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casey_cole

A sea-food based joke

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Note: Americans will NOT get this joke

 

A man is in Douglas on the Isle of Mann and wants something to eat. He decides to go out on the town to the local pirate-wanabee's restaurante "Yarr-Face's Seafood" which is owned by a strange type called Yarr-Face.

 

He goes inside and sits down. The big man himself comes over to take his order, "What you like to eat, arr?"

"I'd like the squid please," he replies.

"No problem. Red or green?" inquires the peg-legged chef.

"Green of course," confirms the man.

"Wild or tame?" intones our captain.

"Wild, naturally," implores our friend.

"Lipped? Or un-lipped?"

"Lipped today please."

"Hairy lips or smooth lips?" questions Yarr-Face.

"Hairy thank you," says the man.

 

Yarr-Face goes back to the kitchen, and removes the selected animal from the freezer. He places it (live) on a chopping board and selects his largest, sharpest knife. He raises it high, and chops down swiftly...he stops himself just as it touched the animal! "I cannae bear to harm this squid, arr," says Yarr-Face. He repeats the action to carve the animal but once again stops short of hurting it.

 

He motions to his assisstans, "Hans, please come and, arr, chop this squid for me"

"But I'm a humble bottle-washer boss"

"Shut up and carve the squid!

 

Hans takes the cleaver and raises it high once more, but it stops before it slices the sea-creauture. Hans is too gentle inside.

 

The moral of this story?

 

Hans that does dishes can be as soft as Yar-Face, with wild green hairy-lipped squid.

 

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Worse - be fair.

 

What's big, grey and can't play the piano?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A car-park.

 

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A man and woman have recently been married and are considering the fact that they both enjoy their separate hobbies. They decide they should do something together. He suggests that maybe she would like to join his golf club and have a go at the game herself. She agrees.

 

So they toddle off down to the golf course and he shows her how to "address the ball" and so on, until finally she is ready to have a go herself. All is going well untill, at the 3rd tee, she completely miss-hits the ball and it goes flying off in the wrong direction and into the woods along-side the golf course. The sound of smashing glass is heard. "Oh no" he thinks, and off they go to investigate.

 

They discover a cottage with the front window smashed. The front door is open so they go in to try and find the owner. In the front room they come accross a bloke looking somewhat dazed. "I'm so terribly sorry" says the husband, "it's my wife's first go at playing golf and she simply mis-hit the ball. Of course, we'll gladly pay to replace your window."

 

"No, don't worry about the window" says the man. "You see, your ball carried on and hit this vase you see in pieces on the floor. I am, in fact, a genie and I've been trapped in that vase for 500 years. Your golf ball released me and I'm eternally grateful to you." "In fact", he continues, "it is customary on these occasions for me to offer you three wishes. However, as there are two of you I can't offer you one and a half each, so how would it be if you each got a wish and I get the third?" "Not a problem" say the happy couple.

 

The man goes first. "I'd like a top of the range BMW with all the optional extras, taxed and insured please" he asks. "No problem" replies the genie "and you'll need a constant supply of petrol for that so I'll throw that in as well". "Fantastic" the man enthuses.

 

Then the woman choses. "I'd like a beautiful detached house in the country with 6 bedrooms, an indoor swimming pool and some stables with horses and a few farm animals". "OK" replies the genie "but it sounds like you'll need a few staff to help you look after the place so I'll throw them in too". "Wow, thanks" says the woman.

 

The husband feels he should ask the genie about his wish. The genie clears his throat. "Well, it's rather embarrassing" he starts. "You see, I've been in that vase for 500 years with no company at all except my own thoughts and what I'd really like more than anything is to take your wife to bed for the rest of the afternoon."

 

The couple confer. "How do you feel about that?" he asks the wife. "Well, it seems only fair to agree" she replies. "After all he's doing for us it would be churlish to refuse, and it is only for one afternoon. If you agree too then it wouldn't really be infidelity would it?" And so they agree.

 

The genie takes the wife upstairs and they spend the afternoon with a copy of the Karma Sutra, trying out everything mentioned in the tome. By 5 o'clock both are exhausted and lying back enjoying a post-coital cigarette.

 

"Can I ask you one question?" asks the genie. "Go ahead" she replies. "Well, I know it's bad manners to ask a lady her age, but would it be OK to ask how old you are?". "Well" she responds "I'm the same age as my husband. We're both 25".

 

"Good heavens," he replies. "You're both 25 and you both still believe in genies."

 

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In other news: chaos erupts during the national Paranoid Schizophrenics Society Christmas outing to a pantomime when one of the audience shouts, "He's behind you!"

 

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Hands that do dishes are as soft as your face, with mild green fairy liquid.

Was ab old advert for washing up liquid.

 

I've saved that joke as a .txt on my PC :P

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John walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says, "Darling, this is the pig I make love to with when you have a headache."

 

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

 

The man says, " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

 

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A man calls the swimming bath in his nearby town, but he isn't sure whether he's got the right number, so when they pick up, he says, "Excuse me, is that the local swimming bath?" The reply comes back, "Well it really depends on where you're calling from."

 

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An Irishman goes to a doctor as he is feeling a bit under the weather.

 

"Dahctor, moi bums hurtin' me," he says "would you koindly tahk a loohk?"

 

The doctor agrees, lubes up a glove and looks up the Irishmans bottom. He see's a £20 note and pulls it out, "Blimey," he says "there's some money up here!"

 

He pulls another one out...and another...and another and so on until there is a huge pile of remarkably clean money on the table! Lastly he pulls out a tenner.

 

"How much is there then sor?" says the Irishman.

"There's exactly £1,990," replies the doc.

"Oi tought as muhch," says the paddy "Oi wasn't feeling two grand!"

 

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Correct.

 

What has 8 legs and 8 eyes?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8 real pirates.

------------------------------

Why are pirates called pirates?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They just ARRRRR!

 

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Two pirates sitting at a bar. The first pirate says "Yarr! Why be there a steering wheel sticking out of yer trousers?" The second pirate replys "I bain't sure, but it be driving me nuts!"

 

:zorro:

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