DirtyMoFo Posted March 14, 2006 Report Share Posted March 14, 2006 ok guys post up random jokes here! i have a couple: Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin, how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise'sdoor, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! Great to see you!You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"Although impressed, Colin's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name! anyone else," Colin says."President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says,"I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony, and the man next to me said, "Who the f**ks that on the balcony with Colin?" -------------- 2 blondes walked into a building, you'd have thaught one of them would have seen it... -------------- top tips for life: If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. Always go to the toilet at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper,but you'll also be getting paid for it. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower. Pet shop owners, when designing the layout of your store, position the slower moving animals nearer the exit thus maximising survival rates in the event of a fire. Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak. Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, and then read the rest in random order. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof. Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one. A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep. Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree. Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner. A next door neighbor's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency. AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket. DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive. OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know. DM Link to post Share on other sites
Nickel0001 Posted March 14, 2006 Report Share Posted March 14, 2006 Loved the top tips for life. Link to post Share on other sites
DirtyMoFo Posted March 15, 2006 Author Report Share Posted March 15, 2006 Loved the top tips for life. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> good stuff! someone has to have more jokes! c'mon people! Link to post Share on other sites
Sam1626 Posted March 15, 2006 Report Share Posted March 15, 2006 Only can think of one or two: Q.What doyou call a Frenchman wearing Sandals? A.Phillipe Flop! An Irishman is stranded on a deserted island and suddenly finds a magic lamp half buried in the ground. Giving it a rub the Genie comes out and says in a deep booming voice " I am the Genie of the lamp, I shall give thee 3 wishes" [uses rubbish accent] "Thank you very much" says the Irishman "For my first wish I want a bottle of Guiness that never runs out" " Thy will Be Done" says the genie,and lo and behold the bottle appear's. Grinning the Irishman sets off into a secluded area with his bottle. Several hours later the Genie finds the Irishman in the same place and asks bemused "What about the other 2 wishes?" "Wha-?" replies the Irishman "Oh yeah, I'll have 2 more of these please" Link to post Share on other sites
PariahWolf Posted March 15, 2006 Report Share Posted March 15, 2006 What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a porsche? I don't keep a porsche in my garage. Link to post Share on other sites
blade3 Posted March 15, 2006 Report Share Posted March 15, 2006 got a bit of a boring one but why was the blonde staring at the carton of orange juice? because it said "concentrate"!!!!! lol i always love that one and if you dont get that look at a cartonof orange juice Link to post Share on other sites
ianhaz Posted March 15, 2006 Report Share Posted March 15, 2006 Ok this one is a bit lame and you will have all heard it before but.... "2 criminals walk into a building....it serves them right for being criminals" LOL(not) Link to post Share on other sites
DirtyMoFo Posted March 15, 2006 Author Report Share Posted March 15, 2006 lol, theyre all funny guys! i got a couple more... quite disturbing ones... whats pink and red and screams----->a skinned baby in a bag of salt whats pink and red and cant turn around in corridoors-------> a baby with a javelin through its head whats blue and orange and lies at the bottom of a swimming pool---->a baby with burst armbands whats green and orange and lies at the bottom of a swimming pool-----> the same baby a week later this one is funny i reckon: an irishman is at the bar and is totaly drunk, he says to the barman 'another whiiishky pleashe barman' the barman says 'i tink youve had enough ted, why dont you go home and se your beautiful wife?' ted says 'ok ill do that...' he pull himself up, and stands up streight, then falls flat on his face 'oh dear oh dear, ive had an absolute skinfull' says ted the barman says 'dya want a hand there ted?' ted says 'no dont worry about it ill be fine!' he crawls over to the door, holds onto the frame... pulls himself up, and falls flat on his face... 'oh dear oh dear' says ted, 'oh well, ill just crawl home' so ted crawls home, and as he gets to the gate to his house says 'ok im gunna try this one again...' he pulls himself up streight, takes a step, and he falls flat on his face again.. 'oh dear oh dear, i have had an absolute skinfull' says ted... he pushes open the door, and crawls up stairs.. in the morning, his beautiful wife wakes him up as he lies on the floor and says 'are you ok ted? the barman called and said you left your weelchair at the bar...' Link to post Share on other sites
DirtyMoFo Posted March 15, 2006 Author Report Share Posted March 15, 2006 a duck walks into a bar, goes up to the barman and says: 'got any bread?' barman: 'no' duck:'got any bread?' barman:'no' duck:'got any bread?' barman:'no, we dont have any bread' duck:'got any bread?' barman:'no we havnt got any *fruitcage*ing bread, if you ask that once more i will nail your bas**rding beak to the *fruitcage*ing bar! duck:'got any nails?' barman:'no' duck:'got any bread?' DM Link to post Share on other sites
PariahWolf Posted March 15, 2006 Report Share Posted March 15, 2006 How do you get 50 babies into a cup? A Blender. How do you get them out again? A straw. What worse than 10 babies in a bin? 1 baby in 10 bins. What's the difference between a truck load of babies and a truck load of pees? You can't unload a truck full of pees with a pitch fork. Link to post Share on other sites
Vicks Posted March 15, 2006 Report Share Posted March 15, 2006 "What do you call postman pat when he's retired? Pat, fools" And slightly controversial one: "whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? A picture only takes 1 nail to put up" Apologizes to any one strongly religious people but don't blame me, blame the romans Link to post Share on other sites
blade3 Posted March 16, 2006 Report Share Posted March 16, 2006 LMAO vicks lol the jesus one is gr8 +1 and +1 for dirtymofo nice topic Link to post Share on other sites
DirtyMoFo Posted March 16, 2006 Author Report Share Posted March 16, 2006 thanks blade! yeah cracking jokes so far lads, c'mon theres plenty of registered people on the site! post up some jokes! we need more!!! DM Link to post Share on other sites
Spedz Posted March 17, 2006 Report Share Posted March 17, 2006 I've got one for you..... Theres a bear a lion and a chicken. They're discussing how scary they are, the bear goes first and says 'I'm so scary when I roar the entire Jungle get scared.' In a rebuttle the lion then replies 'Heh when I roar the entire Country quaker in their boots.' then the chicken replies 'Am the scariest!' Both the bare and lion both laugh until the chicken said 'Haven't you seen what happens? If I sneeze the entire world zhits it's pants!!!' Link to post Share on other sites
Kyrian_Zenda Posted March 17, 2006 Report Share Posted March 17, 2006 What's the best thing about twenty six year olds? There's twenty of them Why did the lion get lost? Cos the jungle's massive Paddy and Murphy are stranded on an iceberg. Suddenly Paddy yells, "We're saved, we're saved, here comes the Titanic!!" Did you hear about the Irish space mission to the Sun? When asked what they would do about the incredible heat, the astronauts replied, "To be shure, we'll be launching at noight-toime" Did you hear about the ice-cube shortage in Ireland? The old lady who knew the recipe died. An Irishman with a toad on his head walks into a pub. The barman looks at him and says, "What's that you got there then?" The toad replies, "I don't know, it started as a wart on my *albartroth*" Link to post Share on other sites
toga1571 Posted March 17, 2006 Report Share Posted March 17, 2006 ok i got a great one it been modified a little than what you might have heard here goes Q.whats grosser than gross A.your dirty tighty whiteys Q.whats grosser than that A.you threw them at the wall Q.whats grosser than that A.they stuck Q.whats grosser than that A.they slid down and left a brown mark Q.whats grosser than that A.they crawled back up again this is the pirate one A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender see's a boat wheel sticking out of his pants so the bartender asks him whats up with it and the pirate reply's "ARRRGGH its driving me nuts thought you might like those and one other little thing i was looking through this baby name book from like the fiftys and found this name LESBIA=the greek queen of the lesbos i thought that was pretty funny LOL tell me what you think Link to post Share on other sites
toga1571 Posted March 17, 2006 Report Share Posted March 17, 2006 come on someone give me a reply!!!! or more jokes Link to post Share on other sites
Kyrian_Zenda Posted March 17, 2006 Report Share Posted March 17, 2006 I think this thread should be renamed the rubbish-jokes-thread-with-the-occasional-corker-popping-up... Link to post Share on other sites
DirtyMoFo Posted March 17, 2006 Author Report Share Posted March 17, 2006 yes kyrian lol, but all mine are good... right?.. lol yeah cmon guys! more jokes! ive run out of new jokes! DM Link to post Share on other sites
blade3 Posted March 17, 2006 Report Share Posted March 17, 2006 lol this is funny and i think kyrian has no sense of humour sits in a dark cupboard for enjoyment Link to post Share on other sites
Vicks Posted March 17, 2006 Report Share Posted March 17, 2006 I've got lots of very funny ones, but i think i would probably get banned if i posted any of them... Link to post Share on other sites
DirtyMoFo Posted March 17, 2006 Author Report Share Posted March 17, 2006 PM me them if you want Vicks! my freinds and i are pretty immune to any type of offense! as for more jokes... On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant obviously knows nothing what-so-ever about golf, greeting him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of the identity of the golfing pro. "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are those?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees," replies Tiger. "Well, what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger. "Feckin Jaysus," says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everything!" ------- really bad elephant jokes: Q: What do you see when you look up an elephant's trunk? A: 6 feet of snot. Q: What's the biggest drawback in Africa? A: An elephant's foreskin. Q: What has two grey legs and two brown legs? A: An elephant with diarrhea. Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? A: To stomp out forest fires. Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? A: To stomp out burning ducks. Q: What is a sheep with a rope tied around it's neck? A: An elephant's tampon. sorry... ----- While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 15 mph over the speed limit), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. Naturally, he pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?" I replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah?" said the cop. "What do you do?" "I'm an ###### stretcher," I responded. The cop said, "What? An ###### stretcher? What does a ###### stretcher DO?" I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand. Then I work until I can get both hands in there, and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide." The cop asked me, "What the heck do you do with a 6 foot ######?" I replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge…" Im up in court tomorrow. ---- Dave, sadly was born without ears, although successful in business this problem did annoy him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company. He set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Dave asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply. Dave did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office. The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears." Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage. The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a young man who had recently earned his bachelor's degree. He was smart. He was handsome, and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?" Dave was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?", he asked. The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!" 'and above, ladies and gentlemen, you see some of the cornies jokes ever' DM Link to post Share on other sites
Dmitri Kalashnikov Posted March 17, 2006 Report Share Posted March 17, 2006 That last one was great, lol. Three guys walk into a bar. You'd think the third guy would have seen it coming. A naked man and an elephant are standing next to one aother. The elephantasks the naked man, "That's cute, can you blow water out of it?" What's worse than a pile of 49 dead babies? The 50th one eating its way up to the top. An and apple, and orange, and a penis are all next to one another. The apple says, "I have it so bad, people cut me up into little sections. The orange then says, "That's nothing. People peal my skin off, then chop me into pieces." Finally the penis says, "You guys have it easy. First they make me stand straight up, then they put me in a rubber straight-jacket, then shove me in a dark cavern and make me do push-up until I puke." A man wakes up with a hang-over at his house. His wife accuses him of staying out at another woman's home. But, he replies, "No I wasn't! I was at O'Bradly's Tavern. They have a golden bar, golden bar stools, and a golden toilet." His wife looks in the phone book for the number of the tavern and calls them up, a man answers, and so the wife asks "Hello, does your tavern have a golden bar?" "Yes it does," the barkeep answers. "And does it have golden stools?" "It sure does." "And does it have a golden toilet?" The bartender is then quiet for a second, then speaks away from the phone saying, 'Hey Pete! I think I found the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!" Link to post Share on other sites
DirtyMoFo Posted March 18, 2006 Author Report Share Posted March 18, 2006 lol, nice one, i like that last one! Link to post Share on other sites
hburn Posted March 18, 2006 Report Share Posted March 18, 2006 what is the differnence between a dead baby and an alive one infront of me............ 5 seconds Link to post Share on other sites
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