Jump to content

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

casey_cole

A sea-food based joke

Recommended Posts

Well I thought it was more corny than a fact, since some can get away with "what's sticky and gooey! BUBBLE GUM!"

 

Here's another one:

Did you hear about the cannibal who came home late for dinner?

 

His wife gave him the cold shoulder!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So two explorers fall upon a tribe of cannibals and are quickly captured and put in a cage near a pot full of boiling water while the natives prepared seasoning . One explorer whispers to the other "I'll get us out of this" and pulls out his Bic lighter from his pocket. He lights it in front of the cheif and says "LOOK! I bring the gift of instant fire!". The chief says " Wow that is impressive! You lit it on the first try!"

 

 

 

 

*runs*

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A duck walks into a bar one day at lunch time. He orders a beer and a ham sandwich. After several days of the same lunch order the bartender says "Never saw a duck eat lunch in here before." The duck replies, "Well get use to it. I'm working on the construction job across the street."

 

A few days later the circus comes to town and the ringmaster comes into the bar for lunch. The bartender tells him about the talking duck that drinks beer and eats sandwiches. The ringmaster asks the bartender to send the duck down to the circus for a job.

 

The next day the duck comes in and the bartender tells him about the job offer. The duck looks surprised and asks "The circus is where animals do tricks inside a big tent right?" The bartender agrees. The duck asks, "What the hell would they need with a drywaller?"

 

 

:rolleyes:

 

oh and another.. dunno if its QUITE pg13....

 

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tillie were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

 

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

 

Then Maude also had a stroke.

 

But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

 

 

one last one then i'll get out... :unsure:

 

There's this inflatable boy, see, and he goes to this inflatable school and, while there, finds himself having a really bad day. Bored with the lesson, he gets up and walks out of the inflatable classroom but, while walking down the corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster approaching him.

 

The inflatable boy pulls out a pin and punctures the inflatable headmaster before running out of the inflatbale school gates. Just as he gets past the gates, he thinks again, "I hate school", and once more pulls out his pin and pokes it into the inflatable school. He then runs as fast as his inflatable legs allow, all the way home and races into his inflatable bedroom.

 

A couple of hours later, his inflatable mother is knocking at his bedroom door and with her are the inflatable Police. Panicking, our inflatable boy yet again pulls out the pin and jabs it into himself. Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and, in the bed next to him, he sees the inflatable headmaster.

 

Shaking his deflated head - more in sorrow than in anger - the Headmaster gravely intones:

 

"You've let me down; you've let the school down, but worst of all, you've let yourself down."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Perhaps its time for a painfully obvious one,

 

3 blokes are in a pub, one says to the others,

 

"i was searching in my wifes handbag for a pen the other day, i found a pack of cigarettes, 10 years of marriage and i never knew she smoked!"

 

second one says

"i was searching my wifes handbag a little while ago for the car keys, i found a bottle of scotch. 15 years of marriage and i never knew she drank"

 

the last one says,

 

"i was looking in my wifes bag a while back for some tissues, and i found a pack of condoms, 20 years of marriage i never knew she had a cock!"

 

that was nice and american friendly.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A blind man walks into a bar with a dog, the owner says "Oi your not allowed that thing in here!"

 

The man replies, "Its ok, hes a guide dog!" so the owner says okay.

 

The blind man then picked the dog up by the collar and swings him around franticly.

 

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" says the owner

 

"just taking a look around"

 

That pained me.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

An Irish guy goes into a bar, he orders three pints of Guiness, goes over to the table and drinks them, an hour and a half later, he goes up again, gets three pints and sits down to drink them. And then he repeats the process.

 

This goes on for a couple of weeks until the barman felt compelled to ask

 

"why dont you get them one at a time? they'd be fresher then."

 

The man replies, "This is how me and my two brothers used to drink, one of whom is in Dublin, the other in Galway, this is how i remember them"

 

The Barman is touched by this and continues serving him.

 

This goes on for a while, and many people are touched by this gesture, he becomes quite famous for it.

 

Then one night he orders two pints of guiness.

 

the barman, looking perplexed, asks him

 

"oh god, has one of your brothers... you know... died..?"

 

The man replied, "oh no, but the doctors told me to give up drinking".

 

Slightly better.

 

 

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

I feel some one liners coming...

 

 

Where there's a will ... I want to be in it.

 

Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark

 

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

 

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses (Zzzzzing!)

 

When you're finally holding all the cards,

why does everyone else decide to play chess?

 

Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool!

 

Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.

 

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

 

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

 

You have the right to remain silent.

 

Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

 

Remember half the people you know are below average.

 

Despite the cost of living, it's still popular.

 

Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

 

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

 

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

 

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

 

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

 

My mind is like a steel trap: rusty and illegal in 37 states.

 

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

 

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and driving against traffic.

 

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

 

All good things in moderation ..... including moderation

 

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

 

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

 

43.3% of statistics are meaningless!

 

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

 

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

 

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

 

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

 

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

 

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

 

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

 

Help wanted telepathy: you know where to apply

 

Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.

 

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

 

Forget about World Peace...Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

 

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

 

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

 

Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.

 

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

 

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

 

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

 

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

 

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

 

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

 

I doubt, therefore I might be.

 

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

 

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

 

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

 

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

 

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

 

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Oh why not...

 

You know somethings wrong when the 3 most powerful men in America are called "Bush", "D!ck", and "Colon"

 

 

*breathes*

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Two old women, Jean and Dorothy, are sat on a bench, talking and smoking cigarettes. It starts to rain, and Jean grumbles about her cigarette getting wet, while Dorothy rummages in her handbag. She brings out a pack of condoms, and a pair of scissors. Jean looks at her, and asks her what the condoms are. Dorothy gets one out, cuts the end off with the scissors, and puts it over her cigarette, continuing to smoke it.

 

"They're for keeping my cigs dry when it rains" she explains. Jean is amazed at these fantastic things, asks where to get them, and is told the chemist stock them.

 

So later on in the day, Dorothy sees Jean talking to a paramedic outside the chemists. She goes over and asks what's happened, so Jean explains that the chemist has had a heart attack.

 

The paramedic says, "I'm not suprised, a lady of your age asking for condoms"

 

Jean looks at him, confused, and says

 

"That isn't when he had the heart attack. It was when he asked what kind I wanted, and I said I wanted some that would fit a camel"

 

 

:P

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Gold, Pure Gold.  Your wisdom is matched only by your handsome appearance!

 

Ummm... Thank you?

 

Oo Oo I remember...

 

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him what? A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis

 

Ha, ha, ha.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Three guys all die and go to heaven.

 

When they reach its gates, God informs them:

"Heaven is a bit full right now, so we are only accepting a third of the applicants. And, to spice things up, we are changing the criteria: the one of you with the most interesting death will get in."

 

So the first guy says:

"Alright, mine is pretty bad. I had suspected that my wife was cheating on me for quite a while. One day, I tried to catch her in the act. I went into my apartment, and heard the shower running, so I new something was up. I checked everywhere, but I could not find the ######! Then, I looked off of my balcony, and saw to hands hanging off. I stomped on them, and the guy fell 24 stories to the bottom. But he got lucky and landed on some bushes!!! Mad, I unplugged my refrigerator and threw it down on him! That finished him off! Then I got all depressed and shot myself...."

 

Second Guy:

"So I live on te 25th story of my building, and one day I fell off the balcony. Luckily, I caught myself. However, right when am trying to get up again, this guy comes out and stomps on my fingers!!!!! I fall all the way down, but luckily I land on some bushes. Then, right when I am about to get up, I look up to see a refridgerator Crush me!"

 

Third Guy:

"So imagine this: you're naked, and hiding in a refridgerator......"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Two men walk into a bar... the third one saw it coming!

 

---

 

Q. Whats the definition of mixed emotions?

 

 

A. You mother in law driving off of a cliff in your new car

 

---

 

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

 

---

 

The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began. "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

 

---

 

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in June, and left me $10,000." said the friend. "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000." The man looking concerned says, "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." The friend continues, "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months??? How sad!!!" "Then this month,..." continued, the friend, "Nothing! Not a single dime!"

 

---

 

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60." Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too expensive!" "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10." "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

 

---

 

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice that the girl knows just as much about the game as they do, and they're really impressed. After the game they ask her "how is it that you know so much about baseball?"

 

She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change." The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut off your penis?"

 

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

 

"Was it when they cut off your balls?"

 

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

 

"What was the most painful part?"

 

"The part that hurt the most was when they... cut my salary in half!"

 

thats it for now :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice that the girl knows just as much about the game as they do, and they're really impressed. After the game they ask her "how is it that you know so much about baseball?"

 

She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change." The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut off your penis?"

 

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

 

"Was it when they cut off your balls?"

 

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

 

"What was the most painful part?"

 

"The part that hurt the most was when they... cut my salary in half!"

 

In the words of the churchhill dog, " Oh Yes"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

×

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use and the use of session cookies.