?

 

Superviser: Yes, that sounds ok to me.  Let me put you through to ***** again.

 

Me: Thank you.

 

<Phone clicks and whirrs as I am put back through to the bloke I was originally talking to (who for some reason now turns out to be a girl)>.

 

New female telemarketer: Hello?

 

Me: Hello.

 

New female telemarketer: Thank you for your patience.

 

Me: No problems.  Glad to hear that my home is an acceptable insurance risk despite my explosive manufacturing plant.

 

New female telemarketer: Ummmm, yes.  Well it looks like my superviser has approved the contract, so would you like to go ahead with the cover?

 

Me: OH MY GOD - THE FUSE IS LIT - COVER ME QUICKLY!!!!!

 

<I hang up dramatically>

 

(the final "gasp" of the telemarketer is worth the effort - trust me :D )

So can ANYONE explain to me why I am now on the blacklist for ALL double-glazing companies in the local area?  I just can't figure it out - honestly :yu:

 

:P:

AHHHH HA HA HAH HAh HA HA HA AH HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cant HA stop AH HA laughing AH HA HA!!!

 

Here is mine:

 

Him (telemarketer): Hi, I would like to tell you about the great benefits of life insurance.

 

Me: Why?

 

Him: That is my job.

 

Me: Why?

 

Him: I applied for this job.

 

Me: Why?

 

Him: *Huffs* Because I need a job and money...

 

Me: Why?

 

Him: Sir, can I tell you about our benefits?

 

Me: No.

 

Him: But sir, for a meer...

 

Me: *cuts in* But why do you need a job and money?

 

Him: *hangs up*

 

Me: YES!!! Now, I would like to hear about your plans. LOL!!! *hangs up*

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
"predicially expanding regi-carbons" - brilliant.

 

I recently "joined" the no-call list, and the level of telemarketer calls have since dropped dramatically.  :busted_cop:

 

Well, yes. I too joined the UK's "no-call" list, but they still call me on a regular basis. Hence-forth why I now resort to even more dramatic measures to disued them from calling me. :)

 

I am plotting even more disturbing measures to disued future callers. I will post up with details of the calls as I receive them ;)

 

When will people learn the following...

  • 1. I don't read news-papers so am oblivious to advertizing therein,

2. If a road-side bill-board advertising attempt doesn't have scantilly clad breasts on it I won't notice it,

3. I have conditioned my brain to automatically "tune-out" TV commercials,

4. I will ALWAYS dismiss telemarketers over the telephone in an unusual and unconventional way (I've lost count of the number of innocent minds I have warped in such a way ;) )

If they're still trying to reach me then the question has to be - What on earth do they think I want to buy that I haven't already dismissed??????

 

Ad-Agencies - Go figure ;)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A recent one:

 

Telemarketer: Hello! My name is *omitted* and I am wondering about your interest in-

 

me: Wait, you were wondering? What are you, a stalker? Gonna come rape me in the middle of the night? Kill me in my sleep? HUH?

 

Telemarketer: Sir, I apologize for this misunderstanding. Now if you'll listen you'll see i'm selling a useful product.

 

Me: All right, i'll listen, you sick son of a *badgeress*, just for my own safety. I didn't spend 2 years in 'nam defending your freedom to be murdered in my own home, so go on, you ######.

 

Telemarketer: Okay then, I am selling a home sprinkler system for your lawn from *insert company name.*

 

ME: WHAT?! You bastards from *company*?! Your sprinklers killed my friend! A sprinkler went haywire and it killed him right in front of me. It's bad enough that you had to stalk me, but now you're killing my friends too?! he was all I had to live on, and you killed him!

 

Telemarketer: Sir, I'm so sorry, I-

 

Me: No, no more of your ###### excuses. I can't take this anymore. *goes into sobbing-like voice, grabs cap gun.* I can't live like this *says while sobbing, cocks cap gun next to phone.*

 

Telemarketer: Sir, you don't have to-

 

Me: No, i won't take it. Goodbye, cruel world, *fires cap gun and falls on floor, never hangs up.*

 

Telemarketer: Oh my god...OH MY GOD!!! *sobs*

Some will argue that this was a little cruel and unusual, but my friend who was standing there was laughing so hard he started crying, and was in stomach pain from laughing so hard.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I usually pull the chinese palace routine. HERRO? CHINESE PARASE! EGG DWOP SOUP TODAY HOT HOT HOT!!!ONRY 5.95 FOOURA QUART!!!! If they persist, ROOK BUDDY!< TAKE YOUSE OWDOW NOW OR ME CALL THE COPS, ME KNOW YOU HANGIN BACK O STORE PWANK CAWWING ME!!!CRAZY SONS OF *badgeress*!!! its fun!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think the next one who calls me at home is gonna get called a greasy, sleazy chatup, along the lines of "alwight treacle, hows about you tell me where you're calling me from and i can come meet you by the back door and slip my **** up your *** and.... *dialtone*

 

:D

 

I really can't be bothered to be very clever with these people, better to scare, sicken, or disgust them to be honest in the hope that they seek a proper job sometime soon.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Heres one of mine I just yelled random things

 

 

Me:Hello?

 

Telemaker:Hi, i am from ***** and we are selling..

 

Me:Eat sh*t

 

Telemaker:What?

 

Me: Oh so you wanna play it that way

 

Telemaker:umm sir

 

Me:Oh you sick bastrad

 

Telemaker:umm are you okay

 

Me: I am your father

 

Telemaker:Okay sir I am gonna hang up now

 

Me:No dont leave your my only frien...*hangs up*

 

Never called again

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My personal favorite.

 

Me: "Hello?"

 

Marketer: " Hello can I tell you about our benifits?"

 

Me: Sure.

 

*Marketer goes on for a few minutes*

 

Then you abruptly interupt him by screaming:"OH MY GOD!! THE CATS ON FIRE!!!

 

*Hangs up*

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have one that is really fun to use, this can be used on people doing surveys when you go shopping around christmas... you know the ones.

 

Caller "Hello, I want to sell/ask/beg/borrow/give you the good news etc"

You "I am sorry, but I dont speak any English"

Caller "You...erm...dont..."

You "Nope, not a word of english. Sorry!"

 

Just the bemusement on there voice/face... I love it.

 

Oh yea, and if you can do an English accent, its even better!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Used to work as a telemarketer and I admit is was a **** job and I hated it, it did pay well mind for the hours I did.

 

After a bit of time though I changed to a department that received calls through the night and for the couple of years that lasted was where the fun started. Anybody who called you up better behave themselves and be nice, if they put so much as a foot of line, or had a sarky manner they were fair game to be wound up to the highest level. You know, 'See how angry I can make this tw*t!' competitions.

 

Even when people called in with prank calls we generally got the better of them, unless they wait for you to answer, shout a rude word and hang up before you can reply, not much you can do about that really. Not very good either mind.

 

Unless they forget to with hold their number, then you can call back, apologise for the loss of connection and ask them what they want, they generally used to hang up again, so you keep calling them back until they talk to you.

 

One night we were getting prank calls all night from some lad walking back from a night out, he was calling from payphones and, using multimap you could track his progress, unfortunately for him he was interrupting our football and he wasn't far at all from where we were based so while one lad kept him on the phone, another set off to the box and give him a hiding while the 'advisor' acted all concerned. Now I dont condone violence but it stopped him calling back.

 

If I get telemarketing calls these days I just tell them I can't be bothered, apologise and hang up. Because I know of, but not necessarily used myself, some of the 'Revenge Tactics'. Booking people for repeat call backs when unasked for, taking peoples numbers home then calling them up with a withheld number over and over or just playing an entire episode of Keeping up Appearances (or some other rubbish) on their answer phone.

 

I remember speaking to one bloke whose name was Mr *albatross*, I tried to pronouce it Mr Ace, but he said;

 

(a bit paraphrased here)

"It says *albatross* doesn't it? Not Ace. Look mate, my surnames not *albatross* its Harvey (that might be wrong actually, it was years ago) but I had a go at one of your advisors and he changed my name to *albatross*, now I get letters and phone calls for Mr *albatross*, its not me. Please change it back, I've asked countless times and it's never been done."

 

Needless to say I left it as Mr *albatross*, to good to change :)

 

SERIOUS BIT

Some one at BT told me if you really want to stop these calls just ring 0845 0700707, its the telephone preference service and they'll add you to a non-callable list of numbers. Or call 0845 0700702 to stop faxes.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I tried to call a pizza place once and using a few of those things in that listing. This wasn't nessisarley a prank call, as we were going to actually order a pizza. Heres basicly what happened.

Me and some friends were hungrey, one of us suggested a pizza. We agreed and I called a local pizza place.

Person(?) - Hello, Figaros pizza may I take your order?

Me - Yeah, I would like a pizza.

? - What kind sir?

Me - Uh... a good one.

? - What topping do you want? (she sounded a little agitated)

Me - (REALLY fast) Mushrooms, pepperonni, swizz cheese, moldy cheese, (like 10 more diffrent kinds of cheese) no pepperonni, Cardboard, and another pizza with crust made of oranges and I want pineapple on the first one and (blah blah blah... can't remember the rest, it was long)

? - Can you please say stat a little slower, sir?

Me - Uh... Just put on mushrooms and hamburger... and please melt cheese on the box, I think it tastes good.

? - Ok? Hamburger with mushrooms and extra cheese on the box is that all?

Me - um... do you come with the pizza; you sound hot.

? - No, sorry I don't (she sounded really calm for some reason)

Me - um... do I know you (her voice started sounding familiar, this scared me)

? - Wait a second, is your name Devan, I think I do know you.

I HUNG UP!!! THAT SCARED THE ###### OUT OF ME!!!

I had forgotten one thing, one of the girls that I work with had a second job at Figaro's. She had answered the phone. I later found out that she had recognised my voice about halfway through, otherwise she would have hung up. We received our pizza still, and I had succeded in making my self feel realyl stupid. This is probably The most embarrasing momment I will ever have.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
A recent one:

 

Telemarketer: Hello! My name is *omitted* and I am wondering about your interest in-

 

me: Wait, you were wondering? What are you, a stalker? Gonna come rape me in the middle of the night? Kill me in my sleep? HUH?

 

Telemarketer: Sir, I apologize for this misunderstanding. Now if you'll listen you'll see i'm selling a useful product.

 

Me: All right, i'll listen, you sick son of a *badgeress*, just for my own safety. I didn't spend 2 years in 'nam defending your freedom to be murdered in my own home, so go on, you ######.

 

Telemarketer: Okay then, I am selling a home sprinkler system for your lawn from *insert company name.*

 

ME: WHAT?! You bastards from *company*?! Your sprinklers killed my friend! A sprinkler went haywire and it killed him right in front of me. It's bad enough that you had to stalk me, but now you're killing my friends too?! he was all I had to live on, and you killed him!

 

Telemarketer: Sir, I'm so sorry, I-

 

Me: No, no more of your ###### excuses. I can't take this anymore. *goes into sobbing-like voice, grabs cap gun.* I can't live like this *says while sobbing, cocks cap gun next to phone.*

 

Telemarketer: Sir, you don't have to-

 

Me: No, i won't take it. Goodbye, cruel world, *fires cap gun and falls on floor, never hangs up.*

 

Telemarketer: Oh my god...OH MY GOD!!! *sobs*

Some will argue that this was a little cruel and unusual, but my friend who was standing there was laughing so hard he started crying, and was in stomach pain from laughing so hard.

 

 

lol as funny as hell!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
i like the ones where they say you've won £100,000 and to claim it instantly, you have to send them a cheque for £55!!!

 

All you do here for these ones that come in the post is to reply saying you would love to take them up on the offer but the bank will charge you £20 for an instant withdrawl and wait for the cheque to arrive

 

I mainly get calls selling mobile phone contracts with a free handset. I usually try this

 

 

Them: ... and we will give you a free ***** handset

 

Me: so you will just give me a phone for free?

 

Them: yes, it comes with a contract with ******* which is just £20 a month

 

Me: hang on if I'm paying £20 a month them it's not free is it?

 

Them: yes it is your paying for the contract

 

Me: but I don't want the contract can you send me the phone without the contract?

 

Them: no

 

Me: why not?

 

Them: because thats the deal we are offering

 

cue the conversation going round and round in circles

 

I've had one arguing with me for about 5 min until he hung up with me just deliberately disagreeing with everything he said. He got that worked up before hanging up he said "if your going to be like that your not getting this f***ing phone"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thats pretty cool - if you can get people to say things that could get them fired then, hopefully, with a bit of luck some of them might get fired and go out and get real jobs :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

×

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use and the use of session cookies.