Punkypink Posted May 5, 2009 Report Share Posted May 5, 2009 PUNS FOR THE EDUCATED MIND 1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.' 13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.' 15. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 16. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 17. A backward poet writes inverse. 18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 20. One of the missionary-eating cannibals was asked how it was going and he replied "I'm having a ball." *begins preparations to go into hiding* Link to post Share on other sites
scorch Posted May 5, 2009 Report Share Posted May 5, 2009 I most certainly lol'd. Link to post Share on other sites
Banzai Posted May 5, 2009 Report Share Posted May 5, 2009 Maybe it is just me but the only ones that had me chuckling were 16 and 20. Link to post Share on other sites
RC-1138 Posted May 5, 2009 Report Share Posted May 5, 2009 There may not be anything more on this earth I hate more than puns. I just gritted my teeth so hard I think I need a dentist. Link to post Share on other sites
The Badger Posted May 5, 2009 Report Share Posted May 5, 2009 NSFW the game is starting punky, the game is starting.... Link to post Share on other sites
Banzai Posted May 5, 2009 Report Share Posted May 5, 2009 I have a pun for you. But I think you'd rather spoon-feed yourself lead chips before indulging in my sadistic flogging of your language. Link to post Share on other sites
RC-1138 Posted May 5, 2009 Report Share Posted May 5, 2009 I have a pun for you. But I think you'd rather spoon-feed yourself lead chips before indulging in my sadistic flogging of your language. Link to post Share on other sites
Punkypink Posted May 5, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 5, 2009 NSFW the game is starting punky, the game is starting.... Actually, you should have expected something like that from me. I'm not PUNkypink for nothing. *runs for dear life* Link to post Share on other sites
dannyboy Posted May 5, 2009 Report Share Posted May 5, 2009 So which part of you are we cutting off after we've dealt with RAF? Link to post Share on other sites
Punkypink Posted May 5, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 5, 2009 er........... Link to post Share on other sites
Banzai Posted May 5, 2009 Report Share Posted May 5, 2009 Fine. You asked for it. A student of music came upon a fishy sounding track that sounded a lot like another he had heard but not quite right, it was from Lutefisk von Boatswainsmen. I hope your tongue falls out. Link to post Share on other sites
Jagdraben Posted May 5, 2009 Report Share Posted May 5, 2009 I'm just a bit confused: What does fish cured in rye have to do with music? Link to post Share on other sites
Banzai Posted May 5, 2009 Report Share Posted May 5, 2009 I'm just a bit confused: What does fish cured in rye have to do with music? I have honed myself into a man of patience and questionable virtues. Therefore I shall have mercy on you. Hint: The 9th Link to post Share on other sites
elrey Posted May 5, 2009 Report Share Posted May 5, 2009 Ah, Banzai... where would we be without you? Link to post Share on other sites
Punkypink Posted May 5, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 5, 2009 I have honed myself into a man of patience and questionable virtues. Therefore I shall have mercy on you. Hint: The 9th I'm still confused. Link to post Share on other sites
Banzai Posted May 5, 2009 Report Share Posted May 5, 2009 I'm still confused. What famous idiot savant of the musical persuasion rhymes with Lutefisk von Boatswainsmen. Hint 2: Clockwork Orange Much? Link to post Share on other sites
The Chef Posted May 5, 2009 Report Share Posted May 5, 2009 Think Beethoven.... Now this is more of a joke than a pun. And it will only be appreciated by those UK folk who remember Nanette Newman (not Maureen Lipman.. Stupid Boy Pike!!). A man in a restaurant asks his waiter 'Gervais' for the squid from the menu. Gervais goes over and finds the sole remaining squid in the tank. Its an ugly green affair with a moustache that would even put Fatima Whitbread to shame. Undeterred Gervais whips it out and takes this monster of the deep into the kitchen. Thrown unceremoniously onto the chopping block, Gervais lifts the cleaver and prepares to deal sweet oblivion to the squid. Sensing its impending doom, the squid rolls it's one baleful eye and twitches it furry lip caterpillar. Gervais is overcome with remorse and lowers the cleaver unable to deal the final blow. Wracked with guilt, he hands the cleaver to Hans the German Pot Washer and says "here, you do it, I can't". Hans stares deeply into the blinking watery eye of this wretched creature and is instantly reduced to a quivering mess. The manager comes in to see what the delay is.... and they relate their tale of anguish. The manager then goes back to the Customer and says... "I'm sorry Sir, you can't have the squid because Hans that does Dishes is as soft as Gervais, for the Vile Green Hairy Lipped Squid!" Link to post Share on other sites
BaggyPants Posted May 5, 2009 Report Share Posted May 5, 2009 Now this is more of a joke than a pun. And it will only be appreciated by those UK folk who remember Maureen It was Nanette Newman in the Fairy Liquid adverts, not Maureen (BT) Lipmann And the Beethoven joke would have been funny if Boatswainman sounded anything like Beethoven. Having the same first letter doesn't make it a pun, Banzai Link to post Share on other sites
The Chef Posted May 5, 2009 Report Share Posted May 5, 2009 Baggy I bow down to your 80's advert prowess. You are indeed correct. it was Nanette Newman. I've corrected my ghastly mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
BaggyPants Posted May 5, 2009 Report Share Posted May 5, 2009 I'm a sad, sad man for knowing it Link to post Share on other sites
chas Posted May 5, 2009 Report Share Posted May 5, 2009 Wow, so this is that famous fine british humour? Link to post Share on other sites
Samm Posted May 5, 2009 Report Share Posted May 5, 2009 Hell yeah! Bring it on and show us what you've got, hombre! Link to post Share on other sites
chas Posted May 5, 2009 Report Share Posted May 5, 2009 A man wants to get rid of his wife so he asks a friend for advice on how to kill her without getting caught. The friend suggests getting her a fast car and knowing that she's such a bad driver it is only a matter of time until she drives off a cliff or gets under a truck. So the man buys her a BMW but after week of speeding cross the city, she's still alive. So the friend tellls him to get her a Lamborghini. After two weeks and even taking part in race she hasnt even scratched the car. So the friend tells the man to try with a more unstable Jaguar. He calls him after a week and asks: "So, did she finally drive off of a cliff with the Jaguar or what?", and the man smiles and says: "No, but as soon as she opened the garage, the Jaguar went for her throat!" Ba-dum tish! P.S. It honestly took me a while to think of a very bad joke that could be translated. man, this is hard! Link to post Share on other sites
RC-1138 Posted May 5, 2009 Report Share Posted May 5, 2009 Two fish sitting in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "You know how to drive this thing?" ...God it makes me cringe.... Link to post Share on other sites
Punkypink Posted May 5, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 5, 2009 oh oh oh what can of worms have i opened?! *is wracked with guilt and remorse* Sepukku is the only honorable option left. Link to post Share on other sites
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