Lord Blackgoat Posted January 15, 2008 Report Share Posted January 15, 2008 indeed Soon to come: same to Iran. BTW, we also installed many of our reactors in China. At least, ours don't implose. On topic: Recruit: "Sergeant, how do I do that?" Me: "You do it well" All time classic. Link to post Share on other sites
sandstorm Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 Wasn't it the French that sold the Iraqis a nuclear reactor... Slightly off-topic, but I think the WMDs that were being touted being in Iraq weren't Radiological, but Chemical and Biological. That said... Which one is more dangerous? A General with a Plan, or a 2LT with a Map? Link to post Share on other sites
sillyp Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 Slightly off-topic, but I think the WMDs that were being touted being in Iraq weren't Radiological, but Chemical and Biological. That said... Which one is more dangerous? A General with a Plan, or a 2LT with a Map? I'm always of the opinion that a third option is significantly more dangerous. A seaman telling another seaman "watch this." I know in my shop that is always a good cause to duck. Link to post Share on other sites
Fin Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 Most dangerous thing concerning WMDs, leaders pointing at countries they think have them..... Link to post Share on other sites
BenjaminRombough Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 indeed Soon to come: same to Iran. BTW, we also installed many of our reactors in China. At least, ours don't implose. On topic: Recruit: "Sergeant, how do I do that?" Me: "You do it well" All time classic. Im sure Chenobyl was French built and designed Link to post Share on other sites
Holmes Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 Bullets may have your name on them, but schrapnel is addressed "to whom it may concern." Link to post Share on other sites
swannie_2006 Posted January 17, 2008 Report Share Posted January 17, 2008 HAHA! Never heard before. It sure goes into .signature file Bullets may have your name on them, but schrapnel is addressed "to whom it may concern." Link to post Share on other sites
Desolation mkII Posted January 17, 2008 Report Share Posted January 17, 2008 Which one is more dangerous? A General with a Plan, or a 2LT with a Map? An Officer Cadet with both... Link to post Share on other sites
sandstorm Posted January 17, 2008 Report Share Posted January 17, 2008 Personally, I am most afraid of Generals. They have enough weight to get large numbers involved... Another joke... Company commander was talking to a doctor about one of his soldiers. This soldier had been visiting every office he could get into and looking at papers on the tables, muttering "This isn't it." The company commander was worried, and suggested the doctor checks on the solider. So the private was invited to doctor's office, and upon arirval he went right to doctor's table checking every paper muttering 'Not it, not it'. The doctor shakes his head and writes up a recommendation for medical discharge. As the soldier gets the paper, his face lits up in huge smile and he exclaims. "Now THIS is it!" Link to post Share on other sites
Hewes Posted January 17, 2008 Report Share Posted January 17, 2008 Im sure Chenobyl was French built and designed explains everything! LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Blackgoat Posted January 17, 2008 Report Share Posted January 17, 2008 Im sure Chenobyl was French built and designed ORLY? RMBK stands for Reaktor Bolshoy Moshchnosti Kanalniy, which doesn't really sound like french to me... However, document yourself on what happened on the Three Mile Island On topic: There is no such thing as friendly fire... Also, briefing to bomber crews during WWII: "AAA and fighters should be scarce and few." "Sir, has the enemy received this interesting piece of information?" Link to post Share on other sites
BenjaminRombough Posted January 17, 2008 Report Share Posted January 17, 2008 YARLY! RMBK Reactor By Mollusk Knoshers? just kidding Link to post Share on other sites
Hedganian Posted January 18, 2008 Report Share Posted January 18, 2008 Army Rank Recognition Guide General Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Walks on water. Lunches with God, but must pick up tab. Colonel Almost as fast as a speeding bullet. More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline. Leaps short buildings with a single bound. Walks on water if sea is calm. Talks to God. Lieutenant-Colonel Faster than an energetically thrown rock. Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet. Leaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds. Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present. May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least three working days in advance. Major Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy. Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical. Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap buildings. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God, in passing. Captain Can sometimes handle firearm without shooting self. Is run over by train while playing on track. Barely clears outhouse. Dog paddles. Mumbles to self. [/b]Lieutenant[/b] Poses threat to self and comrades if armed and unsupervised. Recognizes trains two out of three times. Runs into walls. Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of life jacket and water wings. Talks to trees. 2nd Lieutenant Can be trusted with either gun or ammunition but never both. Must have train ticket pinned to jacket and mittens tied to sleeves. Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter buildings. Plays in Mud puddles. Stutters. Officer Cadet Under no circumstances to be issued with weapon or ammunition, and must even be closely supervised when handling sharp pieces of paper - staples are right out. Says: "Look at choo choo!" Not allowed inside buildings of any size. Makes good boat anchor. Mere existence makes God shudder. Regimental Sergeant Major Catches hyper-sonic armour-peircing fin-stabilized discarding-sabot depleted-uranium long-rod penetrators in his teeth and eats them. Kicks bullet trains off their tracks. Uproots tall buildings and walks under them. Freezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling gesture. Is God. Link to post Share on other sites
Hedganian Posted January 18, 2008 Report Share Posted January 18, 2008 This one might be a little lost on you if you don't have a fair bit of experience of the British Army and its sense of humour. You Americans probably have no chance, so just smile and nod, okay? Actions On: Improvised Explosive Device 1. Household Cavalry Regard IED with haughty disdain and rustle Daily Telegraph angrily. Maintain presence of IED in Knightsbridge is “absolutely preposterous.” Return to regimental main effort of defending Central London from the roundheads. 2. Cavalry Declare IED as best thing since tinned champagne, hold impromptu Pimms party to celebrate. Declare subsequent IED detonation as even more “wizard prang,” extend Pimms party and incorporate mandatory drinking of champagne from remains of IED as regimental custom for next 300 years. 3. Brigade of Guards Reduce words-of-command and halting in quick time to a minimum. Deploy No.1 fatigue party in close-order to polish IED to acceptable standard, followed by No.2 fatigue party to paint IED blue-red-blue and swab immediate area. IED detonated by massed bands. Deploy 2 x Battalions-worth of fatigue parties to swab resulting mess. 4. Armoured Infantry Fail to see IED. Crush IED. On realising error, detract attention by initiating faked contact against nearest dwelling using all available weapon systems. Hide remains of IED in sidebin. 5. Light-Role Infantry Find IED. Fail to find solution to IED due to environmental differences to Salisbury Plain. Attempt cordon operation and set a new world record for miles of mine tape used. Withdraw to COB under cover of mine tape. 6. Parachute Regt. Decide IED is a “hat.” Deploy most junior paratrooper to “crack the hat’s skull.” Call the junior paratrooper a “hat” when he gets blown up by IED. Remind all others that they are “hats” because they weren’t there. 7. Royal Marines Declare that IED is “hoofing.” Get junior men naked with IED as an initiation. Turn IED into an improvised free-weight for bench pressing. Indent for extra, extra supplementary rations from “the galley.” Hoofing. 8. Special Air Service (SAS) Deploy bearded men 200km behind IED using HALO-Landrover-Submarine insertion. Tab into area of IED and capture IED alive. Smuggle IED out in burka and extract to UK. Write a book per team member, all with hugely differing accounts of the operation. 9. Special Boat Service (SBS) Get into black rubber suits. Steal IED as above. Construct black rubber suit for IED. Move to a special swimming pool and do bad, bad things with black-rubber-coated-IED. Turn on wave machine and let things get properly nasty. Be very grateful for UKSF non-disclosure policy. 10. Special Reconnaissance Regt (SRR) Dig hole in ground to hide in. Proceed to watch IED for ten days to make association to Bravos. Divert entire Brigades assets onto tasking. Manage to maintain dignity when informed three weeks later that it’s a small rock and not an IED. 11. Royal Artillery Level entire ten-square-kilometre area around IED. IED still functional. Repeatedly remind everyone that artillery neutralizes, it doesn’t destroy. Create promotional video of IED neutralization with images of Apache and accompanying Tina Turner soundtrack. 11. Medical Corps Send out a fit hottie to chat-up IED. Fit hottie lightly dabs a damp cloth over the IED to keep it cool and offers reassuring words. Ends up sleeping with IED before announcing undying love and marrying it. IED later detonates when it catches her in bed with an Irish Guards Private. 12. Royal Army Chaplains’ Department Approach the IED preaching about The Lord, oblivious to having entered a come-on. Rounds from nearby insurgents pass over and around the Padre without harming him. IED attempts to detonate and fails as some mysterious force prevents it from engaging. IED is later found giving sermons to scared soldiers new into theatre. 13. Royal Engineers Destroy IED using charge with 10-times explosive content of IED. Build SQN bar in crater. Use second massive charge to blow second crater in which to build & celebrate opening of SQN bar/gym complex with BBQs every night for the rest of tour. IED appears on next SQN t-shirt. 14. Royal Signals IED self destructs to avoid Westlands Bowmanisation. 15. BFBS Radio DJs Send shout-out on BFBS Radio 1 to IED wishing it good luck and playing ‘I Will Survive.’ IED detonates out of shame and embarrassment. 16. Royal Military Police Issue IED with penalty fine of £1000 for loitering and not having FFD/Tourniquet/Morphine. IED detonates in anger and annoyance at the monkeys wasting its time. Surviving RMP's issue IED with penalty charge for littering. 17. Army Air Corps Identify ideal opportunity to prove AAC has an offensive role and is not just a taxi service. Launch TOW missile at IED. Missile fails due to armaments contract being given to cheapest bidder. Accept that was the AAC's only missile and disband. 18. Intelligence Corps Deny existence of IED to unit reporting IED, as they are not sufficiently cleared. Issue BG's with a list of int-based questions to ask IED. Study Q&A analysis and find two main results: a. Suggest IED may detonate having studied trend analysis of previous IEDs; b. Claim it’s part of a come-on involving 400 insurgents and Iranian heavy-armour, as that’s what the guy who cleans the toilets told them. 20. Div/Bde Headquarters Issue IED with a notification of controlled explosion. IED ignores/deletes message, as does the rest of theatre. 21. RLC Get pictures taken whilst posing next to IED with another Units GPMG. IED detonates due to someone making a video call on their mobile phone. 22. RAF Send the RFS out to investigate IED; fail to notice they never come back. RFS patrol later found upside down in a WMKII in a ditch, in Syria. Patrol Commander admits to being a ‘bit unsure about his position,’ is informed his position is now 'Private' 23. Royal Navy Proclaim IED as a figment of the Army’s imagination. Go on a Mediterranean cruise for 3 months. Come back to Middle East waters. Proclaim IED as a figment of the Army's imagination. (repeat indefinitely). Occasionally get taken hostage to relieve the monotony. 24. United States Army Send out a patrol in a Hummer with Rhino deployed, then send out a Spectre gunship to destroy the nearest local village in retribution for when it all goes horribly, horribly wrong. 25. Australian Army Threaten to withdraw entire countries assets from theatre as they heard a rumour there was an IED identified 50 miles south of their position. Demand hand-holding by other already over-stretched British units and then complain when we make them actively look for more IEDs. 26. Romanian Army Confuse IED with their gibberish native tongue. Sign the IED onto their stores and attempt to make it part of their armaments supply due to under funding by a government that’s abandoned them. 27. Danish Army Arrive in theatre and promptly invite IED to their camp to join in their BBQ and Drinks sessions held every night. Eventually starve to death as they’d forgot how to open their camp gates on account of having never left. IED detonates to attract attention and help. 28. Iraqi Army Tip up five days after IED reported. Cordon area, remove IED. Corrupt elements of IA then move IED five hundred yards further along road and bury. Assure MND(SE) that area is now clear. 29. Iraqi Civilian Dig up IED, take to nearest MND(SE) post and attempt to sell IED. Upon refusal, attempts to sell IED to MJAM. MJAM take IED and bury it at target area. Civilian digs up IED, takes to nearest MND(SE) post and attempts to sell IED. And so on. 30. UK Aid Worker Show complete disregard for IED, fail to adhere to Foreign Office warnings on IEDs, pay no attention to MND(SE) briefs on IEDs and wonder what went wrong when their convoy gets destroyed by IED. 31. Security Contractor Use innocent civilian children to test road ahead of patrol for IEDs. When child finds IED, claim child is insurgent attempting a come-on and shoot child. And his family... And neighbours. 32. Private Contractor Find themselves lured to Iraq by greed. Make more money in a week than most soldiers do in a month. Laugh at poorly paid soldiers being blown up by IEDs. Expect MND(SE) to help when they get blown up by IED. Wonder why we don’t respond. Link to post Share on other sites
Desolation mkII Posted January 18, 2008 Report Share Posted January 18, 2008 Officer Cadet Under no circumstances to be issued with weapon or ammunition, and must even be closely supervised when handling sharp pieces of paper - staples are right out. Says: "Look at choo choo!" Not allowed inside buildings of any size. Makes good boat anchor. Mere existence makes God shudder. Oh, were not that bad. I mean it was only once that while on an patrol we walked clean out of the training area and found out the 'B road' we had been walking along was in fact the motorway. And even then we only found this out because the RSM happened to drive past us. Link to post Share on other sites
aerodrew Posted January 18, 2008 Report Share Posted January 18, 2008 Q: What do you call a Marine with an IQ of 150? A: A Platoon! Link to post Share on other sites
amateurstuntman Posted January 18, 2008 Report Share Posted January 18, 2008 13. Royal Engineers Destroy IED using charge with 10-times explosive content of IED. Build SQN bar in crater. Use second massive charge to blow second crater in which to build & celebrate opening of SQN bar/gym complex with BBQs every night for the rest of tour. IED appears on next SQN t-shirt. Not only is that true. I have, in fact, done it. Link to post Share on other sites
aerodrew Posted January 18, 2008 Report Share Posted January 18, 2008 I wish my history textbooks that I paid $80 for would have been this fun. Now they sit in a drawer somewhere. actually it was the 7th, but no matter. Link to post Share on other sites
ED-SKaR Posted January 18, 2008 Report Share Posted January 18, 2008 "They refer to the phenomenon as 'friendly fire', but let me tell you this: When you are in the target zone with no cover exept twigs and leaves, its anything but frienly" Colonel-Commisar Ibram Gaunt. Link to post Share on other sites
Desolation mkII Posted January 20, 2008 Report Share Posted January 20, 2008 I wish my history textbooks that I paid $80 for would have been this fun. Now they sit in a drawer somewhere. actually it was the 7th, but no matter. Er you forgot the third slide IJN Yamato Raised and converted into a space cruiser in 2199 Link to post Share on other sites
random guy Posted January 21, 2008 Report Share Posted January 21, 2008 hilarioius especialy the ied ones. now heres my contribution This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET; WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- They're not our enemy; they're our socio-political compliment. We don't damage their aircraft; we make unauthorized in-flight modifications. We don't spy; we deal in unreleased information. They're not casualties; they're inoperative battle units. We don't have scouts; we have unauthorized observers. We don't miss; we fail to effectively engage the target. We don't waste missiles; we run a non-cost-effective equipment exchange. We don't attack; we aggressively move into pre-occupied territory. We don't retreat; we reconsolidate at a previously held position. We don't waste money; we fail to effectively utilize funding. We're not at war; we're sanctioning with extreme prejudice. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Officer: 'Why did you shoot that terrorist 27 times?' SEAL replies: 'I ran out of ammo, sir.' Link to post Share on other sites
Desolation mkII Posted January 21, 2008 Report Share Posted January 21, 2008 This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET; WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call. isn't that a beer advert? Link to post Share on other sites
Night_raven Posted January 21, 2008 Report Share Posted January 21, 2008 isn't that a beer advert? It was several things* *Except for "that" thing,.. you know,.. what they do on films when mummy and daddy get together. Link to post Share on other sites
Fin Posted January 22, 2008 Report Share Posted January 22, 2008 If your going to bring a pistol only bring one bullet.... Link to post Share on other sites
crash commader Posted January 25, 2008 Report Share Posted January 25, 2008 question - why would a sa80 a1 draw out unemployment benefit? answer - because it dosen't work.... badoom tish! Link to post Share on other sites
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