Random Jokes

[guinnessman]

Young woman marries a richer but much older man for his money.

 

 

After a few years of being treated like a bimbo, she inherits his fortune when he dies.

 

She decides that she wants a long-term loving relationship, and so puts an ad in the lonely hearts column.

 

The ad reads:

 

"Beautiful, rich and lonely young woman seeks perfect partner for long-term relationship. Must not hit me or run away from me, and must be good in bed."

 

Predictably this draws many potential suitors, and after a few weeks of meeting many unsuitable men, she begins to lose hope of finding Mr Right.

 

Another few weeks passes, and her door rings. When she answers it there's a man on the doorstep with no arms and no legs.

 

"Can I help you?" asks the woman.

"Yes, I'm here about the Lonely Hearts ad." says the man.

"You? But what makes you think you're right for me?" replies the startled woman.

"Well, I have no arms so I can't hit you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you." states the man.

"Hmm, well, thats true, but how do I know you're good in bed?" she asks.

The man smiles, and says "How else do you think I reached the doorbell?"

[Sledge]

A young woman marries an old man, planning to pleasure him so much on the honeymoon, he'll die and leave all his money to her.

 

On the wedding night, the old man goes into the bathroom whilst the woman gets into bed. When he returns, he has a clip on his nose, is putting earplugs in, and is wearing a condom over the largest penis the woman has ever seen. Confused, she asks what the nose clip and ear plugs are for.

"Honey, I hate two things on this earth: the sound of a screaming woman, and the smell of burning rubber."

 

[Hedganian]

Lubricant - there's always time for lubricant!

[sniper_boi]

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.

 

He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

 

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

 

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

 

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.

 

She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

 

Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

 

But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.

 

He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

 

He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

 

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

 

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

 

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.

 

Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

 

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

 

................................................................................

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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

 

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

 

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

 

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

 

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

 

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

 

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

 

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

 

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

 

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

 

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

 

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

 

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

 

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

 

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

 

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[dannyboy]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

 

(snippity)

 

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Pretty sure that was posted a few pages back. meh. Other one's ###### funny

 

 

 

Old one for you, can't remember it properly, but you'll get the idea.

 

Two guys in a public toilet, one's in the army, the other in the navy. The bloke from the army finishes, zips up, and heads towards the door. Navy bloke turns to him and says, "In the navy, they teach us to wash our hands after we've been"

 

Army bloke looks at him, and says, "In the army, they teach us not to ###### on our hands"

 

 

 

Obviously, the roles can be reversed, ie I doubt anyone in the navy would have it that way round.

[Pendra]

The SEALs, the SAS and the SPECNAZ are having a contest to decide which unit is the best. The task is to find a specific camel in the desert and bring it to the camp.

The SEALs go out and bring in the camel after 30 mins. Others ask about the techniques, they used. The commander replies:

- We used our latest spy sat with in thermal view mode. It pinpointed the camel after the flyby so I sent our commando and got the camel.

After that the SAS leave the camp. They retrieve the camel after 20 mins. The other ask about the methods. The SAS commander replies:

- This land used to be Commonwealth territory. We have good relations to the natives, so I ask a local pathfinder. He found and brought back the camel quickly.

The SPACNAZ is the last to go. After 10 mins, a helicopter brings in a big crate. The judge opens the crate and finds a blood stained icebear inside. He asks the SPECNAZ commander why he brought an icebear instead of the camel. Suddenly the icebear replies:

- I'm a camel, I'm a camel, just don't hit me again.