Crandall Posted March 5, 2005 Report Share Posted March 5, 2005 A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Have you got any bread?" The barman says no. The duck thinks for a moment, then says, "Ok, have you got any bread?" The barman again says no. The duck thinks for a moment, then says, "Ok, have you got any bread?" The barman is a little annoyed and says, "I just told you, NO." The duck thinks for a moment, then says, "Ok, have you got any bread?" The barman leans over the bar and says, "If you ask me one more time if I've got any bread, I'll nail your *fruitcage* beak to this bar. Understand?" The duck nods, thinks for a moment, then says, "Ok, have you got any nails?" The barman says, "No, I haven't." The duck says, "Ok, have you got any bread?" <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Already heard that one! Link to post Share on other sites
Sledge Posted March 5, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 5, 2005 Yeah, but it's good! Link to post Share on other sites
joeking27 Posted March 5, 2005 Report Share Posted March 5, 2005 Horse walks into bar. Barman asks "Why the long face?" Link to post Share on other sites
Banzai Posted March 6, 2005 Report Share Posted March 6, 2005 A chav walks out of a crack house. Link to post Share on other sites
doc_newstead Posted March 6, 2005 Report Share Posted March 6, 2005 Jamaican walks into a bar, orders something to eat. Barman comes back with two slices of bread, filled with cut up lager tins. The Jamaican rolls his eyes and says, "No mon, I said *bacon* sandwich" (I think that's a Lenny Henry joke) Link to post Share on other sites
DarkLite Posted March 6, 2005 Report Share Posted March 6, 2005 A man walks into a bar. He dies from injures to the head. BADUMTI-oh *fruitcage* it, I'll get my coat. Link to post Share on other sites
Dafool Posted March 6, 2005 Report Share Posted March 6, 2005 Monty python joke Man - My dog has no nose people- How does it smell ? Man - awful Link to post Share on other sites
Crandall Posted March 6, 2005 Report Share Posted March 6, 2005 Yeah, but it's good! <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Yes it was!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Crandall Posted March 7, 2005 Report Share Posted March 7, 2005 A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room. L. O. L. Link to post Share on other sites
HaVoC Posted March 7, 2005 Report Share Posted March 7, 2005 Awesome...yet awful...in a sickening sort of way... Link to post Share on other sites
Crandall Posted March 7, 2005 Report Share Posted March 7, 2005 I lollied s hard!!!!?!//shift//http://www.e-thug.net Link to post Share on other sites
Crandall Posted March 7, 2005 Report Share Posted March 7, 2005 I lollied so hard!!!!?!//shift//http://www.e-thug.net Link to post Share on other sites
Catchv22 Posted March 7, 2005 Report Share Posted March 7, 2005 That last one was awful... Ugh... Link to post Share on other sites
nuclear_darkness Posted March 10, 2005 Report Share Posted March 10, 2005 A man goes in a bar goes over to the barman and says "i bet you a fiver i can pee into that glass across the room" Barman thinks this should be funny and gives the man the go ahead The guy drops the kegs and fires away. This guy couldn't hit a barn door if it landed on top of him. He was hitting random people, he was getting it on the floor, the seats, the bar, the drink bottles, the cooler and even the barman! The barman thought this was hilarious and was almost crying he was laughing so hard. So the guy admits defeat and hands the barman a fiver and goes back to his mates. His mates were splitting their sides with laughter, the barman was confused so he goes over and asks the man what was so funny cos you just made a fool of yourself. The man smiles and looks and the barman and says "I bet my mates 100 quid each that i could pee all over you, your bar and your customers and you would still be laughing" Link to post Share on other sites
nuclear_darkness Posted March 10, 2005 Report Share Posted March 10, 2005 Sorry if this is distatseful. One day paddy irishman and paddy scotsman wanted to go out for a night on the town, but they both were broke. They put their money together and all they could get was 1.20. So paddy scotsman says he has an idea and takes the money and runs of. Two minutes later he comes back with a sausage. Right well go to a pub and have a few drinks. Then ill put this on my zipper and you can suck and it we should get thrown out. Fair enough thinks paddy irishman, so of they go into a pub and they get a few drinks. When it comes to payment time paddy scotsman puts on the sausage and paddy irishman sucks away. Sure enough the barman goes furious and kicks them both out. They think this amazing so they do it again and again until they have done it in almost every bar in town. Paddy irishman says "we have gone to almost every pub in town mate, where to now?", to which paddy scotsman replies "you have a bigger problem mate, I lost the sausage in the third pub!" Link to post Share on other sites
Kosac Posted March 10, 2005 Report Share Posted March 10, 2005 Ok a man walks into a bar and hes carrying a book. He sits down at the bar and the guy sitting next to him and bursts out crying. The first guy tries to comfort him and asks "whats wrong mate" The guy responds "o its just that book it reminds me of my dead parents." "how" the man asks "well they used to own a paper shop but they were killed when it blew away" Link to post Share on other sites
Jow Posted March 13, 2005 Report Share Posted March 13, 2005 ... Tumble Weed ... Link to post Share on other sites
Kosac Posted March 14, 2005 Report Share Posted March 14, 2005 Wow i killed off this thread pretty quick No more need for locking posts just tell my crappy joke that will close it Link to post Share on other sites
Banzai Posted March 16, 2005 Report Share Posted March 16, 2005 Monty python joke Man - My dog has no nose people- How does it smell ? Man - awful <{POST_SNAPBACK}> and now for something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT! *BOOM* Link to post Share on other sites
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