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I've had 4 telemarketers phone me up at home today. I have no idea how they get my number, and it's starting to drive me up the wall! :angry:


Anway, if anyone else has this problem, there are a few things you can do to at least cheer yourself up and make it a more enjoyable experience...

  • If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could really use some money.
  • If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my girlfriend has just left me, my dog just died, Arnie's Airsoft is down, etc..."
  • If they say they're John Smith from BlahBlah Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc...
    Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as it takes for them to hang up.
  • Warning: Only attempt this one if you are male!
    Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Janet and I'm with the BlahBlah Insurance Company, and I'd like to just ask you a few questions about your home insurance, is that ok?"
    You: Wait for a few seconds and with a husky voice ask "What are you wearing?". If they're brave enough to stay on the line or keep chatting, follow it up with "I'm COMPLETELY NAKED you know".
  • Cry out in surprise, "Janet? Is that you? Oh my God! Janet, it's been ages! How have you been?" Hopefully, this will give poor old Janet a few moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from. Keep up the act for as long as you can until she rumbles you.
  • Say "No" over and over, once every second, even if they are speaking. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo. I've never tried this one personally, but I'm sure it could be funny, especially if they are calling you for the second time that day.
  • If BT calls trying to get you to sign up for the Friends and Family Discount Scheme, reply in a calm and sinister voice, "I don't have any friends. Would you be my friend? Please? You sound really nice."
  • If it is a carpet cleaning company, respond with "Can you get out blood? Can you get out Goat blood? How about human blood? What if there's a lot of it?"
  • Upon answering the phone, as soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down on the table, take two paces away and say "oh my god. OH MY GOD! He's here! He's in my house!!! Aaaaaaaarrrrggghhh!!!!!". Leave a few seconds of silence and then calmly hang up.
  • Note: This one doesn't always work, but when it does, it gets your point across.
    Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back later. When the Telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their home numbers say, "Oh sorry, I bet you don't want strangers calling you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will sometimes agree, to which you reply "Neither do I". Hang up.
  • Ask them to repeat EVERYTHING they say, several times.
  • If you are eating at the time they call (this really annoys me), tell them that you've got your mouth full at the moment and would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food really loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. If no-one is there with you, have an in-depth conversation with your fork.
  • Tell the Telemarketer you are under "house arrest" and ask if they could bring you some beer, a pack of smokes and a large woman who doesn't charge too much.
  • Tell them you're REALLY interested and ask them to fax the information to you. Just make up a number.
  • Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But you should probably be aware - I'm not wearing any clothes".
  • Insist that the caller is really your buddy Dave, playing a joke. "Come on, Dave, cut it out! I know it's you mate. Seriously though Dave, how's your sister? Is she still suffering with her rickets?"
  • Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up. Louder.... Louder...... LOUDER!!!!! (See how long you can keep it up, and how loud you can make them yell down the phone). This one can have you in stitches. :) (Note: This one lasts a lot longer if you talk quietly and in a frail voice).
  • Tell them to talk very very slowly, because you want to write every word down. Insist on going back to simple words and making sure they spell it for you.

I have a feeling they'll stop calling me soon ;)



IMPORTANT NOTE: No telemarketers were harmed in the making of this thread. :unsure:

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Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back later. When the Telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their home numbers say, "Oh sorry, I bet you don't want strangers calling you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will sometimes agree, to which you reply "Neither do I". Hang up.


I do believe I've found my new screener. :D

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There is an advertisement on our local television for tea bags.


Women comes in from shopping, gets a call from double glazing agent. She gets a childs wind up toy that plays a simple music tune (like hold music) puts it by the phone and says "your call is important to me please hold" she goes away has a cup of tea and comes back and says the same thing again..classic, thats what I would do !

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One time, an Indian one phoned me. You know, the companies that outsource work to random countries, sacking people in this country so they can make big money by exploiting poor Indian folks to do the same work for a fraction of the wages?


He was telling me about life insurance and stuff. I told him that I agreed with him. "My friend had an Xbox fall on him from 20ft and it gave him brain damage. He now wears a nappy and spends all his time in a wheelchair." he went "ok".


Near the end of the conversation, just before he wanted my Address and the like, I started screaming in pain, and then I went "I.. I REALLY NEED... TO TAKE UP YOUR OFFER... MY HEART... OH JESUS... MY ADDRESS IS: C-CRESENT HOUSE... MAIN STRE-- *thud*"


"Hello sir?"


I am evil.

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I had some dumbass ring me and try to offer me new PVC windows.. told him I didn't have any windows. :)


Oh.. then had some recording telling me that I'd definately won a trip to the Caribbean all I had to do was ring this 0900 number to claim it. Even if I thought it was for real.. those islands are not exactly on my list of places that I have to visit right now.

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i like the ones where they say you've won £100,000 and to claim it instantly, you have to send them a cheque for £55!!! The best one i had has to be when i lived in my flat. Standard council law states that in any building that has more than 2 or 3 floors cannot be fitted with gas for safety reasons. I spent half an hour trying to tell the woman this and she finally gave up when i told her that i had more important things to do like living...

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Tell them to hang on a second and go do something else for 15 minutes or something, cos apparently their not actually allowed to hang up first, so run up their phone bill!

My mate once spent like 20 minutes just going along with them but not actually agreeing to anything and questioning them at anything that sounds stupid, like they asked him for his postcode and he wanted to know why, they said it didn't matter they had it on the screen in front of them, so he asked what they wanted him to say it again for.

I normally just tell them to stick it up their *albartroth* if i cant hear more than one voice in the back round.

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snak goth, i got a friend who has done pretty much the same thing. anways we were hanging out, and a telemarketer calls. so, we pull out his 200 wat amp, and start playing thrice with the amp on ten and earplugs in. it was so funny, because we asked them to hold, and then just started suddenly. it was so funny because we could hear the guy at the end screaming about his ears

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My parents went out for a brief moment today when a bloke trying to sell the ol' double-glazing rang up. I remembered this thread and decided to ask him what benefit double-glazing would have because I usually glazed my ham joints with honey and it tasted good enough for me :P


Hence he spent 10 minutes explaining what double-glazing was, trying to avoid my constant food-related questions.


Eventually I just said "Oh right, I've already got some of them! Ain't that odd!" and hung up :P

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  • 10 months later...
Pizza places are wierd, they answer the phone with "How can I help you?"


I want life insurance you stupid bint :angry: Just take my order for pizza.

Lol if u look at the bottom of the main jokes page u find a suspiciously similar topic as the irritate a tellemareter one with the same ideas in a different order. Rumbled some would say but not I (hah always wnated to say that) nah well doen for putting it up thats all i say. Ive asked for a cheese and tomato pizza with no cheese or tomato and could the go easy on the base but thats all (ive only ordered myself about twice lol.

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