How to give a pill to a cat and a dog

[Fred]

I searched, but couldn't find this, so hopefully it isn't a repost =)

 

CAT:

 

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As the cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

 

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

 

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

 

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

 

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

 

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and vigorously rub cat's throat.

 

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

 

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

 

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

 

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

 

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

 

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

 

13) Tie the little @#!*#^~!'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty Pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

 

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

 

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

 

DOG: Wrap pill in bacon, cheese or peanut butter. Make him beg.

 

[James Kelly]

Very nice.

[thewallhitme]

... wer am lolz?

[joeking27]

You've obviously never tried to give a pill to a cat.

 

On another note, my friend's cat got her leg through her collar last week. Its sorted now, after something involving both oven and gardening gloves, and lots of plasters. He's on the look out for falconry gloves now.

[Desolation mkII]

He he. Cats are silly.

[Melonfish]

cats can be deadly when they want. we had a cat that was half feral, she was lovely to us and tried to claw the eyes out of everyone else

we did have to give her pills, especially when she was spayed, tbh we didn't have TOO much trouble, cradled in arms and pill went in and gone...after we held her mouth shut, she had a habit of spittnig them out.

 

the one that got us was the worming solutions, those ones that you squirt on the nape of the neck... she saw them coming and ran to hide. getting her to hold still whilst we put that on really was murder.

pete

 

[askeytheman]

Cats? I used to have a rabbit that ate through fences to escape..

 

We went on holiday and my neighbour decided to throw carrots over the fence to her, cos she'd bitten through her boots

 

Last i heard of it was someone from the other side of the village phoned us, saying she'd found my rabbit (missing notices posted about), it was under her wheelbarrow fighting off three cats.. we ran there, and found it gone, and bleeding cats..

 

I like to think its gone MORE feral now..

[rancidrambo]

I believe the original post has been published asThe Unadulterated Cat by Pratchett and Golliffe but it still holds true..

Had to take my cat to the vets today as he has spent the past week having sneezing fits (Not a hairball or grass coughing but proper sneezing). Left it as a cat thing until it sneezed a combination of cat snot and claret over me and the bed last night. Eventually conned him into the carrier (Fish sticks!) I got him to the vets, when the vet atempted to remove said cat from the box he ended up with 4" worth of parallel cuts down his arms. When I attempted to extract said cat I got the same.

 

Eventually the cat came out of its own accord (Box held perpendicular to table and shaken) and proceeded to wheeze at the vet. This may seem bad but this cat has never been able to mew properly since he had his balls cut off!

 

Eventually having cat out of box (Schrodinger would be proud!) he was examined. The vet turned his back and the cat then jumped across from the inspection table to the computer section and sprayed the computer (and vet!). I now have to take him back tomorrow for an op.

 

Do you think I need to mortgage my remaining kidney to pay for it?

[Mike_West]

Cats are strange and sometimes terrifying creatures.

Oh Jesus, my ribs... I laughed so hard I can barely move.

[thewallhitme]

You've obviously never tried to give a pill to a cat.

 

On another note, my friend's cat got her leg through her collar last week. Its sorted now, after something involving both oven and gardening gloves, and lots of plasters. He's on the look out for falconry gloves now.

 

actually, when living in Doha, we looked after 23 cats...23 at once... we had to give them alot of medicine because they had habbit of doing stupid things. normally you can get the medicine in a liquid solution, however for larger doses its available in pills. most of the time if you ask your vet there is liquid solution version that you either inject (not as hard as it sounds) into their food or the cat its self. putting it in the food often needs several doses.

[Desolation mkII]

this cat has never been able to mew properly since he had his balls cut off!

 

Tempted to sig that, but I don't have any space left.

[my_plague_666]

You've obviously never tried to give a pill to a cat.

 

i have. it was a similar experience. although somewhat quicker as we a. had 3 people, b. the cat had no means of escape from the house, and c. we were being tactical about it since the cat's pill taking was standing between us and another round of guitar hero

[Sputnack]

When i had to do this, the vet gave us this thing to put into the cats mouth that like actually shoved the pill down her throat =(

[Apocalypsemeow]

My dog eats anything, I'm pretty sure if I held the pill out he would snap it up and then go wash it down with a drink out of the toilet