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'The Mustache Manifesto' by Dmitri Kalashnikov

Dmitri Kalashnikov

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"Give me a man that has a bald face and no self-respect, and I'll give you that man with a mustache and more self-worth than the Kaizer."


-The Baron


The Mustache Manifesto


A terrible wave of poor taste is flooding the realm of male styles and fashions of the world; a wave of baby faces both smooth and (God help us) clean-shaven! I speak of the wave of the clean-cut look and all its bald and naked grotesqueness, which now deteriorates fashion for the male gender in all entireties. Not long before our grandparent’s time, the noble and beautiful face fungi made their homes on the lips of many men, bringing class and manliness to all corners of the modern world. But now, in these days of the wretched clean-cut look, mankind has fallen into a wallow of naked faces devoid of panache and character, bumbling along in the impatience of an easy way out of dealing with what makes us so special as men.


Studies have shown that the mustache of the modern world has its roots of being domesticated during the Stone Age some 100,000 years ago as a member of the beard family. It wasn’t until the early days of documented history that the common mustache became a separate and tamed beast of pride for men. Many believe that the origin of Mustache domesticus lay in the cultures of ancient China, where the Asian peoples themselves naturally grew the majestic lip cover, now known as Mustache orientus, to make the hairy creation separate from the unruly and (often times) dangerously wild beard. As popular as the style of the Asian mustache was, it wasn’t until the Medieval Ages of Europe that the new species, Mustache barbarus, came into existence through constant grooming. The Barbarian Mustache came generally from the Ghotee family through the shaving of chin and jaw-line hairs. Such constant maintenance made M. barbarus a highly respected mustache to all of those who followed its wearers (namely chieftains and kings). In a matter of a few hundred years, numerous sub-species and even new species arose during the Renaissance, providing a thriving environment for the majestic mustache to live in.


However, during the rise of ‘civilized’ living during the middle to late 1600s, the mustache soon became subject to a near mass-extinction through the gruesome institution of shavery. Those that remained were forced to live in the less urbanized areas, creating the image of the mustache being a peasant-like and useless adornment for one’s face. However, during the early 1800s, the mustache soon took root in the Victorian society once more as a sign of prominence and dignity. With the ever-expanding European empires, the mustache ascended to a sign of social status and even virility. It was during this golden age of the face fungi that new breeds of mustache rose to existence. From the curled and sophisticated handlebar (M. kaizer) mustaches, to thick and proud ‘fuzzy caterpillars’ (M. eruca), to the reintroduction of a well-kempt version of the Barbarian Mustache (M. barbarus-urbanus), the mustache became the grandest of all facial features for men young and old. Even during the Great War, many brave men continued to proudly wear their lip hairs long and bushy, that is, until the staunch conservatism of the 1940s and 50s brought in the dreaded clean-cut look that now swarms the modern and civilized world today.


But why wear a mustache? They are, after all, an annoyance to maintain, make us look older than our true age, and are not in the least bit stylish anymore, right?




The mighty mustache is a sacred and handsome feature that gives a man character in his bourgeoning adulthood. Consider this, the man that keeps a mustache, trimming it to perfection, and dressing modestly/orderly has at least twice the charming appearance as a man without such a facial growth. Why, you may wonder? This is because the mustache is a sign of grooming that shows that a man keeps his face rugged, yet civilized. Look at any great figure in history who has ever worn a true mustache; notice anything they all have in common? That characteristic they all share, tyrant and theorist, banker to president, is a pride and self-worth. To put it justly, a man’s mustache is his very strength of boldness and brevity, his outward sign to non-verbally tell the world,


‘I am a man; and God damn it, I’m proud to wear my lip hairs long and thick!’


Such a becoming statement just from not shaving one area of your face, is it not? And what’s more, the mustache gives even the grumpiest looking man a distinguish look while still keeping a humble/common-touch. The longer and thicker the face fungus, the more individualist and even idealistic a man can be; his mighty handlebars like two dark wings to give him a lift to the appearance of a dignified man who knows his place in the world. Any fool can shave his face clean and commonly bald…but it takes a true man to have the patience and skill to leave only that one part of his face alone to grow and prosper into the majesty of facial hairs. Speaking from experience, there is nothing better to see after taking a hot shower than your face in the mirror, staring back at you with a proud and noble mustache of pride and self-worth. Nothing can bring joy to your life like seeing a man just like you in the looking glass with the prominent upper lip covering, and saying back to him,


‘Mm-MM! You are one handsome devil!’


And what of current styles? What of the current style of having the bald face of trite bareness? Rebel, brothers! Let the face fur fly and shock the old fuddy-duddies. Let them cower before your visage of confidence and rugged good looks. What of the ladies, though? Many will deny it, but women adore older-looking men, and the mustache is a perfect way to get that adoration from the opposite sex. The versatile mustache also functions as another more…pleasurable feature in relations with women (need I say more?). A man appears more dominant and more assertive with a mustache, so don’t be afraid to let your facial feature give others a reason to respect or even fear you. Rejoice as you wear your mustache with pride, showing the world that you are who you want to be, even if the other bald-faced imbeciles are too blind to see the glory that is the mustache!


Mustached of the world, don’t shave!

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