Jump to content

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

casey_cole

A sea-food based joke

By casey_cole, in Humor and Jokes

Recommended Posts

Sledge   

Sledge
Posted

An explorer is walking through the jungle when he meets a pygmie. They start talking, and it turns out the pygmie is a hunter. The explorer asks what the little chap normally hunts, and the pygmie says "Hippos." Astonished the explorer says "No offence, but how does someone your size kill a hippo?"

"Oh, I use my club," the pygmie replies.

"Well, how big is your club? It must be huge to kill a hippo!"

"Oh, there's about 50 of us."

 

:zorro:

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

visionviper   

visionviper
Posted

Nothing here!

 

 

-----------------------

 

 

A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan

Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man

at the window that she wished to take the 3 million she had in the

bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though,

she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the

amount of money involved.

 

The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and after

opening the paper bag and seeing the bundles of 1,000 bills which

amounted to right around 3 million, telephoned the bank's secretary

to obtain an appointment for the lady.

 

The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's

office. Introductions were made and she stated that she would like

to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal

level. The bank president then asked her where she came into such a

large amount of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked. "No." she

answered. "Was it from playing the stock market?" "No." she

replied.

 

He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this little old

lady could possibly come into 3 million. "I bet." she stated. "You

bet?" repeated the bank president. "As in horses?" "No." she

replied, "I bet people."

 

Seeing his confusion, she explained that she justs bets on different

things with different people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet

you $25,000.00 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning, your balls will be

square."

 

The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to

take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the

rest of the day, the bank president was very careful. He decided to

stay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25,000.00 at stake.

 

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to

make sure everything was okay. There was no difference- he looked

the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the

little old lady to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went. He

knew this would be a good day- how often do you get handed $25,

000.00 for doing nothing. At 10:00 o'clock sharp the little old

lady was shown into his office. With her was a younger man. When he

inquired as to the man's purpose for being there, she informed him

that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was

this much money involved.

 

"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell

you this," he replied, "but I am the same as I've always been only

$25,000.00 richer." The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that

she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought this was

reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over

and then grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine.

The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across

the room banging his head against the wall.

 

"What' wrong with him?" he inquired. "Oh him," she replied, "I bet

him $100,000.00 that by 10:00 o'clock this morning that I'd have the

president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sledge   

Sledge
Posted

At the funeral, the widow says she needs to say her final farewell to her husband, and to take one last thing to remember him by. She goes to the coffin, and returns a few moments later, tucking something into her purse.

 

A few days later, a friend visits her to see how she's doing. As the friend walks into the house, she smells cooking. The widow is frying something in a pan. The friend looks in the pan, and-

"What the HELL is that?!??"

"Oh, that's my husband's penis," the widow says.

"But... but... WHY??!!?

"For years, I had to eat it the way he liked. Finally, I'll eat it the way I want."

 

:zorro:

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

visionviper   

visionviper
Posted

Edit: Nothing here!

 

Poor taste, sorry about that.

 

 

--------------

 

 

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight

around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to

place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark

saying, "Jesus is watching you."

 

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and

froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head,

promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked

the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as

he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as

a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

 

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the

source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his

flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He

hissed at the parrot.

 

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

 

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

 

"Moses," replied the bird.

 

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name

a parrot Moses?"

 

The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that

would name a Rotweiller "Jesus"!

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

casey_cole   

casey_cole
Posted

VV - your first joke is in seriously bad taste.

 

How do you make a cat go "woof"?

 

2 gallons of petrol and a match

-----------------------------

How do you make a dog go "meow"?

 

Freeze it and put it through a circular saw.

 

CC

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Melonfish   

Melonfish
Posted

okay this one is going to get me banned i can see it now.

 

a three legged dog walks into a saloon in the old west, he shuffles slowly to the bar and climbs awkwardly upon the nearest stool.

leaning in toward the barkeep he drawls in a thick accent.

"ah'm lookin for the man, who shot ma paw."

 

 

*runs*

pete

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sledge   

Sledge
Posted

A cowboy leaves the saloon to find his horse has been stolen. He turns and walks back into the saloon. Inside, he draws himself up to his full height of six foot three inches, and flexes his mighty biceps. He then take out and checks his three Colt Single Action Armies, his Winchester rifle and his double barreled sawnoff shotgun. Next, he takes a Bowie knife with twelve inch blade out of its sheath and drops a silk handkerchief onto the edge. The handkerchief cuts cleanly in two. The cowboy walks to the bar and orders a beer. He then turns to face the people in the saloon, who have watched this in stunned silence.

 

"Folks, I just found mah horse missing. Ah'm gonna drink this beer, then ah'm goin' outside again. If mah horse ain't there, ah'm gonna have to do what ah did in Tombstone when mah horse was stolen. And I don't wanna do that again."

 

With that, he calmly drinks the beer, taking his time, before leaving. Outside, his horse is once more tied to the rail. As he's about to mount up, a small man comes out of the saloon.

 

"Mister, I've just gotta know. What did you do when your horse was stolen in Tombstone?"

 

The cowboy looks straight at the man, squinting against the sun, his hand resting on the butt of a pistol. "Ah had to walk home."

 

:zorro:

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Pablo   

Pablo
Posted
okay this one is going to get me banned i can see it now.

 

a three legged dog walks into a saloon in the old west, he shuffles slowly to the bar and climbs awkwardly upon the nearest stool.

leaning in toward the barkeep he drawls in a thick accent.

"ah'm lookin for the man, who shot ma paw."

*runs*

pete

 

I refuse to ban you for that. You should stay and suffer the consequences. ;)

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sledge   

Sledge
Posted

Q: Which cowboy can help you with personal finance?

A: The Loan Arranger.

 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through the desert when Tonto stops, jumps off his horse and puts his ear to the ground. After a few moments, he says "Many buffalo come this way." The Lone Ranger is amazed, and asks "How can you tell? Can you hear the vibrations through the ground?" Tonto gets up and says "No. Ear sticky."

 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto arrive outside a fort. Tonto again dismounts and presses his ear to the ground, then says "Inside fort are three hundred men with horses, wagons, and many weapons." The Lone Ranger again asks "How can you tell?" Tonto says "I can see under the gate."

 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto enter the fort. Worried the horses are too hot, The Lone Ranger tells Tonto to run round the horses to create a cooling breeze. He then goes to see the fort commander, to warn him of an imminent bandit attack. The commander is greatful and offers The Lone Ranger a drink. The Lone Ranger refuses, saying "I'd love to, but I've got to go. I left my injun running."

 

:zorro:

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Melonfish   

Melonfish
Posted

Two elephants fall of a cliff.

 

BOOM, BOOM!

 

 

sciency one.

 

An electron is out a courting an atom and keeps flying around the atom to get it's attention. Exasperated from all the attention, the atom asks, "Why do you persist in running these circles around me?" In reply the electron replies, "I'm strangely attracted to you."

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

DazJW   

DazJW
Posted

Wondering how his popularity was amongst the school kids, the American

President George W Bush visits a school.

 

After explaining a little bit about the Governmental Platform, he asks the

kids if they have any questions.

 

 

 

Bob raises his hand and says "I have 3 questions for you"

 

1. How did you manage to win the elections, even though you had less

votes?

2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without clear reasons?

3. Don't you thionk the Hiroshima bomb was the biggest act of

terrorism

in the world's history?

 

At this very moment the bell rings and all the kids run out of the

classroom. After the break, Bush tells the kids to feel free to ask him more

questions.

 

This time Joey raises his arm and says "I have 5 questions for you".

 

1. How did you manage to win the elections, even though you had less

votes?

2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without clear reasons?

3. Don't you thionk the Hiroshima bomb was the biggest act of

terrorism

in the world's history?

4. Why did the bell sound 20 minutes early today?

5. Where's Bob?

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

purplerabbit73   

purplerabbit73
Posted

Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?

A. Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

 

Q. What's hard and straight going in, soft and sticky coming out?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A. BUBBLE GUM!!

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sasquatch   

Sasquatch
Posted

So these three explorers are walking throught the jungle when they are captured by the natives. The leader of the tribe says that the explorers must be punished for tresspassing on their land. The leader offers the first explorer the option of death, or mobufu. The explorer chooses mobufu, and he is bent over a log and buttsechsed by the 10 strongest warriors. The next explorer also chooses mobufu over death, and is buttsechsed by the next 10 strongest warriors. The final explorer is offered either death, or mobufu, and says "F**k that, i choose death."

So the Tribe leader says "Okay, death...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

by MOBUFU!

 

-Jake

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

rifleman   

rifleman
Posted

Two men are shipwrecked and are washed up on an island inhabited by cannibals.

 

The shaman approaches the two men and says:

"If you complete a two part challenge, you will be safe and free to live amongst us. Fail and we'll kill you and eat you!"

 

"OK" reply the two men.

 

"First - you must each journey into the forest and collect 100 pieces of fruit and return here" says the shaman

 

The two men leave and two hours later the first one arrives back in camp with a leaf which holds 100 grapes.

 

"So what do I do now?" asks the man

 

"You must insert all one hundred pieces of fruit up your a**e, but if you laugh while doing it, you'll be killed and eaten"

 

The man then sticks the first grape up his bum and starts to smirk. He sticks the second grape up his bum and starts to giggle out loud.

 

"You do realise that you're going to be killed now, don't you?" asks the shaman

 

"Yes," replies the man "but I can't help it!"

 

""Why not?" the shaman says

 

"Because my mate's out there collecting pineapples!"

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites
Go To Topic Listing Humor and Jokes
×

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use and the use of session cookies.

  I accept