ColDaz Posted January 25, 2005 Report Share Posted January 25, 2005 The Children are Our Future - A Chav Tale This is a story about the future of Britain and the wonderful people who will inhabit it and make the world a better place. This miraculous tale of the high society took place tonight, on my walk home from the gym and college. A bit weary from the workout and long day, I plodded along under the streetlights, a slight drizzle coming from overhead. I turn the corner, and about 50 yards infront of me, a group of three chav children, not likely to be older than 8, and not even as tall as my chest. The one in the middle, obviously the Alpha-Chav, leader of the delinquents, was wearing a burberry cap with an enormous, stiff peak, looking for all the world like a mini thug. In one hand he carried a toy - obvious from the plastic and fluresent orange tip - double barreled shotgun. Even at this distance, I could make out the shouts of 'Pow, Pow, *badgeress*!' with a slight Yankee accent reminding me in some way of the GTA games which these ... 'kids' for lack of a better word ... are easily a decade too young to have even heard of. To the delight of the public, and especially to the underlings who almost creamed at the obvious dominance of their superior future drug lord, he carried this on pointing it at who ever passed and even had the nerve to swagger (as best a child who hasn't gone through puberty can) up to a guy on a motorbike pulling out of a driveway, and putting the 'gun' close to his helmet and 'pow pow'-ing that 'biatch'. Lovely. Anyway, at about the 12th '*badgeress*' that got splattered on the pavement, and with the two underling slaves crawling over his back and arms in an attempt to look macho and 'ard, I, having a stride about the length of their bodies, happened to pass them. After several 'Pow, Pow, *badgeress*!' I had got a few meters away. And then, just to charm me some more and show his status as a tough guy, I'm bid a fond farewell with, 'Thats right, walk away, pow pow *badgeress*!'. Deciding, the little hard guy should be put in his place, I swivel around my 5 foot 11 self, and see the little git stick out his chest and lean back to a dangerous angle as he advances towards me expecting the *beep* he obviously had the upper hand over to bow down to his wishes and suck his little cock. All I could do was grin at the little boy as he pushed his puppy fat chest against my stomach. 'Yeh what?', he drawls in a dialect known commonly as 'Braunstone', 'Whot yu gunnah doo?'. Unable to resist, I lift a single finger and flick the burberry blasphemy off the back of his head. At the look of sheer horror on the scum's face, I turn round and continue home. Oh yes, that felt good. Now to continue my crusade against the evil demons of Burberryland, ruled over by master of all Chavs and Chavettes - What the hell was that noise?! Realising his position may be in danger as the rest of the Chavs backstep from the shamed one, he had lobbed his previous weapon of mass destruction to the pavement, which it then slid accross to clatter against the wall. Bedrift of his status symbols, and face as red as a baboons *albartroth*, the former Alpha Chav begins his charge to regain power among his pack. Puffing like my grandma up stairs, he displays his anger and power, just as he would in the wild. He gets as far as the chip shop when he realises he will be crushed as easily as a paper cup. Seeing the 'white of my eyes' as he 'went in for the kill' almost reduced him to tears, and not being supported by the greasy scum he had once ruled over, he quickly made a turn (as if it was his plan all along, of course) into the chippy. Huzzah! Victory. Haha, hopefully he will grow up to be a productive member of society, maybe even a dustbin man - *cough* read: Hygiene Technician - Trainee. Ah well, we can only hope. Hope you enjoyed this tale, look out for further installments as they gradually evolve into human beings. Lots of love, Darren Ruutel Link to post Share on other sites
ColDaz Posted January 25, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2005 PS: If anyone wants to copy this to another site, this is my personal work, if you want to copy it to another site or print it off, please inform/ask me first, and keep it as it is, without modifications. Thanks, Daz Link to post Share on other sites
ENGLISHFELLOW Posted January 25, 2005 Report Share Posted January 25, 2005 That seems familiar. I come from liverpool. enough said. Link to post Share on other sites
ColDaz Posted January 25, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2005 Wow, someone even bothered to read it... Just thought I'd post it, I thought it was hilarious. I couldn't help but laugh inwardly as I saw the git with his toy and me with a P90 and 'various other' sitting in my room... Link to post Share on other sites
recon Posted January 25, 2005 Report Share Posted January 25, 2005 so true so very true reminds me of yesterday when a chav in my school stops in front of me he says some bullshite as i turn round and he trying to look ard that kinda doesn't work when he is in year 9 im a year 11 he is less then half my size wot chance does he stand i might as well have kneed him in the face. Link to post Share on other sites
ENGLISHFELLOW Posted January 25, 2005 Report Share Posted January 25, 2005 I totally understand where you are coming from on this, and I found it funny yet true Link to post Share on other sites
ColDaz Posted January 25, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2005 Tut, the scum. Any more stories of the our delightfully inbred cousins? Link to post Share on other sites
eX127 Posted January 25, 2005 Report Share Posted January 25, 2005 It was very good of you to share this experience with us, however I feel somewhere on a very fine day they will all either convert into honest civilians or curl up and perish. Link to post Share on other sites
night hunter Posted January 25, 2005 Report Share Posted January 25, 2005 http://www.chavscum.co.uk/ Link to post Share on other sites
DarkLite Posted January 25, 2005 Report Share Posted January 25, 2005 You don't get chavs in Hong Kong, but you get Triad wannabes, which are almost the same, sans burberry and accent. They are usually small chinese boys who dye their hair in a repulsive brown/blonde combination and smoke and harass passerbys. Now, my tale happens in a shopping centre in Tseung Kwan O. I had just finished tieing my shoelaces when a pack of these Triad wannabes surrounded my and asked my in broken English to give him my wallet. Smiling, I stood up to my full 6'3" height and told them in Chinese: "Diu le" (F off). They all started to swear and curse whilst running away very quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
HaVoC Posted January 26, 2005 Report Share Posted January 26, 2005 Sounds like TaQ! Oops...did I say that out loud...?! PS - Only kidding, TaQ...please don't kill me... Link to post Share on other sites
WarMonger Posted January 26, 2005 Report Share Posted January 26, 2005 you think this chav buisness is getting bad in your country? take a trip over here to america, its nothing new, its been going on for the last decade. we dont call them chavs here but thats what they are. i think you can blame alot of it on rap, seems thats where they get thier most of thier "culture" and they will most likely end up dead, or in jail just like thier rap idols Link to post Share on other sites
Thomme Posted January 26, 2005 Report Share Posted January 26, 2005 you think this chav buisness is getting bad in your country? take a trip over here to america, its nothing new, its been going on for the last decade. we dont call them chavs here but thats what they are. i think you can blame alot of it on rap, seems thats where they get thier most of thier "culture" and they will most likely end up dead, or in jail just like thier rap idols <{POST_SNAPBACK}> um... it hasn't been a decade of "whiggers," and "wannabes," and "ganstas," up until the whole MTV hip-hop thing in 98-99, it wasn't at all bad, dude. Once Nelly came out, forget about it, it was rediculous. Qucik question, monger, how old are you? A couple of these kids tried pick-pocketing my friend, but he was wearing tight jeans and his jacket went down to the pockets, so, he totally cuaght them. Then they tried to muscle it out, but when I turned around and said, "what the hell's going on?" they just took off. The way I see it, more real gansta's aren't looking for trouble, they're looking to survive, the wannabe's want trouble. IE: the african-americans from the PJ's that got relocated are loud, crass, rude and aren't very good people, but, they don't start trouble with people for no reason. The african-americans that were born & raised and their friends that were born & raised in rich, upper-middle class Naperville are the trouble makers. A few of them were my friends until they went all, "gansta," and scared me. The white kids that think they're african-american or from the PJ's are the worst of all, though. Plus, these kids spoke perfect english until a few years ago, when suddenly, "give me your wallet," turned into, "gi' may yo wallet, hoe meee," it's quite a miraculous transformation. Link to post Share on other sites
Longhairedhippy Posted January 26, 2005 Report Share Posted January 26, 2005 i think we should just kill anyone younger than 14 and continue like that generation never happened. (half-kidding) Link to post Share on other sites
Banzai Posted January 26, 2005 Report Share Posted January 26, 2005 Congrats on beating up a child, your country thanks you Link to post Share on other sites
Jow Posted January 26, 2005 Report Share Posted January 26, 2005 It should be allowed if they're wearing burbery :/ Link to post Share on other sites
ColDaz Posted January 26, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 26, 2005 Lol, I never actually hurt the ... 'child'... I just flicked his cap off and scared him half to death! Daz Link to post Share on other sites
Spedz Posted January 26, 2005 Report Share Posted January 26, 2005 yes but you did hurt him well his pride that is ................................ I think the goverment should do something bout theese neds/scallies maybe exile them out of the country maybe send them to iraq ??? Link to post Share on other sites
ColDaz Posted January 26, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 26, 2005 We did that once. It was called Australia. Now, ok, that turned out great, even though it was inhabited by criminals and scum not wanted this side of the world. They grew to be some of the nicest people on Earth. Now, imagine this. A new country is formed to isolate these people from civilised humanity. In the town of Ned, we have some scum who can't be arsed to do anything, and without their sole income of thievery and dole, they die out. To the north, those inhabiting Scallyville decide to go to war 'coz them lot called me mam' and their 'ard enough to take over the south. But, the group known as Chavs, while very similar to the Scallies and Neds, has been secretly forming its own army of thugs. Their burberry armour glistens with the grease of McDonalds as they march north with molotovs and bricks. Ya know, I had a point to this, but dinners ready, be back later. Link to post Share on other sites
The Quarter-master Posted January 26, 2005 Report Share Posted January 26, 2005 Well done you deserve alot of stick *gives stick* down with Chavs!!! I have always wanted to take off one of their hats spit in it and place it back on their head!! how that would be funny. but hey, they dont really start on me. Link to post Share on other sites
ColDaz Posted January 26, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 26, 2005 "Well done you deserve alot of stick *gives stick*" Who does? Sorry, I'm confused. Link to post Share on other sites
The Quarter-master Posted January 26, 2005 Report Share Posted January 26, 2005 never mine!!! im lame like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Desolation mkII Posted January 26, 2005 Report Share Posted January 26, 2005 The worst and possibly thickest encounter with a Chav happened when we were making our A level media film, we were filming in the school yard during a lesson and it went something like this... I look around to check the shot, whilst looking one of the year 10 chavs (who is bunking off a lesson) passses into my general field of view Chav: oo da f*** are ya looking at desolation: what the hell, im just checkin the shots clear chav: dont get f***ing cheeky ya little f***ing *beep* desolation: what, what are you talking about? The chav steps right up to my face chav: oo da f*** do ya think ya talking to desolation: I would have thought it obvious that i'm talking to you chav: do ya want a f***ing slap, ill f***ing beat da s*** out of ya desolation: no you won't im twice as big as you and three years older, i have been properly nourished and don't don't have the lungs of a gnat due to smoking chav: Na man, ma f***ing brothers gunna come and git ya Desolation: I know your brother, he's in my year, he wouldent do that the chav steps right up and puts his face an inch from mine the stench of macdonalds, grease, tobacco and a certain illegle class C dug makes me quiesy chav: then i'll f***ing beat the f***ing s*** out of you. Desolation: your spitting in my eyes you filthy retch chav: Na, you dont f***ing say dat to me desolation: why are you doing this, none of my preceding actions have even come in close proximity to constituting this cascade of immoral and grammaticaly errored verbal maltreatment. chav: what the f*** did you just say This went on for a further 2 minutes and 12 seconds, until the chav got so confused by the big words that it may have actualy increased his base 150 word vocabulary. anyway, the great thing about this story is that my mate caught the entire thing on video, so a certain chav was expelled and escorted off the premisis by police and we now have one of the most amusing home videos known to man. ps. his brother didn't come and fight me Link to post Share on other sites
Un_FriendlyFire Posted January 26, 2005 Report Share Posted January 26, 2005 Lol no way you can post the video is there to show us all were not alone in having to stand up to greasy five year old kids with high pitched voices acting 'ard. Link to post Share on other sites
Desolation mkII Posted January 26, 2005 Report Share Posted January 26, 2005 I'll try post it as soon as the media teacher gives it to us Link to post Share on other sites
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