Random Jokes

[Onechance]

They're two-part jokes.  You say the part that has the 'doesn't come back down' at the end, then you say a different joke or two, and then end with a joke that has the thing thrown up into the air as the punchline.  Read my post again (if you haven't already) and you'll see what I mean.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

Its sounds better if you actually tell it to someone face to face

[soap]

What did the german clockmaker say to the clock that only went 'tick, tick, tick'?

 

'Ve haff vays of making you tock!'

 

------------------------------------------------

 

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks -

"What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic syphilis, Sir!"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"

"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"

"Good man!" says the Major.

 

He goes to the next bed.

"What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic piles, Sir!"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"

"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"

"Good man!" says the Major.

 

He goes to the next bed.

"What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic gum disease, Sir!"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"

"What's your ambition?"

"To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two - Sir!"

 

 

-------------------------------------------------

 

Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior - there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drank."

 

"But we's privates," protests Junior.

"NO, we's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside

"Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."

"But, we's privates," says Junior.

"You blind, boy!" says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now!"

 

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

 

Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign."

 

Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

"Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?!"

 

"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates."

Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

theirs an irish man on his way up to liverpool to catch the ferry to ireland and he is running abit late, he gets to the port and explains his situation to the ferry attendant and the attendant says

'' i have been listening on the radio, you were very lucky to get here there wasa maniac going the wrong way up the motorway!!''

the irishman relplys

'' one of 'em, there were bloody hundreds of'em!!!!!!!''

 

------------------------------------------------------------------

 

two prawns calle djustin and christian wew talking about how bad it was being prawns and just as justin said htis a magical cod swims by and says

'' sorry i could not help to overhear you convosation, and you see i am a magical cod and can change that, how would you like to be a shark?''

justin jumps at the chance and with a swish of the cods tail he is turned into a shark.

immedaiatly all the fish around swim for the lives and justin has great fun for the first couple of days, swimming round and scaring fish but he soon realises that he has no friends so he goes to see christian and tries to explain his situation. christian seeing him coming swims into his house and shuts the door and refuses to come out and talk.

justin realing that he has no friends goes about trying to find cod and get turned back into a prawn, after a couple of days searching he finds cod and says that he has no friends because they are all scared of him, so cod taking pitty turns him back into a prawn.

justin swims as fast as he could to find christianand calls him as he is still hiding in his house,

'' christian come out and play!''

'' NO, you ar ea big sacry shark''

''not any more, I found cod and i am a prawn again christian!!!!!!!!!!''

[Vicks]

A dyslexic walks in to a bra.

 

Edit thought of a another:

 

 

What do you call postman pat when he's retired?

 

 

Pat.

[dannyboy]

A kid walks into the kitchen, and says to his mum,

 

"mummy, granny's got a prawn between her legs"

His mum looks baffled, and walks through into the living room, where granny is, asleep on the sofa. The kid walks back in, points at his grannys groin, and says,

 

"look mummy, there's the prawn"

She turns to him, and says, "that isn't a prawn son"

 

He looks at her, confused

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And says

 

"well, it tasted like one"

[Sledge]

What's Rupert The Bear's middle name?

The.

 

A man is driving down the road when he runs over a rabbit. As a vegetarian and animal lover, he's distraught. As he's looking at the rabbit another car stops and a priest gets out.

"What's wrong, my son?"

"Oh father, I've killed this helpless rabbit!"

"Hmm, I may be able to help."

With that, the priest goes back to his car and returns with a small bottle, from which he sprinkles some liquid on the rabbit. A few moments later, the rabbit gets up and hops away. After five feet, it stops, looks back and waves. Then it hops another five feet, stops, and waves. This continues until the rabbit disappears into the undergrowth.

"Oh, thank you father. Tell me, was that holy water?" the man asks.

"No my son. That was hair restorer with a permanent wave."

 

[dannyboy]

Bloke walks into a chemist, up to the counter, and asks for a packet of condoms.

 

The woman behind the counter says

"OK, what size are you?"

 

He looks at her confused

"Size?"

 

She sighs, and explains the new sizing method that's been introduced, not huge differences between the sizes, but it makes it comfier.

 

He still looks confused, so she says to him

"Go out in the back there, we have a way of finding your size."

 

He goes in the back, and finds a board with three slightly different sized holes in it. He hears the woman shout through to him,

"just stick it in the holes, see which one's the nicest fit."

 

 

Little does he know, the womans a nympho. She enters the room from a different door, and hides behind the board. When he sticks it through the first hole, she starts giving him a hand job. He moves on to the second hole, and she goes down on him. Then when he moves to the third hole, she bends over and takes it.

 

 

He walks back into the shop, looking very pleased with himself, and the woman re-enters through a different door. She smiles at him politely, and says

"So, what size are you then?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To which he says,

 

"*fruitcage* the condoms, how much for that board???"

[Sledge]

Two old women are sitting on a park bench smoking cigarettes when it starts to rain. As the first old woman curses, the second takes out a condom, snips the end off, fits it over her cigarette and carries on smoking.

"What's that?" the first asks.

"It's a wonderful thing. It's called a condom, you can get them in packs at the chemist."

The next day, the first old woman remembers this and goes into the chemists. Five minutes later, an ambulance is on the scene as the chemist has fainted and banged his head. Later on, the old woman is telling her friend the story.

"So why did he pass out?" the friend asks.

"I don't know. I went in and asked for some condoms."

"Was that when he fainted?"

"No, he asked what size I wanted. He fainted when I said I wanted ones that would fit a Camel."

 

[dannyboy]

Two old women are sitting on a park bench smoking cigarettes when it starts to rain. As the first old woman curses, the second takes out a condom, snips the end off, fits it over her cigarette and carries on smoking.

"What's that?" the first asks.

"It's a wonderful thing. It's called a condom, you can get them in packs at the chemist."

The next day, the first old woman remembers this and goes into the chemists. Five minutes later, an ambulance is on the scene as the chemist has fainted and banged his head. Later on, the old woman is telling her friend the story.

"So why did he pass out?" the friend asks.

"I don't know. I went in and asked for some condoms."

"Was that when he fainted?"

"No, he asked what size I wanted. He fainted when I said I wanted ones that would fit a Camel."

 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

 

LMFAO sledge

[soap]

How do you make a cat go woof?

 

cover it in petrol and throw a match at it!

 

--------------------------------------------

 

why do women have legs?

 

you've seen the mass snails make!

 

(if that one was too offensive please may a mod delete it!)

 

soap

[PariahWolf]

What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The child in my basement.

 

[Sledge]

Two men are made redundant from the same factory, so go to the Job Centre to sign on. There, they are told that unemployment benefit is paid depending on what sort of work they were doing most recently. The first man fills in the forms, and is told that, as an unskilled worker, he qualifies for £45 a week.

 

A week later, he's talking to his friend, who says he's getting £60 a week. Angry, the first man goes back to the Job Centre to find out what's going on. Finally, he gets to see someone and starts complaining.

"Well, sir, your friend was a skilled worker, so qualifies for more cash."

"But we worked next to each other!"

"Well, let me see." The advisor takes out the forms and says "Ah, here we are. We've got your last job listed as female underwear stitcher."

"That's right."

"And your friend was a diesel fitter."

"Bull *beep*! I stitched the knickers, then he'd put them on and say "Yup, diesel fitter."

 

[toyboy]

Whats long thin and smells of urine?

 

Pensioners doing the conga.

 

 

 

What have woman and pianos got in common?

 

When they aren't upright they're grand.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as different emotions e.g. fear etc. On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And the guy says, "I'm green with NV".

The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink".

 

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts. He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" She replies, "I'm tickled pink". The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party".

 

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing stark naked one with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the other with his knob stuck in a pear.

The host is really shocked and says, "What the hell are you doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?!?!

Paddy replies, "Well, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair"

[DirtyMoFo]

LMAO! nice ones T_B! hehehe

[RedRonin_CaptainLu]

If God made the upper parts of a women, who made the lower parts?

...

 

 

 

 

 

 

...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...

The Council, cos only they would put a play area near a sh*thole.

[Thechom]

These jokes are all very unpleasent, and I appologise if anyone is offended.

 

Why did Hitler kill himself,

He read his gas bill!

 

Whats pink, wrinkled and makes women cry out in the night?

Cot death!

 

Whats pink, red, and cant go through a revolving door?

A baby with a spear though it

 

Whats worse than finding a maggot in an apple,

seeing your cat run over!

[Fuser]

An irishman walks out of a bar.

 

-----------------

 

One afternoon, Johnny Alberts, the county's star receiver, is taking a stroll through town. All of a sudden, he hears screams coming from a house. He rushes over to find that an entire apartment has gone up in flames. A firefighter informs him that there is only one more person inside, but she refuses to leave before they save her cat. The lady's head is poking out of her window and she's screaming, "Not without Muffins! I'd rather die!" Johnny looks up and shouts, "Throw her to me, lady, I'm the star receiver on my team and I've never missed a pass." The woman looks uncertain but realizes that this is her only chance. With all of her might she heaves Muffins out of the eigth-story window.

The cat sails through the air and plummets towards the earth, and Johnny starts to run backwards. He pushes past eight people and finally runs up the hood of a car and jumps six feet to complete a spectacular one-handed catch in mid-air. Then he does a little dance, waves to the crowd, and spikes the cat into the ground.

 

-----------------

[Vicks]

Whats the difference between 20 school children and a Jaguar?

 

I don't have a Jaguar in my garage.

 

What do you after you've had a baby?

 

Put it's nappy back on.

 

Whats the difference between a baby and a freezer?

 

The freezer doesn't cry when you pack your meat into it.

 

 

Oh I could go on, but i've had my fill of sickening jokes for today.

[DirtyMoFo]

someo fyou guys are sick!.. keep em coming!

[sniper_boi]

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

 

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

 

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

 

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

 

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

 

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

 

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

 

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

 

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

 

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

 

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

 

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

 

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

 

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

 

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

 

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Sledge]

Woman goes to see here lawyer for a divorce. The lawyer says that should be fine, goes through the first few questions, then asks on what grounds she wants the divorce.

"I... I'd rather not say" she replies.

"I'm afraid it will be difficult, if not impossible, to get a divorce without some reason."

"Well you see, my husband is in the SAS."

"And...?"

"I really don't want to say."

"Is it that he's away for long periods of time?"

"Oh no, my father was in the army, so I knew what to expect and it doesn't bother me."

"Well, does he abuse you?"

"Oh no, he's as gentle as a lamb at home."

The lawyer proceeds to go through every problem he can think of, each one being denied. Finally, he snaps.

"Madam, I'm sorry your marriage is failing, but if you won't tell me why, I cannot help you!"

"Oh dear. You see... it's a little embarrassing, but our sex life isn't... he can't satisfy me."

"But your husband is in the SAS? Surely he should be at the peak of physical fitness?"

"Oh, he is."

"And is he not trained to function on his own, to learn, to get the job done no matter what?"

"Yes, all of those things. The problem is, they also taught him to get in and out without anyone noticing."

 

[soap]

lmao!! thats hilarious

 

soap

[Vicks]

Man goes to the vet with his dog.

 

Vet says " Im going to have to put this dog down"

 

"Why? Is he dieing" Replies the man.

 

" Nope, hes just to heavy!"

 

 

Edit: Mate just sent me a good one;

 

Back in the Swinging Sixties, Michael Caine is holding a big Showbiz party in his swanky new house.

 

Everyone who's anyone is there - top stars from the worlds of movies and music, fashion and art.

 

There's a feast of pints, the best wines that money can buy,oysters,champagne. Lennon and McCartney are helping themselves at the bar, Jim Morrison and his band are sitting on the couch singing "Light My Fire" and, over in the corner, George Peppard's getting very pally with Sophia Loren.

 

All's going really well, until Jim Morrison decides he's bored out of his skull, and wants to go home for an early night curled up with a good book.

 

"Oi, Jim," objects Michael Caine, "Party's just got started. How's about I get one of 'the ladies' to take you into the spare bedroom for a bit of the 'how's yer father'?"

 

"Fair play," nods Jim, "as long as she does the rest of the band too."

 

"Not a problem, Jim," smiles Michael, as he pulls a young dolly bird in close and whispers some instructions in her ear.

 

Half an hour later, the young lass is just wiping her chin, when in walks Ringo Starr from the Beatles.

 

"Alright, luv?" he drones, "Don't suppose you fancy extending that service to me, do you?"

 

The young woman thinks about this for a second, then says, "What the hell!" and proceeds to unzip Ringo's fly and get to work.

 

Ringo's having a grand time, until, mere moments before the end, the door opens and Michael Caine bursts in.

 

He grabs the young one by the back of the hair and slaps her hard across the face!

 

"Wh-what was that for?" she whimpers.

 

"I told you," Caine snarls.

 

"You're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off..."

[toyboy]

Haha, I'm gonna have to remember that one!

 

Graham

[Fuser]

A lady walks into a talent agent's office and tells him she has a new act. She explains that she is able to play the harmonica with her *beep*. The talent agent is shocked but curious.

"Okay, go ahead," he says.

She stands up on her chair, drops her skirt and shoves the harmonica into her vagina. Just as she begins to play, the talent agent's phone rings. He answers to find that it is his boss calling, and he shouts into the phone, "Just listen to this!" and holds the phone up to the woman's harmonica.

After a few seconds the talent agent puts the phone back to his ear. "So? What do you think?"

And his boss replies, "Sounds like a *beep* playing a harmonica!"

[sniper_boi]

What's blue and orange and lays at the bottom of the pool?

 

A baby with burst armbands

 

 

Whats green and orange?

 

The same baby from last month.