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christoff hitler

The joke thread.

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A man is sitting at home with his three children when the first comes up to him and says "dad why am i called rose", "well" he says, when you were born a rose petal fell upon your head which gave me and your mother the idea to name you rose, content she ran outside.

Next his second daughter came up and asked "why did you name me daisy dad?", well it was the same as your sister, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head which gave me and your mother the idea to name you daisy, and with a smile she skipped off.

His third daughter staggered up and said MMMWEEEBWAAAANNNNMMMMBEEEFTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHPPPPPPPPPP

"oh sod off fridge!"

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ok, i got a long one.

3 men go into a hotel to book rooms.

the first man says "can i have a room on the top floor, which has a sink so i can do my shaving" the hotle owner says " we have one room on the top floor, but with no sink" so the other guy says "ok ill sheve out the window"

so a secount guy comes in and says "can i have a room on the middle floor" so the hotler owner says "ok, but theres no toilet" so the man says "ok, if i need the toilet ill go out the window"

So the third guy comes along and says "can i have a room on the bottom floor with a balcony" so the hotel owner says "sure"

the next day the hotler owner says to the first man "how was your day" and the man replies "it was ok, but i accendently dropped my razor out the window"

the the hotler aks the guy on the middle floor " how was your day" and the guy replies " it was horrible, i was taking a pee and a razor came down and chopped my nob off."

so the hotler owner asks the third man "how was your day" and the man replies "i had a great day, i was having a barcecue and an extra sausage fell from the sky onto the barbecue."

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your mums so fat NASA wanted to use her to plug the hole in the o-zone layer

 

your mums so fat they had to baptise her in sea world

 

your mums so fat when her fone goes off people think shes reversing

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Old, a bit *beep*, and possibly verging on a tad racist (but on the not bad side i hope, i shall remove it if asked) so should fit in here nicley

 

a man and his wife are travelling to paris on the Eurostar, when they reach france they pass through the booth where there is a man checking passports

"le passport sir" says the frenchman

"i dont have it with me, you dont need to have a passport to travel to france. i didnt have to show it last time i came and nobody asked for it"

"zut alors sir, you must show ze passport when ever you leave your country. i an sertin you would have been, as you say, assed for eet" replies the french passport controller

"sir when i landed at Omaha beach in 1944 not only was i not asked for my passport but there wasnt even a frenchman in sight!"

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If a door is slightly open it is ajar, so why if a jar is slightly open is it not adoor?

 

Whats the difference between Ron Jeremy and Evil Kinevil?

One does cunning stunts, the other does stunning...

 

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism

 

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes

 

Why is air a lot like sex?

It's no big deal unless you're not getting any

 

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts

 

What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?

A Northern fairy tale begins, "Once upon a time..."

A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this *beep*..."

 

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone

 

What is the one thing that unites every country, regardless of gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background?

Deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers

 

How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?

One of his fingers is clean

 

What's the new and politically correct name for Lesbian?

Vagino American's

 

What do you call kids born in whorehouses?

Brothel sprouts

 

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

 

Did you hear about the new "Divorce Barbie"?

It comes with all of Ken's stuff

 

How do you ###### off a female archeologist?

Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from

 

Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?

They need a map

 

What is Iraq's national bird?

Duck

 

Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?

So they can see their Air Force

 

Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?

It saves time in the long run

 

What does the incestuous hillbilly family do on Halloween?

Pump kin

 

When did Pinocchio realize he was made of wood and not a real boy?

The day his hand caught on fire

 

Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?

It changes your blood type

 

Why are hurricanes named after women?

They're wet and wild when they come and take your house when they leave

 

What goes click-click-click..."Did I get it?"

Ray Charles doing Rubik's Cube

 

What is the difference between a supermarket shopping bag and Michael Jackson?

One is made of plastic and is very dangerous to children; the other holds groceries

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Why are hurricanes named after women?

They're wet and wild when they come and take your house when they leave

 

I think the answer is: They are wet and wild when they come and when they leave they take your house and your car.

 

But whatever.

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Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to put her picture on the milk truck.

 

Yo mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.

 

Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drown a fish

 

There were 3 girls in high school, they were all best friends and they're moms were all best friends as well, one mom was blonde, one mom was brunette, and the other had black hair.

 

So one night, the moms are all sitting around talking, and the Brunette says, ''I found a cigarette butt in my daughters trash can, I can't believe she smokes.''

 

The mom with Black Hair looks over and says, ''Well, I found a beer bottle in my daughters trashcan I can't believe she drinks.''

 

Then the blonde thinks for a moment and says, ''I found a condom in my daughters bed, I can't believe she has a ######.''

 

A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.

 

"Yes," says the blonde.

 

"Are their lights on?"

 

The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."

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I went into a pharmacy the other day, I said to the woman "mm mmmf"

 

She gave me a tube of cream, I rubbed it on my neck and said "how did you know what I needed?"

 

She said "mmm mmmm FFF"

 

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Black Beauty, He's a dark horse.

 

---------------

 

What's red and white and sits in a tree?

 

A sanitary owl

 

----------------

 

I installed a sky light in my flat.

 

The people who live above me are furious.

 

----------------

 

What's yellow and does the dishes?

 

My wife, I can paint her whatever colour I like.

 

----------------

 

What's the difference between women and toast?

 

You can make soldiers out of toast.

 

----------------

 

What is green and brown, has eight legs and would kill you if it jumped out of a tree onto your head?

 

A snooker table.

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sorry its a little long...

 

three guys were out late and ended up completely drunk. the next morning when they had somewhat recovered they shared their stories of the night before.

 

the first guy said "i was so drunk i went home and blew chunks" the other two laughed for a minute and said that was not too bad.

 

the second guy said "i passed out while i was walking home and woke up in a mud puddle"

 

the third guy said that was nothing, "i went into the wrong apartment and got in bed with some random person, they screamed and kicked me out"

 

the second guy said "wow thats pretty bad..."

 

then the first guy said "no you guys dont understand... Chunks is my dog"

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Im sorry but can the Americans cut down on the "your mom" jokes, they've been told a million times and they are starting to get abit boring.

 

Anyways that aside now onto the jokes.

 

Q: How long does it take a chav to take out the trash?

 

A: 9 months

----------------------------------------------

Q: What's blue, smelly and *fruitcage*s?

 

A: Me in my lucky blue suit.

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

A Chinese man was charged with animal cruelty, but said it was his girlfriend's fault. She swears "I only asked him to eat my *beep*!"

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

Q: What do you do if an elephant comes through the window?

 

A: Swim ! !

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

Q: Why do women have orgasms?

 

A: It gives them something else to moan about.

 

------------------------------------------------

 

Bernard Matthews is ###### off, it's usually only him strangling birds in Suffolk at this time of year!

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Q: Why is everything in America always bigger than everything else?

 

A:So that the people would fit.

 

-------------------------------

 

Q: What do the American army and car crashes have in common?

A: They both kill hundreds of Brits a year.

 

-------------------------------

 

Q: How many Americans does it take to buy gas?

A: 250,000 to seize it, and one to pump it.

 

--------------------------------

 

Q: Why don`t Americans have a sense of humour?

 

A: Because they think irony as the same as silvery or coppery

Because they don`t understand pathos

Because they don`t understand bathos

---------------------------------

 

I have my bets placed that some yanks here wont get the light hearted humour here. ;)

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I have my bets placed that some yanks here wont get the light hearted humour here.  ;)

 

quite. as with most semi-racist jokes theres always some who dont have a sence of humour, i just found this, thought it was quite ammusing

 

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.

Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.

Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.

Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

 

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.

Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.

Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.

Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

 

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.

Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.

Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.

Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

 

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.

Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.

Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.

 

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English."

Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English."

Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.

Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate," and a heavy accent to everything they say

 

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.

Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.

Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.

Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

 

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.

Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.

Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting ######.

Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

 

Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.

Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.

Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.

Aussies: Waffle on about how some of their past citizens were once Outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.

 

Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.

Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited.

Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

 

Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.

Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.

Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.

Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.

 

Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.

Canadians: Have produced many great comedians, like John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.

Americans: Think that these people are American!

Brits: Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them because they don't understand subtle humour.

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Haha, those are great - funny 'cause they're true... ;)

 

Q: What will you never hear a British soldier say?

A: No need to take cover, those are American planes!

 

During WW2, when the British artillery fired, the Germans ducked. When the German artillery fired, the British and French ducked. When the American artillery fired, bloody everyone ducked!

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A pirate walks into a bar and has a steering wheel hanging out of his pants and the bartender asks: Dude whats with the steering wheel? and the Pirate says "Arrr it's driving me nuts.

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A woman is pulled over for speeding. The officer walks up to the car, asks for license, vehicle registration, etc. He asks if she knew how fast she was going. She replies "I may have been driving a little faster than I should have, officer, but you see I'm late for work." The cop asks what she does out of curiosity, while beginning to write the ticket. She says "I work for the hospital nearby, stretching *albatross* holes." "Doing what?" he asks. "Stretching *albatross* holes. You see first I start with two finger, work my way up to one hand, then two, until I stretch it out to about 6 feet." The officer asks puzzled, "What the hell do you do with a six foot *albatross* hole?" She replies "Give him a radar gun and a ticket book."

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Ya mamma's so fat she makes the USA look like England,

Ya mamma's so fat she's classed as the 10 (Pluto's demotion to Asteroid is controversial)th planet in the solar system,

 

Two blonds walk into a building, you would have expected one of them to have seen it.

Whats the difference between parliament and a pirate ship?

Do you see the skull and cross bone above parliament?

 

Whats the difference between Gordon Brown and a highway robber?

At least you meet the highway robber.

 

 

What's the difference between AJB2K3-P90 and alphabet soup?

 

Sometimes alphabet soup spells things correctly.

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Childrens TV... innocent or guilty

 

Winnie the Pooh, innocent childrens favourite, has become the scene of a huge man hunt. after social services were called about a piglet living on his own rather than with mummy and daddy pig, an investigation lead to the grizzly discovery of the half eaten corpses of Piglets mother, father and 7 siblings. the killer, went on the run after being discovered. locals have said that while a little annoying he was always bouncy trouncy and full of fun. it never dawned on them he was a carnivore. if you have any information about Tigger, the 100 acre wood ripper, please call detective christopher robin on 03425 XXX XXX

in other news, forensics have determined that Humpty Dumpty, originally thought to have killed himself, either by accident or by jumping, may have been assasinated... kings man Daniel stated that with those little arms and legs there was no way he could have climbed onto that wall. he was put there. were treating this as murder. in happier news Dish, who ran away with the Spoon earlier this year has been discovered safe and well living in france. Spoon has taken a job as a waiter and Dish is expecting tupperware in may.

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