Read + tell me what you think

[visionviper]

*CAUTION. POSSIBLY DEPRESSING STORY AHEAD*

 

I would like honest critiques. I am going to be turning this in to my english teacher, so I want this to be good.

 

Ordinary Day, written by Derek Held

 

It was an ordinary day on an ordinary military base. Martin arrived home from a day of working. He walked into his house towards the kitchen, put a black folder down on the counter and walked to his wife who was preparing dinner. He gave her a loving kiss, and asked her how she was feeling. She said she was doing great and that the baby had been kicking all day. Maria, Martin's wife, was a little over 8 months pregnant. She was due in only a few weeks. Martin sat down in the living room to read the daily newspaper while his wife finished dinner.

 

Maria called Martin into the dining room, saying dinner was ready. He came in and sat down. The expression on his face changed from the time he walked into the house, but Maria didn't notice. They said their prayers like they do every time before they eat dinner, and they started eating. For dinner was baked chicken. Mashed potatoes, and steamed green beans. It was a very satisfying dinner. While they ate, they spoke about current events, happenings of the day and other ordinary things. Maria noticed her husband's face now. He was wearing a very mellow face, but Maria didn't ask. She figured that if it was something important, he husband would tell her.

 

Then Martin spoke, in a very grave tone. He told Maria that they had to talk. She immediately started to worry. There was something wrong. She knew it. She was compelled to find out, but at the same time, she was afraid. She was 8 months pregnant, and the last thing she wanted was bad news.

 

“Maria, I am being shipped out to Iraq,” Martin uttered, in a low sorrowful tone.

“When do you leave?” asked Maria, tears starting to flow from here beautiful eyes.

“Tomorrow,” replied her husband.

“No... no... no no no no!” Tears started jetting from her eyes. “Not now, not now! They can't send you.”

“I wish that was the case, but I have to go.”

“Why, why now! I am about to have our son, you can't go now!” The tears were flowing faster.

“Maria,” Martin's eyes started to water, “please, don't make this any harder than it already is.”

“NO! I won't let you go, they can't take you now! Please don't go, I want you to be here, for our son. You can't go now, you just can't,” said Maria, her body starting to shake.

“Maria..”

“This isn't how it was supposed to be! This can't be happening!”

“Maria, please”

“Why? Why now? Why did they wait so long to send you?” Maria questioned.

“I don't know, but..” Maria cut him off by jumping out of her chair and wrapping her arms around her husband. They both fell to the soft carpet floor, crying in each other's arms, the beige carpet soaking up their falling tears.

 

It was the last time Maria saw or talked to her husband. Two uniformed men showed up to the hospital, 2 days after her child was born. They told her that her husband was killed in action the day prior. Maria's family was torn apart by a war nobody wanted. All she could do was cry.

[Holmes]

*sigh* So *fruitcage* true....

[Jagdraben]

1-You need to work on your punctuation. Namely the random ".." It's either three (in the midst of a sentence), or four or one (at the end of a sentence).

 

A sample of some more corrections:

“Maria,” Martin's eyes started to water. “Please, don't make this any harder than it already is.”

 

2-Re-write the last paragraph. The bit starting with, "It was the last time[...]". It feels like you're trying to make it a powerful ending paragraph, but it's just not doing it. Try making it shorter, more to the point. It feels more like you're dancing around the point, when you should (I think) be as sharp and violent about it as possible. It should be crisp, like a period at the end of an essay, the sound of a gunshot in a quiet night, and the clap of a casket slamming shut.

 

3-I think you should change the opening to, "Maria, I'm shipping out." And leave the location as vague as possible. That way, it becomes timeless. It could apply to Iraq, Vietnam, WWI, WWII, the Civil War, &c., as well as to any future conflict.

 

And a random thought: Re-write the whole thing with out looking at the original. It doesn't matter how different or how similar they are. Once you've done that, compare the two, see which one you like better, and which parts of which you like better, and try to amalgamate the two.

 

EDIT: Typo-daemons banished.

 

EDIT2: Waxed poetical.

 

EDIT3:

 

Also, you might consider sucker-punching the reader, in addition to the above ideas. Use irony, for instance, and have the wife and child die in labor. Or have the husband die in a training accident. Make the hopeful hopeful or resigned, rather than tearful. Try setting the reader up for you to hammer their heart in one direction and then, instead, hammer it from another, completely unexpected angle. All of the tears in the dialogue, IMHO, detracts from any power the end paragraph might have.

 

In other words, it's somewhat cliche as it is now.

[visionviper]

Jagdraben - thank you much.

[williamhorton]

I thought it was pretty good, and has the potential to be even better.

A few things to think about:

 

1. "Maria, Martin's wife, was a little over 8 months pregnant. She was due in only a few weeks" You seem to be saying the same thing twice here. I would go for just one, otherwise it is potentially patronising to the reader, assuming they don't know how long a woman is pregnant for.

 

2. "She was 8 months pregnant" (second time). The same again, we know she's eight months pregnant, and you don't need to be so specific. I think it would look better if you said "She was heavily pregnant."

 

3. I don't know if this was intended for literary effect, so I'll assume it isn't. Don't be offended if it was! You seem to use a lot of short sentences, just statements. Maybe try to develop them more (does the word limit allow for this?), or link them together. In my opinion it sounds a lot better. For example: " For dinner was baked chicken. Mashed potatoes, and steamed green beans. It was a very satisfying dinner." Is that supposed to be a list? I expect that is a typo, and should have a comma after "chicken", and an uncapitalised "m". But more to the point, consider having that, and others like it, as one sentence. You could use a relative clause, or you could use a comma , or my favourite, a semicolon. It is not very well worded at the beginning. I would say "For dinner they had...". Otherwise it sounds like you are explaining something ("For dinner was baked chicken.")

So the whole sentence should read: "For dinner they had baked chicken, mashed potatoes, and steamed green beans; it was a very satisfying meal."

 

4. "The expression on his face changed from the time he walked into the house, but Maria didn't notice." I think that should read "had changed".

5. "She said she was doing great", in an indirect statement, you need to have "that". She said that she was doing great", especially as you have done it afterwards, "and that the baby had been kicking all day." Remember to be consistent in style of grammar!

 

6. One last point, in English writing, small numbers (i.e. one to one hundred) should not be written in alphabetical form. For large numbers, the numerical form is accepted. You wrote "She was 8 months pregnant." I would change that to "eight".

 

Otherwise, it's pretty good (I couldn't do better: I am just good at grammar/punctuation; I am rubbish at English composition.)

 

EDIT: I forgot a full stop.

[Skarclaw]

Dunno how to describe it, but the start felt very rushed, not sure how else to put it.

 

Thanks.