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Navy jokes

Mud Puppy

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Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, ' Royal Navy, Admiral, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons.'


After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, ' Royal Navy, Admiral, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges.'


After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, ‘Royal Navy, Chief Petty Officer, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.




Having just moved into his new office, a new Commander was sitting at his desk when a ‘Greenie’ (electrician)knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the Commander quickly picked up the phone, told the ‘Greenie’ to enter, and then said into the phone, 'Yes, Admiral, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.' Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young Rating, he asked, 'What do you want?'


'Nothing important, sir,' the ‘Greenie’ replied, 'I'm just here to link up your telephone.'




Officer: 'Matelot, do you have change for a pound?

Matelot: 'Sure, mate.'

Officer: 'That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again! Do you have change for a pound?'

Matelot: 'No, SIR!'




A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.


The Admiral shouted, 'Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!'


The Chief turned to his barber and said, 'Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'




'Well,' snarled the Naval Officer to the bewildered seaman, 'I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and ###### on my grave'.


'Not me, sir!' the seaman replied. 'Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!'

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  • 7 months later...

A crusty old Chief found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local (strictly women's) liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Chief for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"

"No," the Chief said, "just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Chief's short reply was, "Yep, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself."

The Chief just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The chief continued to stare at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

The Chief, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"


A crusty old battleship admiral died and found himself standing before Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Peter welcomed him warmly, "Come right in, Admiral! You've served your country well and you may enter Heaven!"

The admiral looked thru the gates and stepped up to Saint Peter, "Just one thing, sonny. I hope there's no Chiefs here. They are the rudest, most obnoxious variety of human ever, and if there are any of them here, I'm not going in; I'd rather go to the other place."

"Don't worry, admiral," said Saint Peter.

"No Chief has ever made it into Heaven.

You'll find none of 'em here."

So, the admiral goes on into Heaven. Moments later, he comes upon an amazing sight. It is a swaggering figure in a khakis, garrison cap cocked slightly on his head, a mostly empty bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand, and a beautiful woman on either arm.

Incensed, the admiral rushes back to Saint Peter and gets in his face."Hey! You said there were no Chiefs here!

So what the hell is THAT?!?"

"Don't worry, admiral," says Saint Peter gently. "That's God. He just THINKS he's a Chief."

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  • 9 months later...

A sailor is shocked to see a Marine emerge from the toilet having not washed his hands and challenges him, saying ; "In the Navy we're taught the strictest hygeine standards, washing your hands should be a reflex action"

To this the Marine relpies "In the Marine Corps we're taught not to on our hands"

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  • 1 month later...

Holy necropost!


4 paras are lost on exercise in the middle of nowhere in the worst weather for 30 years. They come across a river blocking their path and the first para, wanting to show off, takes a running jump but forgets about the extra GPMG ammo he is carrying, falls short into the river and is washed away.


While trying to work oh what to do one of the remaining 3 finds a lamp on the floor, gives it a polish and POOF, out pops a genie who says "right, as there are 3 of you and I can only give one wish each. Who's first?"


1 para steps forward and says "make me a Sapper please". A puff of smoke and the para is then wearing a Royal Engineers cap badge. He pulls out his PDA, does a few calculations and starts building a pole vault out of a tree branches. Unfortunately he forgets to work out how much weight it can hold and half way across SNAP, into the river he goes.


Then the second para steps forward and says "make me a drop short". Another puff of smoke and off he goes trying to make a slingshot with a nearby tree. Forgetting about the extra weight of the mortar baseplate he falls short and is washed away


The final para, feeling a little nervous, says "there is lots of water about so I want you to make me a bootneck". With a puff of smoke his beret turns green and he walks over the bridge singing life on an ocean wave

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