jack10 Posted August 20, 2007 Report Share Posted August 20, 2007 99 blondes 1 brunette hanging over a cliff on a piece of rope, the rope can only hold 99 people so the brunette lets go of the rope to save all the blondes the blondes are so amazed by her kindness so they all start clapping Link to post Share on other sites
my_plague_666 Posted August 20, 2007 Report Share Posted August 20, 2007 im pretty sure its meant to be the brunette makes a heartfelt speach about how she will sacrifice herself for the greater good. Link to post Share on other sites
twiglet Posted August 21, 2007 Report Share Posted August 21, 2007 I went to the a zoo the other day, there was only a dog in it..... it was a shitzu! Link to post Share on other sites
dannyboy Posted August 23, 2007 Report Share Posted August 23, 2007 While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against it. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?" "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You've gotta be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?" Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, and then stripped him naked and left. Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?" He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said: "This just ain't gonna be your day, cup cake" Link to post Share on other sites
tank423 Posted August 24, 2007 Report Share Posted August 24, 2007 how do you make a horemone??? dont pay her Link to post Share on other sites
kommissarboris Posted August 24, 2007 Report Share Posted August 24, 2007 4 soldiers escape from a german POW camp, but are soon recaptured, one happens to be scottish, one welsh one english and the other american. the german officer in charge of the camp tells them they will be shot the next morning as an example to the other prisoners, but allows each one, one last request... the scots man asks that all the other scottish prisoners be rounded up and sing scotland the brave before he's executed, the german agrees. next the welsh man is brought forward and asked for his last request, he asks that all the welsh soldiers be rounded up and sing Mae Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau just as hes executed, the german again agrees. the american strolls up and again is asked what he wants for his last request, he asks in turn for all the american soldiers to be rounded up for his execution and sing the stars and stripes. the english man then steps forward, and is asked by the german what his last request is, the english man simply replies, "can i be shot first." Link to post Share on other sites
dannyboy Posted August 24, 2007 Report Share Posted August 24, 2007 What? Link to post Share on other sites
my_plague_666 Posted August 24, 2007 Report Share Posted August 24, 2007 While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against it. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?" "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You've gotta be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?" Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, and then stripped him naked and left. Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?" He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said: "This just ain't gonna be your day, cup cake" <{POST_SNAPBACK}> wrong...but very funny Link to post Share on other sites
Night_raven Posted August 24, 2007 Report Share Posted August 24, 2007 Q. Whats the definition of Macho? A. Jogging home after a Vasectomy. Link to post Share on other sites
amateurstuntman Posted August 24, 2007 Report Share Posted August 24, 2007 Three cowboys are sitting around the campfire telling stories. The first says " I once broke my collar bone and rode the trail for two weeks to bring the cattle in" The second says "I once rode a month with a broken leg and a bullet in me" The last says nothing, he just sits there stirring the embers... with his johnson Link to post Share on other sites
suicidalsnowman Posted August 24, 2007 Report Share Posted August 24, 2007 This just reminded me of someone from my old school whom the only reply he could think of to "your mum sucks my cock" was I "I sucked your mum's cock", still remember that, most people there literally fell on the floor laughing. Link to post Share on other sites
Slash' Posted August 28, 2007 Report Share Posted August 28, 2007 Did any of you ever hear the one about the agnostic, the dyslexic and the insomniac who stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog? Link to post Share on other sites
5370H55V Posted September 23, 2007 Report Share Posted September 23, 2007 Here's a topper: It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "Sh*t!" said the hypnotist. It took three weeks to clean up the theatre. Link to post Share on other sites
Ki Adimonky Posted September 23, 2007 Report Share Posted September 23, 2007 Good one Link to post Share on other sites
Sh0ty Posted September 23, 2007 Report Share Posted September 23, 2007 A man and his wife were getting ready to have sex on their wedding night. Before this, they have never seen the other naked or have had any sexual encounters with each other thus far. The wife tells her new husband "take off your socks" He does so and she notices a horrible, gross and swollen toe. She asks "what happened to your toe?" "Toelio" he replied. "Don't you mean polio?" she asked. "No, it was a very localized case of polio" He replied. "Oh, ok" she said. She then tells him to remove his pants, and then notices that his knee looked odd. "What happened to your knee?" she asked. "I had the kneesles" he replied. "Don't you mean measles?" she asked. "No, it was very localized, just to the knee" he said. She accepted that as true, so she asked him to remove his boxers. She than said "don't tell me, small cox" -Sh0ty Link to post Share on other sites
Night_raven Posted September 25, 2007 Report Share Posted September 25, 2007 Did you hear the joke about the Dyslexic Dwarf? Actually i better not, it's not big an it's not clever. Link to post Share on other sites
xKingSizex Posted September 30, 2007 Report Share Posted September 30, 2007 So a leper walks in to the doctor's office in a great panic. Leper: Doc! I have a problem, when I lost a finger it was no big deal. When I lost my left ear, I really didn't care. But Doc, now my penis has fallen off...you have to help me. Doctor: Calm down Mr. Jones, we have some brand new procedures in place and we are able to start replacing lost apendages. Leper: Oh this is great news Doc! Doctor: Yes, I just need the penis...did you bring it with you? Leper: Yes Doc, it's right here in my shirt pocket. So the doctor reaches in to his pocket... Doctor: Mr. Jones, I hate to break this to you but this is only a cigar. Leper: Oh ######! I smoked my cock! Link to post Share on other sites
Beilmann Posted October 1, 2007 Report Share Posted October 1, 2007 Why is it that a woman with big boobs can work at Hooters, but a woman whit one leg can't work at I-Hop Link to post Share on other sites
The Badger Posted October 2, 2007 Report Share Posted October 2, 2007 The Badger will add his single joke to the pile. An Englishman, a Saudi man and a Frenchman run out of a bar in Iraq, and proceed to run down the street shouting and making a general nuisance of themselves. Eventually the Iraqi police capture them and put them before a judge. The Judge says "Do any of you realize the punishment in Iraq for public drunkenness? It is ten lashes, but seeing as you are foreigners i will grant you one wish each." The Saudi man is the first to be whipped so he says "please tie a pillow to my back" The judge agrees so a pillow is tied to his back. After five lashes the pillow disintegrates and the Saudi man takes the remaining five lashes to the back, he falls in pain and is dragged off sobbing. The Frenchman is the next to be whipped and asks "Please tie two pillows to be tied to his back. After eight lashes the pillows disintegrate and the Frenchman takes two lashes to the back. He is pulled away sobbing in pain. Finally the Englishman is put before the judge, the judge says "since you English were so brave and helped me escape Saddam's prison, i will grant you two wishes" The Englishman thinks for a minute, and then says, "for my first wish, i want to receive a hundred lashes." the judge starts and says, "my you are brave, and your second wish?" the Englishman looks the judge in the eye and says, "Tie the Frenchman to my back" Link to post Share on other sites
Althis Posted October 2, 2007 Report Share Posted October 2, 2007 The Badger will add his single joke to the pile. An Englishman, a Saudi man and a Frenchman run out of a bar in Iraq, and proceed to run down the street shouting and making a general nuisance of themselves. Eventually the Iraqi police capture them and put them before a judge. The Judge says "Do any of you realize the punishment in Iraq for public drunkenness? It is ten lashes, but seeing as you are foreigners i will grant you one wish each." The Saudi man is the first to be whipped so he says "please tie a pillow to my back" The judge agrees so a pillow is tied to his back. After five lashes the pillow disintegrates and the Saudi man takes the remaining five lashes to the back, he falls in pain and is dragged off sobbing. The Frenchman is the next to be whipped and asks "Please tie two pillows to be tied to his back. After eight lashes the pillows disintegrate and the Frenchman takes two lashes to the back. He is pulled away sobbing in pain. Finally the Englishman is put before the judge, the judge says "since you English were so brave and helped me escape Saddam's prison, i will grant you two wishes" The Englishman thinks for a minute, and then says, "for my first wish, i want to receive a hundred lashes." the judge starts and says, "my you are brave, and your second wish?" the Englishman looks the judge in the eye and says, "Tie the Frenchman to my back" <{POST_SNAPBACK}> epic win for sure Link to post Share on other sites
crablegs Posted October 2, 2007 Report Share Posted October 2, 2007 3 nuns are talking one day. The first nun says to the other "when I was cleaning the pastor's room yesterday I found a bunch of pornographic magazines!" "what did you do with them?" says the other nun, "I threw them away of course!" then the second nun says "well when I was cleaning his room last week I found a box of condoms!" "what did you do with them?" asks the first nun "well I poked holes in all of them!" the second nun says. The third nun faints. Link to post Share on other sites
5370H55V Posted October 2, 2007 Report Share Posted October 2, 2007 One day, 3 nuns decided that they didn't want to be nuns anymore, so they asked the head nun what they have to do in order to quit. The head nun said: "You must go out for one day, and commit a sin, then come back here and tell me what you did." So the nuns went out to town and returned the next day. The first nun said: "I stole a bike." The head nun said: "ok, sister, now go drink some holy water and you may leave." So the nun does this and leaves. The second nun said: "I went out and had sex." The head nun said: "ok, sister, now go drink some holy water and you may leave." So the nun does this and leaves. And then the third nun, with a huge grin on her face, said: "I peed in the holy water..." Link to post Share on other sites
Hewes Posted December 21, 2007 Report Share Posted December 21, 2007 its not really a joke but it is funny: He laid her on the table, so white, clean and bare His foreward wet with beads of sweat, he rubbed her here and there He touched her neck and felt her breast, then drooling felt her thigh The slit was wet and all was set, he gave a joyous cry The hole was wide... He looked inside, all was dark and murky He rubbed his hands and streched his arms..... Then STUFFED the Xmas turkey!! Merry Christmas to you and your dirty mind LOL Link to post Share on other sites
crablegs Posted December 21, 2007 Report Share Posted December 21, 2007 a. How come in a V formation of geese one side is longer than the other? b. It has more geese in it! Link to post Share on other sites
Night_raven Posted December 22, 2007 Report Share Posted December 22, 2007 A Letter that should not be read on points of view: Dear Points of View I watched Queer eye for the straight guy And i thought that being friends with a couple of gay friends I would pick up some handy fashion tips Actually, they *fruitcage*ed me. Here's another one: Dear Points of view I watched Silent Witness with the sound off And it didn't make any bloody sense. Link to post Share on other sites
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