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R22Master

Telemarketers

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Tele: "Hello, I'm with ****** and I would like a few minutes of your time. Is Mrs. Smith (example name) present?"

 

Me, heavy breathing: "yes."

 

Tele: "Oh, may I speak with her?"

 

Me: "No"

 

Tele: "Well, are you an adult member of the household."

 

Me: "No" *muffled screams into shirt ball*

 

Tele: "Umm....sir, may I ask what you're doing?"

 

Me: "Raping Mrs. Smith."

 

*hangs up*

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Tele: "Hello, I'm with ****** and I would like a few minutes of your time. Is Mrs. Smith (example name) present?"

 

Me, heavy breathing: "yes."

 

Tele: "Oh, may I speak with her?"

 

Me: "No"

 

Tele: "Well, are you an adult member of the household."

 

Me: "No" *muffled screams into shirt ball*

 

Tele: "Umm....sir, may I ask what you're doing?"

 

Me: "Raping Mrs. Smith."

 

*hangs up*

 

That is brilliant! Now I almost wish more telemarketers would call...

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You guys are so evil!

 

These people are only trying to make a living! You know how utterly depressing it is when you get screams of "F*CK OFF AND DIE" down the phone 30 times a day? Or people obviously wasting your time when you could be earning commission?

 

One of my friends does it selling timeshare as a second job, way to pay her morgage. I've seen her come home in tears. Can we at least keep it light-hearted?

 

Saying "I have just raped the house-owner" isnt exactly pleasant to read.

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Yeah i live in the officers' mess on an RAF Station, one day a guy called up on my landline asking if I could replace any of the windows in my building, how many would I do? "Hmm, probably all of them" I replied, "They're all a bit ropey". he asked how many that was, "Well" says I, "let's see, about 60 odd I'd say" He goes on to give me the spiel and then says, "So are you interested?" "Absolutely," I say", I let him get all the way to the end of me signing up, just about to actually give him the payment details for their man to come and have a look (he's booked the survey dude by this time) and I say, "Oh it won't be me paying for them, It's an RAF Building you see, I'd need to get a special contract drawn up i suppose. On second thoughts it's probably a non-starter."

 

I could tell he really really wanted to swear!

 

Also, a colleague of mine, when confronted with a call centre from the Asian subcontinent, will usually spark off about "Oh where are you calling from?"

"Erm, India sir, but i want to talk to you about...", "Where in India? Becuase the wife and I love hot countries...would it be ok for a holiday do you think?" etc etc etc

 

FLY NAVY

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used this on a firends cellphone while driving to airsoft one day.

 

Her: Hello. I am with blablabla calling you about a speical vacation package.

Me: Mam this is Officer Tim Baker with the St Louis SWAT team. you just called a SWAT dispatch number.

Her: Oh god!

 

hung up within several miliseconds. hasnt called back yet.

 

my other fav. is to answer with "Guard Post 6, Staff Seargent Wolf (heh)"

 

if all else fails, pull the designated idiot play. start babling in random lanugages until they hang up (record is 4 languages for about 3 minutes. then she started cursing in spanish and hung up.)

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I had one call the other day that woke me up offering me a mobile phone contract and free phone. I said in a fairly aggitated tone "Thats great but I dont have any hands". Ive never heard a call centre operative apologise or be so worried that they had offended someone in their life. I had to hang up on the babbling idiot in the end, he didnt know what to say or do!

 

...I do have two hands by the way in the correct places by the way...

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My friend got a telemarketer and he was acting mean to him, then the telemarketer siad something like "you are so gay" , my friend acted like he was a homosexual and got the telemarketer to apolgize, at the end we asked for the manager, when he got the phone we immediatly hung up.

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You've gotta wonder if ANYONE ever buys stuff from Telemarketers. I sure never have...

 

My favourite gags are answering the phone in German or Russian; that always throws them off balance. I then proceed to yell at them in said language, just saying whatever but really loudly. Then if they're still on the line I go in a heavy accent "I vant 3 million dohlarz deeleveret to ze docks by morning, or I VILL KEEL HEEM! I SWEAR EET TO YOU I VILL KEEL HIM!" *click hang up*

 

The other one I do is act like I'm on a radio show, and pretend they've won stuff. "Hello, thank you for calling W1-10 the Rock, you're our 6th caller, you've won our free tickets to the Hurricane's game! What's you name?" And when tey answer they ussually say something like "Oh my God, I'm just a telemarketer" and then I go "Oh, that's too bad, I'm going to have to give these to someone else" *click hang up*

 

I havn't tried this one yet, but the next time I get a telemarketer, I'm going to try to sell them E.D. medicaltion. I'll say something like "Hey buddy, I work at a hospital, I can get you some cheap Cialis or Lavitria, you sound like you could use some with a voice like that... hehe, Oh you're a girl, I'm sorry, well would you like some morphine? I.V. fluid? We have some industrial strength rubbing alchohol, you want some of that?" and hopefully they'll hang up.

 

Sorry for the necropost, I thought this was a funny thread.

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The Badger answered to one once, they tried to sell him phone service (is it just The Badger, or is there something ironic about using a phone to sell phones?). He proceeded to demand that he be allowed to speak with Higgins. The guy on the other end informed The Badger that there was no-one named Higgins there, but The Badger knew better. He gave up asking and let the poor fool continue his speel, he even asked some informed questions such as how much the plan would cost and how he would cancel it should a better deal come along. The Badger then asked the telemarketer if he'd like it, utterly confusing him, The Badger then proceeded to repeat the speel back and asked the man again if he would be interested in switching his phone service. The foolish sap, now utterly confused, tried to explain that he was the one selling the product, but The Badger saw through his clever lies, and asked if the lady of the house was in, upon hearing that there was no lady of the house, he once again requested to speak with Higgins, at which point the guy hung up.

 

The Badger 1

Telemarketer 0

 

 

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Last year, when I could actually get some sleep in the morning, those feckers were calling early - 7 o clock, 8 o clock, something around that. Strangely, I can answer the phone while being half asleep, have a meaningful conversation, then crash back and not remember anything.

"Hello, we wanted to invite you to a presentation of eco-friendly wool pillows..."

"Nah, thank ya, goodbye."

(Mike goes back to sleep, mildly annoyed)

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I've actually been getting a bunch of political calls lately from various candidates, which is what prompted me to revive this thread. I was curious to see what other people did to telemarketers and such.

 

I've gotten two calls from each of the democrats and one from McCain, all of which I responded in nasty fashions. Just today I got one from Obama and as soon as the caller dropped the name I started yelling at her in German. I dunno what came over me, I asked her to run through the streets of Muenchen wearing a tea cup on her head while singing "Fuch du hast die Ganz gestohlen". She was very confused and asked if she could call back later, and I just told her I'd start speaking Russian if she called back again.

 

I got one from Hillary too. I asked the caller, a rather obese sounding male, to put Hillary on the line. He just stuttered and said something like "Well I'm sorry sir, I can't do that" to which I responded, "If she ain't gonna represent herself now, how's she going to represent ME when shes in the whitehouse?!". This naturally confused the poor man even further to the point where I'm amazed he stayed on the line. He responded with something like "Well sir that's not how it works, you see..." and I cut him off mid-sentance and shouted "If she's not going to call me personally, there's no way I'll personally go down to the polls and cast me vote personally for her". He hung up after that.

 

McCain was a fun one. I'm a conservative, but nobody escapes my anti-political/telemarketer madness. As soon as I picked up the phone a woman answered and asked me if I planned on voting for McCain because he was "strong on the war", to which I replied in a very heavy arabic accent "No, I will not vote for him, he wants to end my shot at those virgins!". The woman I think didn't hear waht I had said, and was like "excuse me?" to which I replied "My virgins! You know, 73 virgins? Well, Osama only offered me 72 but I knew he was low-balling me, so I asked for 73 and he handed over an AK. It was all great fun, although I think I could've asked for 74 and gotten away with it. WAIT, Are you one of my 73 virgins?!" and she hung up. Most fun I ever had on a political call.

 

I'm waiting for the one from Huckabee with much anticipation. Even though I support him, no one escapes my wrath!

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what I do is I speak to them in spanish, you only need to know about ten words, and the telemarketers never seem to catch on that you understand everything they are saying even though you are answering in spanish, Its alot of fun, helps practice forign language and the telemarkers usually hang up in about 30 seconds, if they start speaking the language you were playing with, BS your way through another language. It never gets old

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telemarketers are great if you really want to screw with thier heads just repeat everything back to them that they say but add the hanibal lecter noise to the end of each sentance (i dont know how to type it but you know what i mean)

 

or just turn on some porn really loud in the background if its a woman.

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I don't know about anyone else but on the rare occasion a telemarketer does call my house it is a prerecorded message, and I don't get to have any fun playing with the person calling. :unsure:

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one of these days one of these Telemarketers are gonna phone me up and all i'm gonna end up doing is screaming down the phone "RED SAUCE ON PAAAASSSSSTTTTAAAAAA!!!!!!" and then hang up ;)

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