I need cheering up.

[SyStEm]

hey dude i feel ur pain sos mate

[gazchap]

gaz, check your email. You should have a Paypal refund notice, from me.

Have the AG dog-tags on me, mate. I'm not going to charge you over such a piddling little thing at a time like this.

That's very kind of you HaVoC, thanks. I know you didn't mean it like this, but I'm not really one for charity though so I'll PayPal you the cash back over when I get a chance

 

Thanks again though.

[Spedz]

Hey if i'm going (and if i get this job then well yeh basically) i'll buy the drinks ......you like newcastle brown?

[wasnotgod]

Well all i have to ad to this shity situation is , iv been there, i was married for 2 weeks after being a couple for 6years and yes i did come as a bit of a shock to find out some nasty truths but i'm out the other side and much much better off.

the best bit of advice i was givern was: be the one to have dignity and if she wants to *fruitcage* with your emotions and be childish let her.

it may sound stupid but you have to suck it up, it makes you a stronger and wiser and better person because situations like this make you look at yourself as well as your mates ( who should all rally around if there mates)

 

and without trying to be a smart heres a couple life lesson's i have learnt

1) watch kevin smith films they will cheer anyone up

2) life is short life is *beep* then you die

 

be strong dude

[DarkLite]

Sorry to hear that gazchap.

 

Here is a funneh to cheer you up:

 

There is this man, let us call him Bob (for that is his name). Bob went to a gym looking to get fit, whereupon he saw a huge poster advertising a new running regime.

 

Bob goes inside and asks the receptionist about the course.

 

"Oh, the course is $500 a month."

 

Bob was not pleased. That was a great deal of money.

 

"Well, that's a bit pricey..."

 

"We do offer a week-long trial for free."

 

"Oh yes, I'll try that."

 

"Ok sir, what is your address?"

 

And so he told her his details.

 

"Ok sir, be at home with a pair of running shoes at 7pm tonight."

 

And so off Bob goes.

 

Come 7pm, Bob is waiting at home in his running gear. He hears a knock on the door, so he goes to answer it. There he finds a beautiful hot (and most importantly) naked girl wearing a pair of trainers.

 

"Hello," Says she "You have to catch me. If you do, I am your's for the night. Anything you want." (Implying sex obviously)

 

And lo, off she runs. Bob runs after her, and after a good hour of persuit, manages to catch her and ravish her all night long.

 

The next day, the same thing happens, albeit with a different girl.

 

At the end of the week trial, Bob goes back to the gym and pays for a years worth of the running regime.

 

He waits again at home at 7pm, wondering what will happen, what kind of girl would appear.

 

He hears a knock on the door and gleefully runs out to open it. There stands a large, and very obviously male, gorilla.

 

"Are you Bob?"

 

All Bob can do is nod in terror.

 

"Right. You'd better start running."

[ferg981]

Thanks for the support mate, but unfortunately it's gone past that. This other dude she has been talking to apparently has all of my qualities plus more. So it's beyond hope, unfortunately.

 

It annoys me to hell that she is nearly totally disinterested in trying to fix things, and this other dude is trying to stop her from thinking about it, saying that it would never work and that it's only prolonging the hurt for everyone if she does try and fix our marriage.

 

Which is why I've finally accepted the inevitable, after a few weeks of desperate soul searching.

 

Keep the funnies coming dudes, I feel better already

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

 

want us to go round and break his legs?

 

;-)

 

FERG

[Lance Jackass]

Lol a little immature....but dam that would make us all feel better.

[Vostok]

This picture in some ways was destined for this thread

 

[HaVoC]

[Spedz]

[Dafool]

This is a bit silly to say, but I said this to every girl that was near getting dumped by her boyfriend

 

"Dump her. before she dumps you"

[HaVoC]

Dafool - ever the giver of excellent advice for every one of life's tricky situations!

 

[gazchap]

Hehe, thanks again to all of you for the jokes. I've just come back from seeing Batman Begins.

 

In the words of Baz Luhrmann, albeit changed slightly: "If I can give you only one tip for the future, Batman Begins is it."

 

This film will change your opinions of Batman on the big screen. It rocks.

 

BTW HaVoC, I didn't receive a refund e-mail and my PayPal balance is still as it was. I'm not asking you to redo it as, as I said I don't think it would be right of me to accept it - just alerting you in case you gave a refund to someone else by mistake

[Dafool]

I having something that I want to post, but I can't becuase someone will hit me with something that looks like a sp00n, but with points at the end

[FeeFyeFoeFum]

Sorry to hear that things have taken a downward turn at the mo matey, but taker it from someone who split with his lass after 5 years, things will get better. May not feel like it at times, but they will. Time does heal all wounds (cliche but none the less true). Anyhoo, onto a funny...

 

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists... two men and a woman.

 

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife tied to a chair... Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

 

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and leave.”

 

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

 

Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them

 

[Ubar]

here gaz, get on irc bud (or msn, just added you)

[Spedz]

Ahh Heres a song for you

 

Oh,

What is the malted liquer?

What gets you drunker quicker?

What comes in bottles or in cans? (beer)

Can't get enough of it, (beer)

How we really love it, (beer)

Makes me think I'm a man, (beer)

I can kiss and hug it, (beer)

But I'd rather chug it, (beer)

Got my belly up to here, (beer)

I could not refuse a, (beer)

I could really use a,

Beer, beer, beer.

 

Beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer.

 

I can't remember how much I have had,

I drank a twelve pack with my dad, (belch)

That's my son the drunken manly stud,

I'm proud to be his bud,

Here have some pretzels,

No!

I'll call it quits,

Those things give me the schlits.

 

Drink with your family,

Drink it with your friends,

Drink till you're fat,

Stomach distends,

Beer is liquid bread it's good for you,

We like to drink till we spew,

OOH

Who cares if we get fat,

I'll drink to that,

As we sing once more.

 

What is the malted liquer,

What gets you drunker quicker,

What comes in bottles or in cans (beer)

Can't get enough of it, (beer)

How we really love it, (beer)

Makes me think I'm a man, (beer)

I can kiss and hug it, (beer)

But I'd rather chug it, (beer)

Got my belly up to here, (beer)

Only I adore it, (beer)

Come on dammit pour it,

Do it for me,

Brew it for me,

Feed it to me,

Speed it to me. (beer)

 

The most wonderful drink in the world.

Hooray.

[HaVoC]

BTW HaVoC, I didn't receive a refund e-mail and my PayPal balance is still as it was. I'm not asking you to redo it as, as I said I don't think it would be right of me to accept it - just alerting you in case you gave a refund to someone else by mistake

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Yeah, my Paypal doesn't have a record of ANY refund...

 

I just feel bad about taking cash from you at a time like this, mate. If you chance your mind, I'll be happy to refund it and still get you the tags - it's the least I can do

[Dafool]

Yeah, my Paypal doesn't have a record of ANY refund...

 

I just feel bad about taking cash from you at a time like this, mate. If you chance your mind, I'll be happy to refund it and still get you the tags - it's the least I can do

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

 

AAAaawwwwww, now isn't that cute

[HEaT]

Here's a joke mate:

 

A man walks in to a bar, and orders 6 tequila shots.

Barman says "what's the celebration mate?"

Man says: "I'm celebrating my first bl0wj0b"

Barman: "Hey congratulations, let me get you one on the house"

Man: "No thanks, if 6 of these won't get rid of the taste nothing will"

 

Hope that made you laugh.

[Lacessit]

Here's a few for you, hope you enjoy them:

 

The German, the American, and the Swedish police are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. A test is arranged where a rabbit is released into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

 

The Swedish police goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

 

The American police goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

 

The German police goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: 'Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit.'

 

 

Her story.

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar to meet him, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late. He didn't say anything much about it. He seemed silent, distracted and his only eye contact seemed judgmental. I decided maybe I should never wear that dress again. Well, maybe it was the colour. Maybe I should never wear this colour again either.

 

The conversation was slow going, so I thought maybe we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk privately. He didn't really seem to agree, but we went off to this quiet, little restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up, be witty and tell cute stories, but I start to wonder whether it's me or something else. He doesn't smile much, so I ask him, but he says no. But you know I'm not really sure.

 

I wonder and then I think about the 5 pounds I gained this past month. I bet he thinks I'm a fat hog now. Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me, but doesn't squeeze. I don't know what the hell this all means or what I should think because you know he doesn't say it back or do anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me. So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes or so, he joins me and we have sex, but he still seems really, really distracted. So afterwards I just wanted to leave. I roll over and sniffle a little real quietly. He snores. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else?

 

 

His story

*suitcasey* day at work. Really tired. Got laid, though

 

and one of my favorite stories:

 

The Horror of Blimps

 

by Scylla

 

Last week while traveling I stopped at a Zany Brainy store and saw that they had a blimp for sale. It's called Airship Earth, and it's a great big balloon with a map of the Earth on it, and two propellers hanging from the bottom. You blow up the balloon with helium put batteries in it, and you have a radio control indoor blimp.

 

I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs for $60-$75. At Zany Brainy it was on clearance for $15. What a deal!

 

Last night my wife was playing tennis and it was just my daughter and I at home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store, and last night we put the blimp together.

 

Let me tell you, it's quite a blimp. It's huge. The balloon has like a 3 ft diameter.

 

We blew it up with the tank attached the gondola with the propellers, and put in batteries.

 

Then we balanced the blimp for neutral buoyancy with this putty that came with it, so it hangs in the air by itself neither rising nor falling.

 

It was easy and fun, and then I blew up another balloon and made Mickey Mouse helium voices for my daughter.

 

My three year old girl loved it. We flew the blimp all over the house, terrorized the dog, attacked the fish tank, and the controls were so easy my daughter could fly.

 

Let's face it, blimps are fun.

 

Alas, the fun had to end and my daughter had to go to sleep. I left the blimp floating in my office downstairs, my wife came home, and we went to bed, and slept the sleep of the righteous.

 

At this point it is important to know that my house has central heating. I have it configured to blow hot air out on the ground floor and take it in at the second floor to take advantage of the fact that heat rises.

 

The blimp which was up until this moment a fun toy here embarked on a career of evil. Using the artificial convection of my central heating, the blimp stealthily departed my office. It moved silently through the living and drifted to the staircase. Gliding wraithlike over the staircase it then entered the bedroom where my wife and I lay sleeping peacefully.

 

 

Running silently, and gliding six feet or so above the ground on invisible and tiny air currents it approached the bed.

 

In spite of it's noiseless passage, or perhaps because of it, I awoke. That doesn't really say it properly. Let me try again.

 

I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping senses suddenly tell you without reason that the forces of evil on converging on you.

 

That still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time.

 

I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that there is a large levitating sinister presence hovering towards you with menacing intent through the malignant darkness.

 

Now sometimes I do wake up in the middle of the night thinking that there are large sinister and menacing things floating out of the darkness to do me and mine evil. Usually I open my eyes, look and listen carefully, decide it was a false alarm, and go back to sleep.

 

So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all that unusual.

 

On this occasion I awoke to the sense that there was a large menacing presence approaching me silently out of the gloom, so I opened my eyes, and there it was! A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE WAS APPROACHING ME OUT OF THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY!!!

 

Somewhere in the control room of my mind a fat little dwarf in a security outfit was paging through a Penthouse while smoking a cigar with his feet up on the table, watching the security monitors of my brain with his peripheral vision. Suddenly he saw the LARGE SILENT SINSITER MENACING FLOATING PRESENCE coming at me, and he pulled every panic switch and hit every alarm that my body has. A full decade's allotment of adrenaline was dumped into my bloodstream all at once. My metabolism went from "restful sleep mode" to HOLY *beep*! FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE OR DIE!!!! mode" in a nanosecond. My heart went from twenty something beats per minute to about 240 even faster.

 

I always knew this was going to happen. I always knew that skepticism and science were mere psychological decorations and vanities. Deep in our alligator brains we all know that the world is just chock full of evil and monsters and sinister forces aligned against us, and it is only a matter of time until they show up. Evolution know this, too. It knows what to do when the silent terror comes at you from out of the dark.

 

When 50 million years worth of evolutionary survival instinct hits you all at once flat in the gut at 200 mph it is not a pleasant sensation.

 

Without volition I screamed my battle cry (which is indistinguishable to the sound a little girl makes when you drop a spider down her dress, not that I'd know what that sounds like) and leapt out of bed in my underwear.

 

I struck the approaching menace with all my strength and almost fell over at the total lack of resistance that a helium balloon offers when you punch the living *beep* out of it with all the strength that sudden middle of the night terror produces.

 

It's trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan which whipped it about the room at terrifying velocity.

 

Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug and hurled it at the now High Velocity Menacing presence (breaking the clock and putting a nice hole in the wall.)

 

Somehow at this moment I suddenly realized that I was fighting the blimp, and not a monster. It might have been funny if I didn't truly and actually feel like I was having a legitimate heart-attack.

 

On quivering legs I went to the bathroom and literally gagged into the toilet while shaking uncontrollably with the shock of the reaction I'd had.

 

Unbelievably, both my wife and daughter had completely slept through the incident. When I decided that I wasn't having a heart attack after all I went back into the bedroom and found the blimp which had somehow survived the incident.

 

I took it to the walk in closet and released it inside where it floated around with the air currents released from the vents in there. I closed the door, this sealing it in, and went back to bed. About 500 years later I fell asleep.

 

***

 

At about 7 am my wife awoke. She had been playing tennis and wasn't aware that we have assembled the blimp the previous evening, and that is was now floating around the walk-in closet that she approached.

 

The dynamics between the existing air currents of the closet and the suction caused by opening the door was just enough to give the blimp the appearance of an Evil Sinister Menace flying straight towards her.

 

This time the blimp did not survive the encounter, nor almost, did I, as I had to explain to my very angry spouse what motivated me to hide an evil lurking presence in the closet for her to find at 7 am.

 

I can order replacement balloons on the internet but I don't think I will.

 

Some blimps are better off dead.

[Ghost_Rider]

http://www.eclipse.net/~srudy/flw/ - The famous last words list!

http://www.hax.com/eviloverlord/index.html - Things to remember if you're ever

trying to take over the world.

http://www.brunel.ac.uk/~ccussmw/murphy.shtml - Murphy's laws of combat

http://www.cybercomm.net/~dano/hallfame.html - RPG Character Epitaphs

[HaVoC]

Here's a joke mate:

 

A man walks in to a bar, and orders 6 tequila shots.

Barman says "what's the celebration mate?"

Man says: "I'm celebrating my first bl0wj0b"

Barman: "Hey congratulations, let me get you one on the house"

Man: "No thanks, if 6 of these won't get rid of the taste nothing will"

 

Hope that made you laugh.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Now that's a bona fide classic

[joeking27]

Man walks into a bar. Ouch.

 

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Badum tish.

 

Not sure if you remember the IRC classic: Whats worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?

 

[HaVoC]

*sigh*

 

*groan*

 

NOTE: I am not currently giving or receiving sexual favours