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The Laws of Airsoft


Dmitri Kalashnikov

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On airsoftforum.com, we have a thread devoted to airsoft jokes. Most of the stuff I post is "Dmitri's Laws of Airsoft" which are airsoft-proven versions of the Sod's/Murphy's Laws of Combat, many of which are unique (at least, I think they are...). The point of this thread is to add your own laws that you have seen proven through past skirmishes/experiences.

 

So here we go, the

 

-Laws of Airsoft-

 

-Every god favors the team that has the berserker.

 

-Two girls armed with nothing but spring guns will be able to defend a position all the way to when their team wins.

 

-Dead men tell no tales...until the match is over.

 

-The one guy with nothing but a GBB will be taken out by the guy with the Hardall 2 Shotgun.

 

-The guy that sings in battle is the hardest to locate.

 

-When in doubt, your opponents are on the other side of the door.

 

-Silence is golden, but the screams of a newbie being shot by a tricked-out AEG are priceless.

 

-If it can puncture a soda can, you will still feel it tomorrow and the following three days after.

 

-Watches that can resist pressure 100 meters under water will shatter from an AEG ricochet-shot.

 

-The kids that play with the 'You shoot until your opponent surrenders' rule all want to be soldiers one day, while the ones who play by '1 hit and your dead' rules will do everything they can to stay out of the military.

 

You are NOT Il Duce from 'The Boondock Saints.'

 

-'Reloading teammate' is a euphemism for 'sitting duck.'

 

-When playing 'three hits and you're dead' rules, the guy with the best gun will be out early because he thought it was one-hit rules.

 

-Just because you have a TM P90, have your opponent in a strangle-hold, and have taken away his primary, it does NOT mean you are immune from him shooting you out with his Cybergun spring pistol.

 

-Just because you have the best electric gun in the game, it does not mean you won't get out from the guy with the mpeg.

 

-No matter how many runes you carve into your helmet as well as put in your boots, you are not immune from the curse of being the first one out for every match in the day.

 

-Pray to as many gods of war and battle as you can, SOMEONE's bound to hear your pathetic plea.

 

-When playing with co-eds in a match, breast shots will cause more people to get out than a burst-shot.

 

-When playing 'three hits and you're dead' rules, the guy that suggests adding the rule of head shots being an instant death will NEVER get anyone out with a head shot.

 

-Just as the match starts, you will get a call from someone important on your cell phone.

 

-Rushed matches for when your time at a field is almost up have a higher fun-factor than normal matches.

 

-If you can see your BB travel to the other side clearly, your fps is too dang slow.

 

-You will remember an OTC medication jingle from ten years ago while in battle, but you will forget your team's entire plan of attack.

 

-Hand signals will change after each match unintentionally if you haven't all memorized them by then.

 

-'Action' is just 5 letters less and 2 seconds after 'Distraction.'

 

The guy that uses Jack Link's Jerky for his MRE will be shot out unexpectedly because he was picking the jerky sinew out of his teeth.

 

-A name means nothing on the battlefield...unless it's the name of your gun.

 

-When switching from always using an mpeg at semi in springer matches to using it at full-auto in a full-auto match, allow a factor of 78% ownage to be dealt to you before you may even get the hang of things.

 

-There is no lag on the battlefield...in fact, the game always moves at a faster pace than you will be able to keep up with mentally.

 

-Bullet-proof goggles are not BB-proof.

 

-Camouflage is pointless if:

1) Your gun is not camouflaged with you.

2) You are playing in an indoor CQB field.

 

-Remember the Alamo. More than likely the same thing will happen to your team for proclaiming that at the beginning of the match.

 

-If you can hear your footsteps, assume your enemy can too.

 

-When playing with 'Battle Royale' rules, there is no such thing as betrayals.

 

-Though it is dangerous for your gun, dry-firing is very affective at making your opponent stay back from you.

 

-You are not Solid Snake or anything close to the guy. You WILL get spotted for looking around corners.

 

-The game is NOT like Metal Gear Solid. You will be spotted if there isn't anything in between you and your opponent's eyes in moderately-lit areas.

 

-You are not Sam Fisher or anything close to the guy. You will NOT be able to climb structures to hang upside-down to knock enemies out.

 

-Those that live by the sword are usually the first out, but complain the least when this happens.

 

-Camping is a legitimate strategy. Deal with it.

 

-Shellshock can be stopped from worsening by shooting yourself in the chest or arm. But, remember this rule with caution if you play with the '1 hit and you're dead' and the 'friendly fire counts' rules.

 

-You will always be shot in the least pain-resistant spots of your body.

 

-Your gun is an extension of yourself, so don't think only your body will get damaged from an assault.

 

-If the gun feels weird in any way while using it, DON'T use it.

 

-Never underestimate the effectiveness of a Chinese off-brand springer in times of need.

 

-There is no such thing as an unorthodox tactic. If it works, it's all fair-game.

 

-If things begin to get dead-quiet, expect an ambush within the next minute.

 

-If you start to here the song ‘The Battle of New Orleans’ in your head, NOW is the time to strike.

 

-If you hear the song ‘God Save the Tsar’ in your head, the end is near.

 

-If you hear a hyper-active anime theme or J-Pop song in your head, proceed with shooting yourself to stop the shellshock before it worsens.

 

-You will NOT be able to get that annoying love song out of your head, no matter how much you have to think in a combat situation.

 

-You will not die of heat exhaustion during a CQB match. However, the moment the match ends, you will feel the effects immediately.

 

-If you hear a slight ringing in the bones inside your ear, it is anything BUT a Codec call.

 

-Unless you are playing in a field where anyone can join in at any second, don’t expect backup.

 

-Remember, it’s not the BB with your name on it that you have to worry about it, it’s the 9,999 others that have ‘INSERT NEWB’s NAME HERE’ written on them that you need to watch out for.

 

-There is no such thing as racism in airsoft. The only ‘superior race’ is the one that you make to escape a barrage that your friends fail at.

 

-You needn’t worry about being faster than the FPS of the gun shooting at you, you only need to be faster than your teammates running with you.

 

-Do not light the candle at both ends, it will give your position away in the night game.

 

-MRE's aren't.

 

-The only bathroom break you will get in a match will be those few seconds you soil yourself from the shock of being barraged by multiple tricked-out AEG's.

 

-This is NOT Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake-Eater. You cannot eat the animals in the forest you are in.

 

-Beware of the guy who whistles '1812 Overture', he may be the only thing that can take down your 'invincible' team.

 

-You are NOT Revolver Ocelot. Ricochet-shots do not count as legitimate hits in most places.

 

-Never let three guys light their cigarettes together with one lighter: it makes the sniper on the other team's job a LOT easier.

 

-Never bring an entertainment device of any sort. It will be the first thing the sniper will hit once he’s found you.

 

-You are NOT Sniper Wolf. You cannot use Valium/Diazepam to steady your hands without putting yourself into a deep sleep.

 

-You cannot get a Purple Heart for any type of wound in airsoft. John Kerry, please take note of this one.

 

-You can only start AIRSOFT battles for stupid reasons, not real wars. George W. Bush, please take not of this one.

 

-‘Tree-Hugger’ is a euphemism for ‘easy-kill’.

 

-Never argue over whether it is called a ‘clip’ or a ‘mag’ in battle. Whenever you get into this argument, a hi-cap one will be unloaded on you from the other team while you weren’t paying attention.

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when you are short of everything except targets.... welcome to airsoft

 

an L-peg can and will be used as a Support weapon

 

cheap springers are more deadly than snipers.

 

the one who says "if it ain't raining it ain't training" will be the first to leave at site of a rain cloud

 

just because your AEG can't reach, doesn't mean their sniper can't

 

things that must be shipped together aren't

 

the thing you need most will be in the bottom of the pack

 

guys with the most expensive gear and best guns are always first to get hit

 

newbs always "get lucky"

 

Pros aren't

 

Newbs aren't

 

bb proof isn't

 

radios work two ways (1) they help you communicate (2) they give away your position

 

perfect plans aren't

 

insect repellents don't

 

if it worked in practice it won't during the game

 

if "body armor" hits don't count, the other team will miss that part

 

in night games, the sharp pointed limbs will be at (1) eye level, (2) groin level

 

pros are predictible, it is the newbs you have to worry about

 

if you make it hard for the enemy to get your flag, you just made it harder to get back

 

the only thing more accurate than enemy fire, is friendly fire

 

the diversion you ignored, was the main attack being sneaky

 

if you suddenly find yourself in front of your team mates, chances are they know something you don't

 

before any firefight it is bad luck to be superstitious

 

airsoft isn't like video games, getting shot hurts

 

if you are still alive at the 3 hours into a 3 and a half hour game.. and are low on ammo . the other team just got a resupply...

 

if ambushed by a larger, better armed force... it may prove helpful to pnder "how would the lone ranger handle this"

 

always bring a gun with full auto, better yet bring two

 

taking prisoners is (1) time consuming, (2) troublesome and, (3) not recommended...

 

do unto the enemy, and do it first

 

speak softly but for get the big stick, carry something belt fed

 

The urgency of the need to urinate is inversely proportional to the temperature and directly proportional to the layer of clothing and gear you have to remove.

 

the "knife kill rule" states the guy with the gun wins

 

the sniper saying he never misses, always will, the support gunner bragging about his Hi -rate of fire. will eb the fire to run out of ammo

 

grenades clear rooms faster

 

those new airsoft land mines are great. except when you have none

 

the easy way is ambushed

 

the hard way is ambushed but with more guys

 

you will always be fighting up hill

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A few more....

 

Quality of tactical gear worn is inversely proportional to the quality of the player wearing it. (i'm well guilty of this one!)

 

A battery packs power will last all day, 'till you're the last man standing in a building thats about to be assaulted by 30 of the opposition

 

You can't get a "2000 yard stare" from airsoft

 

The "Infantry Square" from Napoleonic times is not an effective form of defence in woodland games

 

"Who Dares Wins" was not an Airsoft training movie

 

Any woman who dresses like Lara Croft does not realise that skin-tight clothing should not be worn by people above a size 10

 

Radio's go tits up exactly when you need them

 

Marshalls vest are the biggest BB magnets around.

 

Nobody has a cleaning rod when you need one.

 

Never stand too close to the lunatic with one pistol, two magazines and 150 assorted pyro devices.

 

Never volunteer to play the "downed pilot"

 

The more costly an Airsoft gun, the more likely it is to break.

 

Never take the pi$$ out of the catering. You never know what they'll do next time they see you in the queue for a burger.

 

Never challenge the site nutter to a gas powered sniper rifle duel. At ten yards. With Red gas.

 

and the most important rule?

 

always have enough money with you for a post skirmish beer :D

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-Remember, it’s not the BB with your name on it that you have to worry about it, it’s the 9,999 others that have ‘INSERT NEWB’s NAME HERE’ written on them that you need to watch out for.

 

As I recall, it was "It's not the one BB with my name on it that I'm frightened by. It's all the ones with 'To Whom It May Concern' written on them that frighten me." :P

 

I'm trying to remember who said that (or words to that effect). Maybe it was Ambrose Bierce?

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"it is not the bullet with your name on it, that one should worry about. it is the other 9,999 that say "to whom it may concern", or shrapnel that says "occupied".

 

Was a Murphy Law.

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The noob that brought a £10 springer shotgun as a backup WILL kill 3 guys with 3 shots.

And then get a proper shotgun a year later and do the same again.

 

If you have an M93r, mag pouches make better holsters than holsters.

 

If you made your own webbing and sling out of old rucksacks, you will end up with your pockets full.

 

If you have a dump bag and a homade holster, your dump bag will be an impromptu holster.

 

The cool little dude with the mini will own the pistol day.

 

That tiny little thing that you thought "oh well, what trouble will that be" will plague you the whole day.

 

the man with the speedloader just trebeled the amout of pistol mags he has.

 

realcaps+ speedloader+ 3000 round bottle = lots and lots and lots of little firefights.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'its not the bullet with your name on that you need to worry about, its the one addressed "to whom it may concern" '

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-Somewhere along the line, someone who uses a GBB will accidentally take a can of whipped cream with them, thinking it was their green gas.

 

-Just because this is the 21st century, and just because you are a part of a very civilized society, it does not mean that there won't be SOMEONE who knows the ways of berserkergangr.

 

-If you start to laugh uncontrollably, proceed with shooting yourself to stop the shellshock before it worsens.

 

-There are no euphemisms in airsoft...PERIOD.

 

-Even though lightsabers look cool, and can theoretically be used in CQC, they will be the death of you 99.9999% of the time.

 

-You are not in the Matrix. If you try to stop the BB's in place, you will get pelted; if you try to limbo to dodge a shot, you will fall on your back or head, and then get pelted; and if you try to see things in binary code, you will ALWAYS get pelted in the goggles.

 

-Never drink sodas of any sort right before a match. Burping is a gutterral way of saying "I'M OVER HERE! SHOOT ME!"

 

-Never eat anything with beans before a match. Flatulence will give your position away and/or 'smoke out' your teammates from the hideout and into the open.

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Whenever you go to a new site:

 

- they'll allways be a guy called "rambo"

-the objectives will have ficticius names like "rambo's hill" which will mean nothing to you, and no maps will be provided

 

"End-ex" is the sign for everyone to empty their 5,000 round boxmag in one burst.

 

-Only other people's pyros light.

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Black gear will not hide you in the middle of the woods in the summer.

your gun will break when you most need it

bring all the things you think you need and more, *beep* will break

expect to lose mags if you keep your mags open top

an MP5 mag is not designed for an M4 mag pouch

an M4 mag is not designed for an AK pouch

an AK mag is not designed for an M14 mag pouch

a .45 mag is not deigned for a 9mm mag pouch

Helmets are only good to wear in a CQB situation really...the rest is pointless unless your doing an impression....

people that want to keep gear clean are not geardos even if they own Eagles entire line.

There are differnces in AR variants, please use the correct referances...

 

yar.

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