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Things not to say to a cop

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20 Things Not To Say To A Cop



1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.


2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.


3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?


4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!


5. Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?


6. Sorry Officer, I was day dreaming.


7. Are we going to be on that TV show "COPS"?


8. Oh good, it just you. I thought it was that bounty hunter after me!


9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?


10. Do you know how stupid you look in that costume?


11. Look, I'm really in a hurry. I need to make it to the FBI building with this fertilizer and chemicals before it closes today.


12. Lets play "Cops & Robbers". I'm the Cop and your the Robber. Ok?


13. I pay your salary!


14. So, uh, you on the take, or what?


15. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!


16. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.


17. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around-that's how far ahead of me they are.


18. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.


19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.


20. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

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"I'll take a hamburger and a coke to go."


"Ya, I saw the stop sign, I just didn't see the cop."


"Actually, my ex-wife left me for a cop and I was afraid he was trying to give her back."

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10. "You facists always pick on us drunks."

9. "I’ll sit on your face if you promise to let me go."

8. "Oh, God. It’s about the murder, isn’t it?"

7. "Don’t look in the boot!"

6. "Well of course I was swerving across the road - I’ve had ten pints."

5. "B-b-f-f-b-f-*fruitcage*. F-f-*fruitcage* it. Wha’ wasch I schaying?"

4. "There’s a gun under my seat and I’m not afraid to use it."

3. "Do you want to have a race?"

2. "Okay, I’ll blow into the tube, but only if you do an impression of a duck."

1. "Crush! Kill! Maim!"


From Bubblegun's Top 10 Archive :D

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Officer: "You been drinking? Because your eyes look glassy."

Me: "I dunno. You been eating donuts? Because your eyes look glazed."


"I'm sorry. Can I back up to where the light was and try that all over again?"


"Yeah I'm drunk, and I say you're ugly. But at least tomorrow I'll be sober and you'll still be ugly." (paraphrased quote of Winston Churchill)


"Look, I've had a rough day failing at robbing two liquor stores. Can't you just give me a warning?"


"Look Papa Martinez basically owns your precinct. If you want, you can take it up with him personally."


"I didn't know pigs could drive that damn fast."


"Hey! Can I have some of that chalk you guys use to outline bodies?"


"Did I know what I was doing? Of course I did. I have a 20-year education. I graduated from 10th Grade...twice."


"If you want to frisk me, I should warn you that I have a button under my clothes somewhere that'll blow me up if you press it."


And finally:


"Shouldn't you be off beating a black guy for no apparent reason?" (sorry, couldn't resist!)

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I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.


That's acutally OK in some states... :P




Hey, you look like that girl I f***** a few days ago...


Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?


When you smack the ###### outta me, make sure you smile for the video camcorder.


Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.


So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?


I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket


Bad Cop! No Donut!


Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow


Didn't I see you get your *albatross* kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?


Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.


You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.


I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!


Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?


How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.


Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!


You'll never get those cuffs on me...You *beep*!


On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.


I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!


I only had one officer Mr. Keg..


Back off Barney, I've got a piece.


Want to race to the station, Sparky?



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Things I've actually said to a cop:


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Mommy didn't hug you enough?


Cop: License and registration, sir.

Me: How about you get the registration, it's in the glovebox under my .45 and I don't think you want me reaching in there.


Cop: I'm going to make sure you never touch a gun again.

Me: I'm going to make sure you never wear a badge again! (false arrest, I'm planning to sue the department)


Cop: Why are you carrying a gun, sir?

Me: Because I'm licensed to, it's my right, and I live in a rough neighborhood. Why are you carrying a gun?


Cop: I noticed you swerving back there.

Me: I was trying to dodge a bump in the road.

Cop: I know what you mean, this road gets pretty rough when you're doing double the speed limit.

Me: uh... yeah.

Cop: So why were you going that fast?

Me: Because I didn't see you behind me.

Cop: Oh.... OK.


Cop: Since you were all smoking it, you're all under arrest.

Me: I didn't smoke it! I swear I'm just really drunk!

Cop: Wow. Please stop talking. For your own good.


Cop (to partner): *walks toward car to run my .45's serial numbers* This guy had a gun! (very condescending "we've got you know" voice)

Me: You only know that 'cause I told you! You want a *fruitcage*-ing cookie?!




So those are some of my stories... They're not that exciting. Some make them look bad, some make me look bad, but I thought I'd share them.




BTW: I may sound like a total ######, but I assure you I am regularly a very nice and friendly person, who respects law enforcement. It just really really ###### me off when I am treated like a criminal just because I legally carry a weapon.

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I think the worst thing to do with any police officer who has a sidearm is to stare at his belt holster for the entire time he talks to you, and take ages to respond to anything.


Wearing an NRA oriented tshirt would just help for the effect.

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Interupt the officer's lecture (they like to lecture) to let him know he has pretty eyes.


Ask him very un-nerving questions about his weapon (how long does it take you to draw that? How does your holster work?) and take notes on his answers.

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I like the roadrunner one the best. "Meep Meep!"


"Look! A huge distracting thing!" *then floor it when he looks*


What not to say to a female officer:


"Seaing a woman in uniform just make me HOT..."


"Oh, whew. I was afraid I'd have to deal with a tough kind of cop."


"Shouldn't you be in the kitchen right now?"


"How's this, I'll swap my license and number with yours and you can call me to tell me how sh-tty I was driving."


"So if a male cop is a pig, does that make you a sow?"


"Hey, while you're doing the strip search on me back at the station, I'll be doing a strip search on you...in my mind."


"Must be desparate for the attention of the opposite sex if you're working at a policed department."


"Hey, is it true what they say about female cops and their night-sticks?"

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