Random Jokes

[xp67]

Some appauling Michael Jackson jokes...

 

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?

A: Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.

 

Q: What does Michael Jackson have in common with Santa?

A: They both empty their sack for kids.

 

The police raided Michael Jacksons house, looking for drugs. They found class A in the kitchen, class B in the living room, and class 5C in the bedroom.

[YounG ChristoV]

lololololololol

[Smith5]

An englishman, irishman and scottsman are all about to finish their training for the special forces. As one last test to prove their dedication to the army, their commanding officer hands them each a gun and says "in that building your families are waiting. I want you to go in there and kill each and every one of them.

 

The englishman goes in, no shots are fired. He comes out crying and says he cant possibly kill his family. He is kicked out of the army.

 

Next the scottsman enters the building, again, no shots are fired. He comes out crying saying that he nothing would make him kill his family. He too is kicked out.

 

Finally the irishman enters the house. Ten minutes pass of horrific screaming and yelling. The irishman comes out covered in blood and gore and says "some *fruitcager* forgot to put bullets in the gun!"

[Dmitri Kalashnikov]

My friends and I were talking, and one of them made an interesting point:

 

James: You know, Germany is long over-due for another world-domination attempt. I just don't get it, they have a great army and everything, and their weapons rock, so WHY don't they just get off their arses and do it?!

 

Me: It's because they're waiting for America to end its turn.

[sniper_boi]

Whats red and screams?

 

A baby with its skin peeled back and in a bag of salt.

[Dmitri Kalashnikov]

Another conversation I had with a friend...

 

Flan: Oh, I have some sad news, man.

Me: Oh?

Flan: Remember by grandpa Yuri?

Me: The former KGB officer?

Flan: Yep.

Me: What about him?

Flan: I just found out last night that he died.

Me: Ooh...Sorry, man. How did he die?

Flan: Well, you remember that brand of vodka he loved to drink?

Me: How could I forget? Remember when we tried to sneak a drink of it that one night, and he shot at us with his old Makarov? That was one hell of a night!

Flan: Heh, yeah, we still haven't patched all those bullet holes...

Me: So I take it he died of alcohol-poisoning?

Flan: Nah. He was hit by a truck shipping that brand of vodka.

[Krazy L]

ok here is one of mine...

 

A black guy, a white guy and a mexican all die and go to hell. They beg the devil to give tham another chance. the devil says

 

"If you can name something i can do i will give you another chance."

 

the white guy walks up and says "name all the stars in the sky."

 

the devil does so and throws him into the pits of hell. next the mexican walks up and says "count all the grains of sand in the world."

 

the devil does so and throws him into hell. next the Black guy walks up. the devil says "so what do you think i can't do?" then black guy thinks about it for a second. then he spins around and farts and says "catch that and paint it green."

 

 

quite funny i thought...

 

Q:what do you call a Bra in german?

A: Keepumfromflopin

[LboroSlider]

Thumbs up to DirtyMoFo, brilliant idea for a post.

 

Q: Why do hunters make good lovers?

 

A: Because they go deep into the bush, shoot more than once and eat what they shoot.

 

 

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag.

 

A: One's white and plastic and the other sayys 'Thank you for shopping at Tesco'

 

 

3 builders are sitting on top of a building having their lunch. The first builder, bob, open up his lunch box and pulls out his sandwich.

 

"Cheese and pickle, I hate cheese and pickle. I've told that cow time and time again not to make me cheese and pickle. This has happened for the past 30 years, i've had, if i get cheese and pickle tomorrow i'm going to jump off this building and kill myself." A bit extreme but the other 2 builders agree.

 

The second builder, bill, opens his lunch box and pulls out his sandwich, "Ham, i f*kin hate ham, she knows i do. I she makes me ham tomorrow i'm going to do the same as you bob and jump off this building".

 

The third and final builder, Fred who's not the brightest of builders, opens up his lunch box, "Tuna, i hate tuna, if i have tuna tomorrow, i'll jump off as well."

 

The next day all 3 are back on top of the building having their lunch. Bob opens his lunch box,

"Cheese and pickle! I said i would and i will."

He jumps off and plumits to his death.

 

Bill opens his lunch box,

"Ham! Thats it, i'm off"

Jumps off and falls to his death.

 

Fred,

"Tuna! Bye world".

He jumps off as well.

 

Later that day the police are interviewing the builders wives.

Bobs wife, "I wish he would have told me, I feel so guilty, my poor Bob".

Bills wife, "It's all my fault".

Freds wife, "Fred makes his own sandwiches in the morning"

[Desolation mkII]

Theres an Englihman an Irishman and a Scotsman and they are killed in a freak accident and all go to hell.

 

Once they are there the divil says to them "I have a test for you, if you complete it successfully I will let you go to heaven." So the 3 men agree to this. "Go to that garden there and pick 10 of any 3 fruit" the Devil says.

So the 3 men think "easy enough" and go and do it. In the garden is every type of fruit you can imagain.

 

The Englishman returns first with 10 apples and the devil says to him "right, now if you can shove all ten up your bum and keep a straight face throughout I'll let you go to heaven"

So the Englishman bends over and starts putting the apples up his bum, however on the third apple he winces in pain and the Devil says "stop youve failed the test, you'll have to stay here in hell"

 

The Scotsman is the next to return and he has picked 10 blueberrys.

Once again devil says to him "right, now if you can shove all ten up your bum and keep a straight face throughout I'll let you go to heaven".

The scotsman thinks "Okay that shouldn't be too hard' and starts puting them up his bum, due to the small size he finds it relatively easy but on the 9th blueberry he bursts out laughing.

He is told he has failed and as he walks away into hell he is asked by the Englishman who was watching "why did you laugh"?

The scot replies, "I saw the Irishman coming back with pineapples"

[Onechance]

Paddy English-man, Paddy Irish-man and Paddy Scots-man, we're all arguing who was the strongest. They decided that who ever could throw a rock the highest would be the strongest.

So Paddy English-man throws the rock 20 foots in the air,

then Paddy-scotsman throw the rock 40 foot in the air and then Paddy-Irish man steps up, he throws the rock up in the air and it doesn't come back down

[sniper_boi]

Paddy English-man, Paddy Irish-man and Paddy Scots-man, we're all arguing who was the strongest. They decided that who ever could throw a rock the highest would be the strongest.

So Paddy English-man throws the rock 20 foots in the air,

then Paddy-scotsman throw the rock 40 foot in the air and then Paddy-Irish man steps up, he throws the rock up in the air and it doesn't come back down

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Lol very good oncechance.

[DirtyMoFo]

Paddy English-man, Paddy Irish-man and Paddy Scots-man, we're all arguing who was the strongest. They decided that who ever could throw a rock the highest would be the strongest.

So Paddy English-man throws the rock 20 foots in the air,

then Paddy-scotsman throw the rock 40 foot in the air and then Paddy-Irish man steps up, he throws the rock up in the air and it doesn't come back down

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

 

i dont actually get it... explain please!

 

(i feel so stupid...)

[codename 47]

great jokes guys keep em coming if i wasnt completely devoid of humour id tell you all a couple of mine...

 

 

... but i am so it aint happening

[project_jam]

The Old Rooster

 

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

 

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

 

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

 

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."

 

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

 

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."

 

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits.

 

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Damn it!... third gay rooster I bought this month."

 

Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

 

JAM

[DirtyMoFo]

nice one

[Evert 72]

lol good one JAM

[Sledge]

You want farmyard morality? 'Kay.

 

There's two bulls in a field, one old and one young. On the other side of the field is a herd of pretty young cows. The young bull sees them and says:

"Hey, you see those cows? I think I'm going to run over there and make sweet love to one of them."

"You just do that" says the old bull as the youngster runs off. "I'm going to walk over there, then make sweet love to all of them."

 

[Meathead316]

ok heres one

 

Q why did the chicken cross the road?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A to get to the other side!

 

hahahahaha!!!

 

... *sound of crickets*

 

no seriously here is a goodun

 

A small Alabama Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

 

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Mike Hickman , a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages. Mike, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

 

The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Mike was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

 

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition. "Second," Mike said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition. "Third," Mike said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed. And last of all Mike stated: "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."

 

NOW LAUGH!!!

[Sledge]

You know, there's a funny version of that involving the Pope.

 

[Dmitri Kalashnikov]

A university is doing a half-time show for a football game when a guy with a screwdriver comes to the field and interrupts things. The lead singer for the half-time show asks him,

"What the hell are you doing down here?! We're in the middle of a show!"

To which the guy responds,

"I bet I can throw this screwdriver incredibly high in the air, and catch it before it hits the ground!"

The singer shrugs and gives the guy a chance. The guy throws the screwdriver into the air, and it goes about 100 meters (for all you who don't use the customary system...) into the air beforeit falls back down. the guy catchesit, however, and everyone is astonished. He then says, "I'll throw it HIGHER now!" and he does. It goes well over 300 meters into the air before falling down and being caught by the guy again. By now, the audience is rooting for the guy to out-do the last height of the throw, and so he throws it into the air...and it doesn't come down.

.

.

.

And now for some Hebrew Humor for those of us that got a little taken off the top after we were born. 8=> X8

 

A Jewish man by the name of Glenn, living in the USSR, calls the KGB saying "I have information that Murray Roseman is stashing diamonds in his logs outside his home." The KGB all panic and rush to Roseman's house and chop the wood up to find the jewels, only to find nothing. The KGB leave the house and give Roseman a distrustful face. After they leave, Murray calls Glenn and says, "Thanks for getting them to chop up my firewood, Glenn. Next week, I'll tell them that you're stashing rubies in yours so they can get your wood chopped up for you too."

 

A Jewish mother and her daughter are walking along a beach when a mighty tidal wave swoops down and takes the daughter away. The mother looks up to the sky and cries out, "Oh, Lord! I promise I will never curse, drink, smoke, or eat unKosher foods ever again if you bring my daughter back! I"ll go to Temple every week, read the Tora every day, and I'll even dress modestly for the rest of my days, just PLEASE give me back my beloved daughter!" Another wave crashes to the beach, dropping the daughter back to her mother. Her mother sees that her child is alive and well, but then looks up at the sky again yelling "Hey! She had a hat!"

 

(non-Hebrew humor now)

 

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman has a toy poodle that has done nothing but yip and yipe for the past two hours while the man has done nothing but smoke a smelly Cuban cigar in that time. The woman looks at the man and says with a frown, "Could you PLEASE stop smoking?" The man looks disdainfully at her and mouths off, "Could you get your damn dog to shut up?" The woman humphs and stays quiet for a bit. A half-hour later, the woman has had enough, and so she grabs the cigar, opens the window, and throws the cigar out of it. The man looks at her in rage and asks why the hell she did it. "I don't like your smoking, so I did something about it." The man then grabs the still yipping and yiping poodle and throws it out of the window. The woman is in hysterics and asks why he did it, to which he replies, "I didn't like your noisey dog, so I did something about it!" The woman cries and cries, and the man decides to get some rest, but as he looks out the window, he says, "Ma'am! Your dog is on the wing of the plane!" The woman brightens up and says "Is he ok?" The man then answers, "Yeah! And he's...He's got a screwdriver in his mouth too!"

[Onechance]

An old woman had this dog which she loved very much, and this old woman was moving to another country. Deciding that leaving her beloved dog in quarantine would be cruel, she gave the animal some sleeping pills in the it's meal and slipped the dog into her hand luggage. With the dog sleeping peacefully in her hand luggage the old woman boarded the plane and fell asleep. A few hours into the flight, a noise woke her from her slumper, again the noise became louder and louder until the distinct sound of a dog was heard barking.

Her mind went a hundred miles a minute, "Is that my dog barking she asked herself?" The barking seemed to becoming from the wing to her right, and lifting the shutter on the airplane's window she saw

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Paddy Irish-man's rock

[Sly_Marbo]

A man walks into a bar... and is rushed off to hospital.

Another man walks up to the bar and orders a drink. While the barman is getting the drink, the man (called Fred) sees a huge jug of £5 notes, so he asks the barman what it's for; to which the barman replies, "Nah, you don't wanna know." Fred insists and the barman says, "Oh, alright. It's a dare, you see. You put £5 in the jar and then if you can complete the 3 sacred tasks, you can keep all the money in the jar!" Fred loves dares, so he puts a fiver in the jar. "Right, now what are the 3 sacred tasks?", he asks. The barman replies, "Ok, (1), you have to drink 2 whole bottles of wine in under 3 minutes. (2), you have to remove the rotten tooth from my dog's mouth; it's really hurting him. And then (3), you have to make love to my dying mother so she dies happy."

 

Fred agrees and glugs down the 2 bottles of wine in just over 2 mins and asks, "Where's that dog?" The barman points to the garden and out wanders Fred, who then rolls up his sleeves and shuts the door.

 

Everyone listens intently....

 

After 15 mins of canine yelps and Fred's screams of what appeared to be agony (from the dog scratching hime), Fred stumbles back into the room, covered in scratches, with his clothes badly torn...

 

"Right! Where's the granny with the bad tooth?"

[Meathead316]

A man walks into a bar... and is rushed off to hospital. 

Another man walks up to the bar and orders a drink. While the barman is getting the drink, the man (called Fred) sees a huge jug of £5 notes, so he asks the barman what it's for; to which the barman replies, "Nah, you don't wanna know." Fred insists and the barman says, "Oh, alright. It's a dare, you see. You put £5 in the jar and then if you can complete the 3 sacred tasks, you can keep all the money in the jar!" Fred loves dares, so he puts a fiver in the jar. "Right, now what are the 3 sacred tasks?", he asks. The barman replies, "Ok, (1), you have to drink 2 whole bottles of wine in under 3 minutes. (2), you have to remove the rotten tooth from my dog's mouth; it's really hurting him. And then (3), you have to make love to my dying mother so she dies happy."

 

Fred agrees and glugs down the 2 bottles of wine in just over 2 mins and asks, "Where's that dog?" The barman points to the garden and out wanders Fred, who then rolls up his sleeves and shuts the door.

 

Everyone listens intently....

 

After 15 mins of canine yelps and Fred's screams of what appeared to be agony (from the dog scratching hime), Fred stumbles back into the room, covered in scratches, with his clothes badly torn...

 

"Right! Where's the granny with the bad tooth?"

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

LMAO!

 

heres another

 

Jack and his friends were playing golf one Saturday. As they are getting ready to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can join them. The friends look at each other, look at the guy and say, 'Sure.' About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him. The stranger tells them he's a hitman. They all laugh. The guy says, 'No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like.' So Jack decides to check it out. He opens the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. Jack gets all excited and says, 'WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?' The hit man replies, 'Sure.' So Jack looks and says, 'YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife. Wait, there's my next door neighbor! And he's naked too!' This really upsets Jack so he asks how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replies, 'I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger.' Jack responds, '$1000? Well, OK, I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife.' The hit man agrees, gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about five minutes until finally Jack starts to get really impatient and asks, 'What are you waiting for? The hitman replies, 'Relax..... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!'

[Curious]

I just do not get this "Throws it up and it doesnt come back down" joke thing.

 

[Dmitri Kalashnikov]

They're two-part jokes. You say the part that has the 'doesn't come back down' at the end, then you say a different joke or two, and then end with a joke that has the thing thrown up into the air as the punchline. Read my post again (if you haven't already) and you'll see what I mean.