aimpoint Posted September 14, 2004 Report Share Posted September 14, 2004 i cant take credit for this cuz i found it on the ukan forms but its so good thought i could put it on here as well 10 Rules for Dating my Daughter Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waistline. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing some kind of “barrier method" can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early." Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating my daughter. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, a backhoe, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. Or a fighter jet over the desert in Kuwait. When my Agent Orange or other things I have been exposed to start acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. I did not suggest that you should have these rules tattooed onto your arm, I mearly pointed out that ink may not be appropriate as it can wash off, and that my branding iron set may be more effective Link to post Share on other sites
sp00n Posted September 14, 2004 Report Share Posted September 14, 2004 Laff. Link to post Share on other sites
rhino Posted September 14, 2004 Report Share Posted September 14, 2004 I remember something similar to this. Some of the oldies might vaguely remember back around 1990-ish that every friday there used to be a programme on BBC2 at 21:00pm called "Ghost Train". The host was some guy who was dressed up like a demon who used to host the show which started off with a short movie/cartoon which then led onto Kolchack: The Night Stalker followed by a couple of late night horror movies. Getting back to the point (stop yawning!) one of the short movies was entitled "Giving up Smoking" in which the cartoon guy (aided by the narration of the guy who did the original Garfield cartoon voice) tried to use a step by step guide to kicking the habit. These varied from having a Sumo wrestler dropped on him (persuasive method) to hiding them (in a blender? You know what happens next don't you!) I'll see if i can find the full list but if anyone remembers it then please refresh my memory. Link to post Share on other sites
MAKKOO Posted September 15, 2004 Report Share Posted September 15, 2004 That was really funny!!! Kind's of remind me my wife's dad... Link to post Share on other sites
destrukto Posted September 16, 2004 Report Share Posted September 16, 2004 Classic, almost sounds like something my family would do Link to post Share on other sites
Redcap Posted September 16, 2004 Report Share Posted September 16, 2004 has someone, perhaps, been sniffing at the script to "meet the family"? lol Excelent, btw Link to post Share on other sites
TMC Posted September 16, 2004 Report Share Posted September 16, 2004 If I were a girl, and my dad was like this, I'd kick him in the happy-sacks. Great laugh, though. Link to post Share on other sites
snake_goth Posted September 17, 2004 Report Share Posted September 17, 2004 that was gr8, I'v only had one date with a girl who's dad was like that Link to post Share on other sites
joeking27 Posted September 17, 2004 Report Share Posted September 17, 2004 10 reasons why I'm not having kids Link to post Share on other sites
Tripod Posted September 18, 2004 Report Share Posted September 18, 2004 that was gr8, I'v only had one date with a girl who's dad was like that <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Or have you only had just one date? I shouldn't be talking though haha! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 3, 2004 Report Share Posted November 3, 2004 Not really in my family, my dad is a bit to wussy, I dislike my sister and often find no better pleasure than berating her for being a soulless beast but I am over protective of her. I did come home to find a boy waiting for her once and almost went sort of scary ballistic on him till I got close and saw it was actually a girl who was waiting for her so they could go to their damned annoying new agey christian group thing and then come home and try and indoctrinate me. But damn that girl looked like a boy. I'd just gotten my head shaved to a number two cut and this person had pretty much the same hair style and about the same amount of stubble, and a complete lack of feminate curvature. Still, can't wait for it to really happen to be able to go ape sheeit at someone, its fun to be scary. Plus it helps I'm usually over a foot taller than most of her friends/year. Link to post Share on other sites
Spedz Posted November 3, 2004 Report Share Posted November 3, 2004 classic turely a classic Link to post Share on other sites
Pegasus 1 Posted November 3, 2004 Report Share Posted November 3, 2004 I have a shotgun, a shovel, a backhoe, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. LOL Link to post Share on other sites
HaVoC Posted November 3, 2004 Report Share Posted November 3, 2004 ROFL still a classic. Link to post Share on other sites
snip3r Posted November 5, 2004 Report Share Posted November 5, 2004 superb m8 made even my mum luagh (9) Link to post Share on other sites
Zeropositive Posted November 27, 2004 Report Share Posted November 27, 2004 reminds me why I never go to my gfs place to pick her up.... Link to post Share on other sites
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