Woodco Posted December 26, 2006 Report Share Posted December 26, 2006 funny sayings that would by good on t-shirts It's all fun and games until some one looses an eye, then it's just fun. I tried to contain myself, but I escaped. Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? Never buy a pitbull from a one armed man. The reason some people are alive is simply because it's against the law to kill them. For every action, there is an equal but opposite Government program. Never trust a proctologist with both hands on your shoulders. Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by again? A fool and his money are soon ... Hey! Where's my wallet? A penny saved may be a penny earned, but it's a waste of a deposit slip and it really ###### off the tellers. I may be schizophrenic, but at least I'll always have each other. Blessed is the person who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!" I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left. If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? Me, getting smart with you? How would you know? I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager. My Reality Check bounced. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger near the escape key. I have not yet begun to procrastinate. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. I don't suffer from stress. I'm merely a carrier. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never divulge everything you know. I'd explain it to you, but your brain might explode. Tell me what you need, and I'll explain how you can get along without it. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. Someday we'll look back on all this and while we're looking, we'll plow into a parked car. It's a little known fact that the Dark Ages were caused by the Y1K problem. A day without sunshine is like, night On the other hand, you have different fingers. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Remember half the people you know are below average. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. He who laughs last thinks slowest. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. No one is listening until you make a mistake. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. Two wrongs are only the beginning. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Change is inevitable except from vending machines. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade! Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow. Always try to be modest and be proud of it! If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand ... Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. Link to post Share on other sites
sekiryu Posted December 26, 2006 Report Share Posted December 26, 2006 Some of those are so true. Link to post Share on other sites
clmwrx Posted December 27, 2006 Report Share Posted December 27, 2006 "The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread." Why does it have to be so? Link to post Share on other sites
dannyboy Posted December 27, 2006 Report Share Posted December 27, 2006 Am I missing something? Where are the funnies? Link to post Share on other sites
AirsoftEngineer Posted December 27, 2006 Report Share Posted December 27, 2006 On a t shirt, eh? How about "Stop rape. Say yes" (taken from bash.org) Link to post Share on other sites
Blackwire Posted December 27, 2006 Report Share Posted December 27, 2006 On a t shirt, eh? How about "Stop rape. Say yes" (taken from bash.org) <{POST_SNAPBACK}> ROFL!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Melonfish Posted December 27, 2006 Report Share Posted December 27, 2006 this morning i accidentily ran over my boss - twice... gone crazy, back soon. (for a girls skinny t) keep staring, they'll get bigger. ah, you and THAT army... Me FTW! yay me pete Link to post Share on other sites
evilliboba Posted December 27, 2006 Report Share Posted December 27, 2006 I'd explain it to you, but your brain might explode. My favorite quote! Link to post Share on other sites
Woodco Posted December 28, 2006 Author Report Share Posted December 28, 2006 Memorize them and you will be concidered brilliant Link to post Share on other sites
Blackwire Posted December 28, 2006 Report Share Posted December 28, 2006 "meat is murder, tasty tasty murder". for all you smiths fans out there.. i apoligise. Link to post Share on other sites
Woodco Posted December 28, 2006 Author Report Share Posted December 28, 2006 "The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread." Why does it have to be so? <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Ever tryed spreading cold, hard butter on a nice piece of warm, soft bread? End result: Mess Link to post Share on other sites
Desolation mkII Posted December 29, 2006 Report Share Posted December 29, 2006 It's all fun and games until some one looses an eye, then it's just fun. Is it not?... "It's all fun and games until someone looses an eye. Then its all fun and games annd you can't see" It was in Misfit's sig about 2 years ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Rhodekill Posted December 30, 2006 Report Share Posted December 30, 2006 Last night I played poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. There are a bunch of dumb quotes on dumb.com, like "You guys line up alphabetically by height." - Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach "I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." - Britney Spears, Pop Singer (keep in mind she lives in the US) "I cannot tell you how grateful I am -- I am filled with humidity." - Gib Lewis, speaker of the Texas House "Pitching is 80% of the game. The other half is hitting and fielding." - Mickey Rivers, baseball player Link to post Share on other sites
tom lawson Posted December 30, 2006 Report Share Posted December 30, 2006 i'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy..... Link to post Share on other sites
Chris North Posted December 31, 2006 Report Share Posted December 31, 2006 Taken from some ones sig on another forum, but he says "Only poopies and self important morons quote themselves in their sig." Ha ha. The curse filter made it "poopies". Strangely entertaining at 4 am. Link to post Share on other sites
Tinkerton Posted December 31, 2006 Report Share Posted December 31, 2006 a few are funny.... but I may be schizophrenic, but at least I'll always have each other. is just broken. Schizophrenia ISN'T the condition of having multiple personalities. that's called Multiple Personality Disorder. the google definitions of 'Schizophrenia' are as thusly follows: A mental illness in which the person suffers from distorted thinking, hallucinations, and a reduced ability to feel normal emotions. One of the most complex of all mental health disorders; involves a severe, chronic, and disabling disturbance of the brain. A group of severe mental disorders characterized by disturbances of language and communication; thought disturbances that may involve distortion of reality, misperceptions, delusions and hallucinations; mood changes and withdrawn, regressive, or bizarre behavior, lasting longer than six months. A psychotic disorder characterized in the active phase by hallucinations, delusions, disorganized thoughts/speech, disorganized or catatonic behavior, and apathy among others. just thought i'd point it out Link to post Share on other sites
rifleman Posted December 31, 2006 Report Share Posted December 31, 2006 A few more: I'd rather be told "Have a Nice Day!" by someone who doesn't mean it than "F**k Off!" by someone who does. An apple a day keeps the doctor away - but only if he walks slowly and your aim is very good. If at first you don't succeed then free-fall parachuting is probably not the sport for you. Having sex is like breathing air - everything's fine until you're not getting any. Two wrongs don't make a right - but two Wrights made an aeroplane. Link to post Share on other sites
Woodco Posted February 6, 2007 Author Report Share Posted February 6, 2007 Clinton in his appology: " I never did anything wrong, but I tell you, I will never do it again" Link to post Share on other sites
sekiryu Posted February 6, 2007 Report Share Posted February 6, 2007 And people say Bush is a bad president... Link to post Share on other sites
Jagdraben Posted February 6, 2007 Report Share Posted February 6, 2007 It's all fun and games until someone gets an STD. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Fixed. ® Link to post Share on other sites
joeking27 Posted February 6, 2007 Report Share Posted February 6, 2007 a few are funny.... but is just broken. Schizophrenia ISN'T the condition of having multiple personalities. that's called Multiple Personality Disorder. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Almost, but not quite. Dissociative Identify Disorder is what its called now, what with it not being a personality disorder. There's usually nothing wrong with the personalities, just there's more than one. Link to post Share on other sites
Woodco Posted February 6, 2007 Author Report Share Posted February 6, 2007 And people say Bush is a bad president... <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Bush is on the lower end of an "Ok" president, but compared to the one he succeded, he isn't that bad. Link to post Share on other sites
amateurstuntman Posted February 6, 2007 Report Share Posted February 6, 2007 Most of those one liners are from stephen wright's act. my favourite of his is: "I put a skylight in my flat, the people who live above me were furious." I like. I don't think so How many bacteria does it take to change a lightbulb? 1. No, 2 no, 4 no, 8 no, 16 no, 32, 64, 128, 256, 512... Stunt Link to post Share on other sites
DrewLawson Posted February 7, 2007 Report Share Posted February 7, 2007 Or use this variation: "It's all fun and games until some one looses an eye, then it's just fun without depth perception." or a couple of Dave Mustaine quotes to make people go WTF. "Even though I've found God, I still love blow jobs, and I still say *fruitcage*." "If you guys are going to be throwing beer bottles at us, at least make sure they're full." “Life, death, sex; what else is there? A beer maybe." "No matter how beautiful a girl is, she still *suitcases*." "If you've never had them, it feels like getting a porcupine pulled backwards through your ######" (On Kidney stones) "I think I'd make a better president than George Bush. I'll tell you what, George Bush and ###### Cheney have been to jail more times than I have, and I used to shoot heroin, now what does that tell you?" Link to post Share on other sites
Jagdraben Posted February 7, 2007 Report Share Posted February 7, 2007 That George Bush and Richard Cheney aren't as good at hiding their crimes? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.