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My eye! Sweet Jesus, Ouch!


Sledge

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Looks like we overlooked a massive cluster*fruitcage* caused by Brussels for over a year. And my *albatross* is gonna get grilled because I don't complain.

 

Maybe I should take that job offer in Stockholm. I have no idea what "you just need to barely speak English or Swedish" entails, but I need to either hug or murder someone, or just torch everything and run.

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My neighbours have been away for a week so far.. nothing wrong with that in itself but their fire alarm battery seems to have run low and it's doing that annoying "im low on battery" beep every minute or so. Their alarm is right by their front door which is right next to our bedroom window. It's driving me and Mrs G insane, i slept in the living room last night! I've text the landlord to see if he will go in and sort it as he lives a few doors up but nothing.

 

PLEASE COME HOME SOON!!!!!!!

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Delta.

 

Destroy it, I have done the same before with a car alarm.  I am sure there is some kind of law against that kind of noise pollution.

Anyway, get a ladder and a hammer and fix the problem.

 

 

Right, Stunt's Britain.

 

In my benevolent dictatorship there will be no people against any walls.

This is a radical liberal state and shooting people is a waste of bullets and slave labour.

 

Solicitors would be an interesting one.

 

I would probably do the same as with lawyers.

 

One case gets one solicitor.  There are not on anyone's side, they only exist to make sure the task is done quickly and within the law.

If you are buying or selling a house one solicitor is responsible for the whole thing.

If they complete outside of a "par time" they will be professionally audited.

 

Any people who would go against a wall in a conventional dictatorship would be either shipped out to a Chinese/Congolese/Zimbabwean/Russian prison for 20 years or put to work on the chain gangs cleaning up rubbish from the sides of roads.

 

But yes, I will need advisors.  Although since it is a dictatorship there won't be a "cabinet" as such.

 

Also, we would be shifting the whole country to UTC because *fruitcage* changing the clocks all the time.

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As long as we get to wear hilariously oversized hats and are required to follow you around scribbling furiously in our notepads to make sure we catch all your wisdom you dish out on a daily basis, I'm in.

 

Also, I've often thought we should contract our inmates to prisons in somewhere like China.  They've got to be doing it for pennies on the pound compared to our £40K/£50K year per prisoner or whatever ludicrous number it costs us over here.

 

Saves money and a proper deterrent.  Win, win.

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As long as we get to wear hilariously oversized hats and are required to follow you around scribbling furiously in our notepads to make sure we catch all your wisdom you dish out on a daily basis, I'm in.

 

Also, I've often thought we should contract our inmates to prisons in somewhere like China.  They've got to be doing it for pennies on the pound compared to our £40K/£50K year per prisoner or whatever ludicrous number it costs us over here.

 

Saves money and a proper deterrent.  Win, win.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THEIR HUMAN RIGHTS?

 

Eau de humanity...

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Were I emperor, the very first thing I would do is make a law requiring all pavements to be split into a 'slow lane' next to the shops/buildings and a 'fast lane' next to the curb.

Anyone in the 'fast lane' who stops without good reason for more than 10 seconds would be shot immediately in the head arrested and sent to prison for 3 months.

 

The second thing I would do is pass a law making the Daily Mail, the Sun, the Express and all of their subsidiaries/localised variations use only Comic Sans in bright pink with glitter, with one of those things they put in birthday cards that play music when you open the blasted thing.

Except, instead of music, it constantly plays the 'I love willies' song from the IT Crowd.

Also, I'd fire Rupert Murdoch into the sun, using a super-large cannon which I would commission, creating a massive demand for jobs.

Also also, as part of welfare reform, I would instigate a tea and biscuit allowance to be paid out to all citizens. You would have the choice between Digestives, Hobnobs or Rich Tea.

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If you don't like tea, you'll get randomly selected for an interrogation then on an unrelated matter, get shipped off to a Chinese prison and your tea and biscuits allowance will be diverted to the advisory panel's Christmas party fund.  

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Say what tink??

 

Stunt.. the alarm is inside.. I would need to smash the door down first.. So more destruction.. Seriously considering it. I just got back from my shift and the beep is still going.. I have a sledge hammer at my parents, if its still going on tomorrow things could escalate. 

 

Also, count me in as an advisor if you have space.. your *suitcase* needs to get done. ASAP. 

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